Hampstead Village Voice Blog..Blagg...whatever you fancy!

International Sales Rocket!

2012-01-26T04:17:00.000-08:00

An artists impression of what The Finchley Road will look like once the Metropolitan Borough of Hampstead returns to power.

Scamden, go home!

Off to Budgens, Waitrose, Sainsbury and Waterstones on the Finchley Road in Airstrip One to deliver sample copies and negotiate international, economy shattering deals with the aforementioned.

But worry not dear reader, the Hampstead Village Voice will remain as local as local can be and as edgy as ever when it comes to our editorial.

Toodle Pip!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein x

CEO HAVIVO Corp. Inc. Ltd. PLC. Naaaht.

Tesco Stressco

2012-01-17T09:44:00.000-08:00

Above. A small clue as to who [correction] what might be suing me come the next edition...

All go here at the Hampstead Village Voice. In talks with Sainsbury, Budgens, Waterstones and Waitrose about getting the Voice into them there shoppes. That's not how to spell shops unless you're American or live in the 16th Century. What's come over me?

Next Voice is going to be a complete cracker! Cor - I'm really hoping to get locked up this time or at least a couple of law suits.

Going to write a book too, no, two books - Toodles,

Mustafa Goldstein x

Editor in very hot-pants

PS. Last chance to advertise in next edition, email: info@hampsteadvillagevoice.com by 25th of January 2012

Heath Street's On The Up...

2012-01-04T06:07:00.000-08:00

100 Acres. More than just a toy shop.

Nice to see Heath Street on the rise again. Just popped into the toy shop-café called 100 Acres and ended up writing a story about it for the next Hampstead Village Voice whilst supping one of their splendid Monmouth Cappuccino's. There's more to this place than meets the eye - as will be revealed in the next edition of the Voice which I reckon will be out for Spring... February? March? Who knows? The Hampstead Village Voice - nothing if not unpredictable.

Toodle Pip,

Emmanuel "Mustafa" Goldstein

Editor in Heath Street.

Mr Cook.

2011-12-20T10:14:00.000-08:00

Them were't days...

No particular reason for this picture of Peter Cook other than I remember bumping into him at the Hampstead Food Hall - now Tesco-Stressco - and being given a lesson in how to open a cellophane bag properly. Peter was one of the few males of the species able to open a cellophane bag in one go which, considering he was Tottenham supporter, was quite an achievement.

"You take it by the corner and pinch it like this," he told me as I struggled at the veg' counter. Oh how Hampstead misses him. I presume he'd have been slagging off Tesco-Stressco for the Hampstead Village Voice had he been alive to bare witness to its horrors. The good Lord spared him that much. (Ed. What, the horrors of Tesco-Stressco or the Hampstead Village Voice?)

The Current edition [14] of the Hampstead Village Voice is still available at Waterstones and good Hampstead newsagents... but only just!

Viva Hampstonia!

Emmmanuel Mustafa Goldstein x

Editor in Crusties.

Next Voice due: Feb/March 2012

D'uh!

2011-12-16T04:33:00.001-08:00

Raha Saber's splendid photo of Simply Scrumptious in Flask Walk.

I am such a klutz sometimes [ed. what do you mean, sometimes?] - and can only offer Hampstead photographer Raha Saber a massive apology for forgetting to credit her in the new edition of The Hampstonian 2012.

Sorry, Raha! I'm a mook!

Needless to say, the photo's of Raha Saber will be featuring in the next edition of the Hampstead Village Voice!

Toodles,

Mustafa G xxx

The Hampstonian 2012 is OUT NOW!

2011-12-13T10:23:00.001-08:00

The cover of The Hampstonian 2012, in the shops NOW!

Phew! The Elf and I have j
ust distributed the first 1000 copies of The Hampstonian 2012 to the newsagents of Hampstead, South End Green and Belsize Village in his Volvo estate. The manageress of Waterstones said they've had "lots of calls" about it, which is encouraging. She's also stuck our poster in the window - hoorah! It's amazing what lamination can do. They've taken 100 copies as have Hampstead Underground Station, Mag One and the New End Mini Market.

To see where else you can buy your copy, go to http://www.hampstonian.co.uk/aboutus.html

If you're new to Hampstead and you want to inform yourself, this is the mag for you and may well be the best £2 you've ever spent. If you're an old Hampstonian, Hampsteadite or even a Hampster, you'll probably know all this stuff and would do better to stick around for the next Hampstead Village Voice which we shall start work on forth-with.

I am now having a well deserved cappuccino at La Gaffe... Nice...

Toodle Pip!

Mustafa G.
Herr Safety
cc. The Elf

Slight Delay... Out on 14th December 2011

2011-12-12T08:11:00.000-08:00

Whoopsie daisy! There's been a slight delay due to "printer error" and "distribution malfunction" - Well, isn't that the contemporary way of passing the buck and denying responsibility for things these days? Always someone else's fault isn't it!

The truth is, I got the publishing date a bit wrong and didn't organise Dave the Elf with his Volvo estate properly! Yes, it was me... I did it! I'll take the wrap! Guilty as sin...

Fortunately, as this is an annual release, two days is more like ten minutes in the grand scheme of things so, what ho!

Toodle Pip,

Emmanuael Mustafa Goldstein,

Late for school as usual...

The Hampstonian 2012 - Out On 12-12-11

2011-11-26T02:56:00.000-08:00

Yep, the Hampstonian 2012's almost ready to go - that's if I can find my proof reader, Dianne, who's gon AWOL. Essentially more of the same but I've changed the layout so that all the editorial's up front and all the ads apart from premium and charity ads are at the back. Much tidier.

Also I've changed a lot of the pictures in the Art & Museum section and John Graham's up-dated all the pubs.

Surprising how much work goes in to tweaking. Photo processing and such like. Not to mention chasing up advertisers for new artwork and invoices. But I think I'll have it off to the printers in time. Phew!

Oh and it's gone up to £2.00 - Less than the price of a cappuccino.

Christ! All my mags now cost £2.00

Toodle Pip,

Emmanuel "Mustafa" Goldstein

Two Bob Editor

Hampstead 11.11.11

2011-11-10T06:58:00.001-08:00

Naturally I shall be enjoying my elevensies at Mani's at 11am 11.11.11 and will be wearing corduroys to reflect 11.11.11. After all, it's the date that looks like a pair of corduroys.

Viva Hampstonia!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein xxx

Editor in Corduroys

The Hampstonian 2012 - Always Be Closing...

2011-10-19T11:23:00.000-07:00

The Cover of The Hampstonian 2012 which will hit the shelves of Hampstead in mid-December features Bruce Yardley's Coffee Cup courtesy of the Catto Gallery.

I'm currently working my balls off getting the Hampstead Village Voice's prudent little sister, The Hampstonian 2012, ready for action. Indeed, there's still time to take out a an advert in The Hampstonian 2012 which will saturate Hampstead throughout Annus Olympicus and, at only £150+VAT for a full A5 page, you'd be mad - nay, utterly insane - not to take out an ad if you're a Hampstead business.

I watched David Mamet's excellent Glengarry Glen Ross again last night in order to motivate myself towards the dubious task of selling advertising. I take inspiration from Alec Baldwin's fantastic performance as the hard-hitting, bastard sales executive: "ABC - Always Be Closing! Put that coffee down. Coffee's for closers only..." Of course, I'm more like Jack Lemon than Alec Baldwin and drink too much coffee regardless of whether I've closed or not. Yet watching this film does get me into the spirit of the sales thing. Not my normal cup of tea but, hey, someone has to do it.

"A.I.D.A. Atention. Do I have your attention? Interested? Are you interested? Decision - have you made your decision for Christ! And Action... get them to sign the line that is dotted. They're out there just waiting to give you their money... are you gonna take it? Are you man enough to take it?" Blimey - I must have watched it a squillion times because I've learned it by heart. So what are you waiting for - it's a no brainer. £150 squid for a full page and a whole years coverage in Hampstead's favourite directory - C'mon, it isn't rocket science. No one reads the Ham&High anymore which is why I drove here on Bessy the Bicycle and you drove here in a Hyundi. Hang on? Think I got that bit wrong... Anyway, I don't wear a watch, let alone one worth $80k. What an arsehole.

To take out a page in the Hampstonian 2012 email me directly info@hampsteadvillagevoice.com or have a quick peek at http://www.hampstonian.co.uk/aboutus.html

It's a no brainer folks!

Emmanuel 'Mustafa' Goldstein

Editor in Advertising...

The Classic Indian Summer

2011-09-29T09:20:00.000-07:00

An Indian Summer in Hampstead

I say, what lovely weather we're having. Most very splendid indeed. What the bloody hell am I doing sitting here in front of a screen when I could be out in the sun, sipping iced coffee and people-watching on the Costa Del Hampstead? Say no more. Cor blimey Guvnor and Toodle Pip!

Emmanuel "Mustafa" Goldstein

Eddington Winthrope of Hampstonia

PS. Sales booming - get edition 14 from a newsagent near you whilst you still can. By Jove, it'll be the best £2 Squid you ever spent*

*Does not include the $2 you spent in that two-dollar brothel in Vietnam in 1967 whilst you were out there Napalming small villages: terms and conditions apply. Please consult your pharmacist before reading the bottle.

The Vastaman Interview

2011-09-22T05:07:00.001-07:00

A rather pleasant interview with Vas Blackwood

I must admit to being rather proud of edition 14 which celebrates 4 years of the Hampstead Village Voice. Not least because there's a most splendid interview with top actor and fellow Hampstonian raconteur Vas Blackwood A.K.A. Rory Breaker from the blockbuster movie Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels in it. Innit.

Love.

Emmanuel M. Goldstein xxx

Mustafa G

Edtion 14 out Wed 07.09.11

2011-08-30T05:30:00.000-07:00

The Hackfather

Phew! Edition 14 of the Hampstead Village Voice - out on Wednesday the 7th of September 2011 - is at the printers and I, for one, am mighty relieved. And, I may add, overjoyed because it's one hell of a good issue. Let's face it there's been plenty to satirise of late both locally and in Airstrip One.

For starters, as a nod to the downfall of Mr. Murdoch's already dubious reputation at the Ministry of Truth, we've added "Hello Humpstead - incorporating The New End Of The World" a centre page pullout, which I'm rather proud of. We deplore witch-hunting here at the Hampstead Village Voice, but when it comes to arse-holes like Murdoch and his Ignorance Is Strength version of "news", burning's not good enough for 'em!

I'm not going to go on too much about the rest of the content other than to say it's a jolly good read - especially if you only like pictures!

Go and buy it.

Toodle Pip!

Emmanuel Goldstein. xx

Enemy of big Brother.

Telecommunications Parol

2011-07-19T12:40:00.000-07:00

I'm presently on T-Mobile's version of what one might refer to as telecommunications "parole" and working on a story for the Hampstead Village Voice which will expose a system so complicated and inconsistent that even T-Mobile's own staff can't make head nor tail of it.

Their billing system is a quagmire of terms and conditions, Boosters and inconsistencies so unfairly weighted against the unwitting consumer that it would require hours of study to avoid being financially disadvantaged by it. That's a polite way of saying they are ripping us off! In short, T-Mobile and other allegedly reputable telecom companies plying their trade on the High Street - whilst hiding behind their lightly printed terms and conditions - are taking us all for a hideously misleading and expensive ride.

If you think you're still paying per second for your calls, think again. For a 10 second call you'll be charged for 1 minute. Sound tedious? it is! But that's how the phone companies in Hampstead High Street are fleecing Hampsteadites for hundreds of thousands of pounds.

It gets worse... Think you have 600 free minutes? You don't, because all those quick 15 second calls you make count as an entire minute of those allegedly 'free minutes.' It was a very tedious and boring thing to have to do and I ended up with a headache, but I did the blasted sums and discovered that what T-Mobile counts as 150 minutes of calls can actually add up to only 100 minutes or even less. So 600 supposedly free T-Mobile minutes can, in reality, be only 400 minutes - or even less depending on how many of your calls were only a few seconds long.

And it gets worse... But you'll have to read edition 14 of the Hampstead Village Voice on the shelves of Waterstones and all good Hampstead newsagents from September 15th 2011.

Tediously yours,

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein

Editor on T-Mobile parol

PS. If I end up floating at the bottom of the Whitestone Pond you know who it was...

* After the first minute, terms and conditions apply, a second equals one minute and we have you by the short and curlies for two years you suckers!

HTV1 HAMPSTEAD is...

2011-07-03T12:04:00.000-07:00

"ON AIR"

View HTV1 with this link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ALDlM6y6Oiw

View HTV1 with this link : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ALDlM6y6Oiw or search HTV1 Hampstead to watch 'FRIDAY NIGHT AT THE COFFEE CUP with Mustafa Goldstein, Stephen Dale-Petit and The Bombardier Bard.

Viva Hampstonia,

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein xxx

Editor and Television Executive in Tea Person.

HTV1 "On Air" Very Soon!

2011-06-08T10:46:00.001-07:00

It doesn't get more exciting than this...

The first Hampstead Village Voice Television (HTV1) show, "Friday Night Not Live" recently filmed at the Coffee Cup (ed. Where else?) will be broadcast by the last week of June 2011. As we speak, the crew are busy editing and chopping off the naff bits so, needless to say, that ought to leave us with about 5 minutes of footage from about an hours filming. Hurrah!

In this inaugural broadcast, Mustafa Goldstein and The Bombardier Bard are joined by weather man and rock guitarist Stephen Dale-Petit and the staff of the Coffee Cup in what will be a damned entertaining five minutes, I should co-co.

Watch this space for the link to HTV1 which ought to be up and running by the 20th of June. Cor Blimey Guvnor!

Toodle-Pip!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein

Television Producer in Coffee Cup.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN?

2011-06-01T09:17:00.001-07:00

WANTED: Klaus Von Kunst

As if life wasn't difficult enough, I seem to have lost one of my top writers Dr. Klaus Von Kunst who, since bumping into an old flame called Heidi in New York, has gone A.W.O.L. I had begged him not to go to New York - one simply can't trust Americans these days - and now I fear he has been extradited or sent to Guantanamo.

It's quite likely the CIA and/or Lockheed Martin might have mistaken him for yours truly after I wrote a scathing piece on their involvement in the 2011 UK Census in the current edition of the Hampstead [Pramstead] Village Voice. Naturally, I fear the würst for poor Klausylein and think he may indeed now be clad in orange, as is the custom for enemies of Airstrip One.

Fortunately, we are in the process of establishing Hampstonia's very own secret service, namely HSBC (Hampstead Secret Bureau of Conspiracies) and have already elected he who is known only as Herr Director (A.K.A. the Big Chief).

So worry not dearest Klausy - we'll be sending the HSBC seals before the Septics can get the electrodes onto your testicles. We may, however, wait until the very last minute so that you get to have a some sort of uniformed nurse shave and wet said scrotum, tenderly, with baby oil. A most pleasant experience.

Hoorah for Hampstead!

Viva Hampstonia!

Yours spankingly,

E. M. Goldstein x

Enemy of Big Brother

HVVTV 1 inaugural Broadcast

2011-05-27T05:52:00.000-07:00

Co-presenters, Maria and Adina will be reading the weather for HVVTV "LIVE FROM THE COFFEE CUP" tonight! Or then again, maybe they won't...

Dearest all,

It's all go for your intrepid editor in hot-pants. Having eaten a huge and excellent pasta at La Gaffe, yours truly will head for the High Street to prepare for the inaugural recording of HVVTV [not] Live From The Coffee Cup. This will be recorded [not] live and [not] in front of a studio audience at midnight tonight. It will feature myself and love revolutionary the Bombadier Bard and will be broadcast on YouTube if it's any good.

I shall also be playing five-a-side football at 6pm and attending a community meeting at 7.30pm so had better go and get myself a siesta now. Ahh - the joys of sleeping for an hour in the middle of the day when you know the world is sweating away in some horrid office, chasing yet another pound coin! PAYE? No thank you: it's DAYP* for moi!

Toodle-pip!

Emmanuel Goldstein.

Editor

*Do As You Please

Wells Tavern Presidential Visit Stuns Locals...

2011-05-24T07:36:00.000-07:00

And he didn't even sign the photo...

Well I never! I was somewhat surprised to see that America's first Irish Head of State Barack O'Bama didn't sign the presidential memento he left at the Wells Tavern after his surprise visit to the famous Hampstead landmark.

According to the manager of the Wells, the pub has received "hundreds" of calls as a result of our exclusive coverage of the President's previously "top secret" visit. One can only assume these "hundreds of phone calls" - and yes, that's a direct quote - came from the hundreds of transient Americans now living in Hampstead. Let's face it, no proper Hampstead local would ever believe such tripe.

A tad gullible of the old 'Septics' but one has admire their child-like enthusiasm.

For more on the Presidential visit and how he ate his burger, see pages 13 and 18 of the current edition of the Hampstead Village Voice in all good Hampstead newsagents now.

Toodle-pip!

Emmanuel 'Mustafa' Goldstein

Scurrilously Misleading Editor.

Ruttingtons

2011-05-14T14:23:00.000-07:00

Off his bleedin' trolly!

Having published probably the best Hampstead Village Voice to date in edition 13, yours truly finds himself somewhat stuck in a rut. It isn't a writer's block exactly - more a sort of cup over-floweth, spoilt-for-choiceness situation. I simply cannot choose between whether to get edition 14 off the ground immediately, write my book, start on The Hampstonian 2012, launch my musical web-site [categorizing all my songs, albums, videos and TV appearances] or compile the Hampthology - a planned collection of the best of the Hampstead Village Voice.

You see my quandary. I've simply too much to choose from and end up doing absolutely nothing. Hurrah for doing absolutely nothing! It's time for being a fallow fellow. Allow the brain and senses to relish life's joys regardless of mere work related matters. Work to live - not live to work. Who gives a shit? Life's too short! Cappuccino's aimlessly sipped upon the High Street - yes, wasn't this why I started the Hampstead Village Voice in the first place? To stop and appreciate all the joyous things we have in Hampstead? The Heath, the cafe's, the massive great big trolly's left in the middle of zebra-crossings. Yes indeedy!

Yours non-resentfully,

Master Fer-Globules x

Hot-pants wrapped in wet panties

The Water Don't Taste Like Wot it Oughta...

2011-04-30T16:48:00.000-07:00

The water really is this clear. Lovely!

Yes, the only thing this entry has to do with Hampstead is that I am writing it from my hotel bed whilst wearing my Hampstead Village Voice T-Shirt. I am staying at the very splendid Hostal San Telmo run by Maria, her dad and their two dogs. Nice little pool and 4 minutes from the beach. What more could one wish for at €30 a night!

Oh, and I took the 46 bus to Palma today. Yes there really is a 46 bus that goes through Palma and not only that, the driver played The Best of UB40 really loudly all the way there - I mean, really loudly. Quite mental. Imagine the driver of the 46 in Hampstead doing that? Never!

Viva España, Viva Hampstoñia!

Mustafa Goldsteinxxx

Editor in boxer-shorts.

PS. Do not order pizza in Mallorca. It's shit. The pasta's good though.

Toodle Pip Hampstead!

2011-04-25T10:51:00.000-07:00

Hampstead High Street by Tim Garrett

The current edition of the Hampstead Village Voice - temporarily re-named thePramstead Village Voice - is currently available at all good Hampstead newsagents.

Oh and we've got a lovely new website. Do go and have a quick peak : http://www.hampsteadvillagevoice.com

Incidentally, I'm off. Had enough. But don't worry - just a week in Palma to rejuvenate and get going on my book.

Well, there's only so much one can write about Hampstead, her prams and her pillar-boxes so it's time to venture into the world of the 'proper' writer.

Watch out George Orwell, here I come! Oh alright, George Formby.

Toodle Pip!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldsteinxxx

Editor on holiday... well, sort of.

The right to feed your baby...

2011-04-21T11:59:00.000-07:00

Nothing to do with breastfeeding - the front cover of the Pramstead Village Voice.

I received a phone call this morning: "have you seen page three of the Camden Journal"?

I popped off to get a copy and there was a story by Tom Foot about a woman who was asked to leave the King William IV for breastfeeding her child. I ask you, what has the world come to when a woman is thrown out of a public place for fulfilling the most basic of human needs - feeding a baby?

According to the story there were three men at the bar who decided to quote the front page of the Hampstead Village Voice whilst jeering, 'Invasion Of The Prammie Mammies' at her whilst waving a magazine in the air.

The story goes on to mention our splendid 'three page spoof photo feature on Pramstead', which has an innocent poke at 'the recent perambulator proliferation of Pramstead'.

Nowhere in the story does it mention the noble art of breastfeeding. Besides, as any Prammy Mammy will tell you, prams and breastfeeding are two completely separate subjects.

In case there was any doubt...

The Hampstead Village Voice would like to make it clear it backs a mothers right to feed her child in any public place at any time of day or night and strongly suggests the King William IV offers a sincere apology for its inappropriate decision to interfere whilst a mother fed her child.

A spokesman for the Metropolitan Borough of Hampstead said, "I don't know what the fuss is all about, it's all just a storm in a D cup".

Toodle Pip,

Mustafa Goldstein,

Editor in hot-pants

God Save The Queen composed in Hampstead?

2011-04-18T11:27:00.000-07:00

We urge you all to go and buy the single God Save The Queen by The Sex Pistols this week to ensure it goes No.1 in time for the Royal Wedding.

According the Heath and Hampstead Society website, The Sex Pistols composed God Save The Queen at Johnny Rotten's flat in New Court off Flask Walk. Whether it was actually written in the flat or just whilst Mr. Rotten (Ed. You're having a laugh) lived there, is open to speculation. What is certain is that if you purchase the single for a mere 99p from iTunes it'll chuck a few pence Johnny's way and might even go to No.1 ensuring God Save The Queen will be the musical back drop everytime they show the wedding in years to come. And wouldn't that be splendid!

Toodle-Pip!

Mustafa Goldstein x

Mustafa Goldstein

Editor in Bondage

Paul McCartney Exclusive! OUT NOW!

2011-03-28T07:48:00.001-07:00

Paul gives the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi a healthily sceptical look in this splendid photo by Philip Townsend currently on exhibition at
Zebra Gallery in Perrin's Court.

Yeah baby! We've finally caught a Beatle! I make no secret of being the world's No. 1 Beatle fan, so when top-notch Hampstead poet, love revolutionary and London taxi driver, the Bombardier Bard approached me with the charming story of his fab-four-fare (ed. oh please, spare us the gutter press puns) and intimate little chat with Paul McCartney, I leapt at the chance of publishing it in the Hampstead Village Voice.

It really is a lovely little piece so we've printed a few hundred extra than normal just in case. After all, anything with Paul's name on it tends to sell a bit more than you're average cup of tea (ed. not least his records).

I'll be popping down to Printline in Belsize Parkistan this afternoon to pick up the rough proofs, then hand them over to be scrutinised by our beady-eyed, all in one sub-editor, proof reader and barrister The Barroness of Rosslynshire (ed. Rosslyn Arms, more like).

Then it'll be time to put in the finishing touches and send it to the printers!

Edition 13 of the Hampstead Village Voice will be available at any decent Hampstead news agent [or Waterstones] from 15th of April 2011.

Oh God. And we've got a Farce-Book page now too. So check it out if you must... Oh, and bother, the Twitter page is called Hampstonia so if you're really, really bored indeed, you know what to do.

Hoorah!

Mustafa Goldstein x.
E. M. Goldstein
Editor.

Sub Editor Snuffs It

2011-03-06T15:44:00.000-08:00

He won't work for the Voice no more...

There's no particular reason why I put this picture of Luca Brasi up but it's late, I'm in Berlin and I felt I ought to do something for this ailing blog. And doesn't he look happy? I hereby name Luca Brasi ex-sub editor (in advance) of the Hampstead Village Voice.

The very splendid edition 12 is still available at Mag One, Waterstones, Hampstead Tube Station, Heath News, Village News, Holly Hill News, New End Mini Market, that news agent in Saff End Green and Mrs. Patel's in Fleet Road. Oh, and of course Shiraz's Late Night Extra in the Satellite State of Belsize Parkistan. Boycott Tesco's, slagg off Scamden and death to Highgate!

Viva Hampstonia!

EMGoldsteinxxx

Emmanuel 'Mustafa' Goldstein

Boy George for Breakfast.

2011-02-18T08:18:00.000-08:00

Breakfast

I have just had a rather splendid cup of coffee with Boy George, Jon Moss and another fellow - who's name has slipped my mind - at Cafe Scrooge this morning. Alas I am sworn to secrecy as to the content of the conversation but needless to say it was all rather splendid. Jon warned George that I was a "Journalist" to which I retorted - "I'm not a journalist, I'm a satirist and don't worry mate, you're not funny enough to get into the Hampstead Village Voice". This was of course complete bollocks because between them Jon and George have appeared at least half a dozen times in Hampstead's (the world's?) favourite magazine.

Culture Club fans are certainly advised to purchase a copy of the Spring edition of the Hampstead Village Voice which will be in the shops on April 15th 2011.

Luncheon

Meanwhile, it's back to the drab chore of flogging advertising from Hampstonia's Upper House of Parliament, La Gaffe, where an annoyingly American couple have just asked me to keep my voice down whilst on the phone. I have a good mind to have them extradited to Highgate or, worse still, the Afghan-Irish Republic of Kilburn! How dare these corporate Oceanic types come to my nice clean (well it was till Scamden took it over) country [Hampstonia] and tell me how to behave in my own office! Bastards!

Toodle-Pip!

Mustafa Goldstein
Editor in Hot-Pants.

Scamden: incompetent and wasteful!

A wee while ago the USSR (Union of Soviet Scamden Republics) wasted thousands of squid on those posters and banners telling us all to love our High Street and the "rebuilding" of the Whitestone Pondshop. Meanwhile shop after shop is closing down - including their own "Environment Local" which still stands empty. And now we are looking forward to the end of the Library as we know it. Aren't Scamden and Airstrip One shit! They can't even sort out a proper refuse policy. See the current edition [12] of the Hampstead Village Voice, out now.

Toodle Pip!

Mustafa Goldstein.
Ed in hot-pants.

Oh No We Were Sucked in...

2011-01-25T07:54:00.001-08:00

The new cover of the Hampstead Village Voice Edition 12 is at the shops now!

I'm sitting in my Bünker in Berlin and feeling dreadfully homesick. Oh for a pontless espresso at Café Scrooge or some Raisin Toast at the Coffee Cup. Berlin's all nice and fine but it just ain't home. You can take the boy out of Hampstead...

So destitute was I that I did the undoable and joined Farcebook where I've set up both a Mustafa Goldstein and Hampstead Village Voice page. I hate it. What a waste of time. Farting about trying to get the right pictures into the profile bit at the top of the page.

So feel free to look up Mustafa Goldstein on Farcebook - but, trust me, it's no replacement for the real thing, now available at your local news agent and Waterstones.

Surely the best £2 squid you ever spent! Hampstonian constitution... I should co-co!

Toodle Pip!

Mustafa Goldstein xxx

Editor in Hot-Pants.

Edition 12 at shops on Tuesday 18th Jan

2011-01-17T08:50:00.000-08:00

Everyone's on about Ricky Gervais so it's a good job I got an exclusive photo in tomorrow's Hampstead Village Voice [edition 12] which you can buy for only 84.00 Rubles from any Hampstead news agent.

Tony Parsons just twittered about how good Ricky was at the Globes last night and my mate Howard even phoned to praise his neighbour's irreverence to the great and the good.

Talking of Twitter, I'd thought I'd give it a go. Somehow less offensive than Farcebook, don't you think? Have a twit (is that what you say?) at Mustafa Goldstein at "Hampstonia".

Toodle Pip!

EMG.

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein.

Editor in Hot-Pants.

Edition 12 is at the printers!

2011-01-10T05:11:00.001-08:00

This splendid Ford Maddox Brown print of The Mount in 1860 appears in the 12th edition of the Hampstead Village Voice.

But enough of the culture! The new edition [in all Hampstead newsagents from 20th of January 2011] will also feature exclusive picture stories on Jonathan Ross, Ricky Gervais, David Baddiel, Cesc Fabregas, Ian Wright, Vanessa Feltz and Sadie Frost... I was thinking of calling it the Hello! Village Voice and just going all dumbed down and Farcebook-like on its arse but, actually, it's quite a mentally challenging edition.

Not least because of the Hampstonian Constitution - Part 1 and a potentially tricky attack on the PC Taliban [of modern day Airstrip One and the Union of Soviet Scamden Republics] presently crawling the street of Hampstead.

There's also a raunchy little story by sexy food critic Marcella Legief and mountains of art and nudism from Dr. Klaus Von Kunst. And those fellow sufferer's of Stressco will not be disappointed: there's no Tesco-Stressco but it is mentioned on pretty much every page. I really must find something else to right about - but we're still hoping to be sued by the supermarket giant [Ed. they wouldn't dare].

And then there's Wheelie Wevolting about the new residents of Hampstead, namely, the rats who are enjoying all that nosh pouring out of split, plastic bags all over the High Street. I know some of you find stories about wheelie bins a tad boring - but, like a terrier with it's teeth in Scamden's ankle, the Hampstead Village Voice will not rest until Hampstead is once again a clean and tidy place to live. So we're still pushing for a little common sense from them... (Ed. You've got more chance of winning the lottery!)

Back to the Hello! Hampstead Village Voice, I was tempted to add the balloon "Not a lot" from the mouth of Sadie Frost in a photo where an old class mate quotes the Beatles and asks, "Sexy Sadie, what have you done" but thought better of it seeing as she was with her son and from her perspective she does have a career (ed. unlike me) so it might have been hurtful [Ed. you're too soft].

More importantly, there's the wonderful A Hampstead Cat & Mouse Story by the lovely Peter Lund who sadly passed away recently. It's quite the sweetest thing I've ever read, plus my old mum really liked it and so will yours.

Right, must dash off and get to work on the new website... Yawn.

Toodle-Pip!

Mustafa Goldstein x

Editor in hot-pants.

Edition 12 imminent!

2011-01-02T05:23:00.000-08:00

Although horribly unpopular in Airstrip One, Scamden and Slimegate, Public Enemy No.1, Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein appears to have managed to gain cult status in Tokyo. Indeed, the well respected Japanese magazine Mr. Partner recently interviewed him about the Hampstead Village Voice and the Federal Republic of Hampstonia.

Of course, Mr. Goldstein's identity is a closely guarded secret and the picture above is of an Italian doppelgänger called Salvatore Tagliatelle and bares no resemblance to the real Mustafa G.

All being well, edition 12 will be out in the shops on Thursday the 20th of January and features, amongst other things, the first instalment of the constitution of the Federal Republic of Hampstonia. There are also exclusive local photo's of Cesc Fabregas, Ricky Gervais, Ian Wright, Vanessa Feltz, Jonathan Ross, David Baddiel and, most importantly, a long lost photo of our celestial editor in Chief, Bronco [John].

Plus all sorts of controversial nonsense.

Death be to Al High-Quaida and the Union of Soviet Scamden Republics!

Johnny Amalfi

pp. Mr. Honeka-Cohen

President of the Federal Republic of Hampstonia [land of the not so free]

Next Village Voice pencilled in for January 2011

2010-11-18T09:45:00.000-08:00

Being editor of the Hampstead Village Voice one gets asked to do the oddest things... below the result of a request to put the following on this site for the weekend... Well, I saw no harm in it...

World Peace Garden Camden

Dear Volunteers
The World Peace Garden Camden is converting a strip of waste land adjacent to
Hampstead Heath Overground into a tranquil natural beauty spot where we sponsor
the contemplation of inner peace and a better world by means of carefully chosen
words dedicated to this end from Sponsors of a Peace Tile .
The Peace Tiles will placed in the World Peace Garden Camden
The Peace Tiles will also be viewed and appreciated on the World Peace Garden Camden
website inviting others around the world to join us
A point of positive energy in the community promoting inner peace ,harmony & understanding
On Mitzvah Day 21st November from noon to 3pm volunteers will be working in three Teams
Team 1/ preparing to ground around the trees to plant 2 kil of daffodils around the trees
Team 2/ planting the daffodils
Team 3/clearing brambles and weeds
We look forward to everyone enjoying what should turn out to be a satisfying day of giving
selflessly to our friends and neighbours.
With love and thanks to all of our friends
Jonathan
Jonathan Bergman
Trustee
World Peace Garden Camden

Must Hava Cuppa Cha Stein.

www.hampstonian.co.uk

2010-11-12T05:56:00.001-08:00

The Hampstead Village Voice has taken a back seat whilst the new edition of The Hampstonian has been under construction. Indeed, for the first time, there's a half decent website to accompany the info-guide and directory for 2011 which will be put next week - 18th of November 2011. The website, www.hampstonian.co.uk is a charmingly presented effort so go and have a look.

Toodle pip!

Mustafa G.

HVV's little sister THE HAMPSTONIAN 2011 is on course....

2010-10-11T02:21:00.000-07:00

Tum-Tee-tum...

What the he'll am I doing on the side of a hill overlooking the picturesque town of Freiburg Im Breisgau in the Black Forest when I ought to be scurrying away getting the new version of The Hampstonian 2011, the Hampstead Village Voices prudent little sister, off to the printers? Well, for starters, it's a good opportunity to push the limits of modern technology and prove that one can do everything one can in Hampstead, without actually having to be in Hampstead. Let's face it, Hampstead's a bloody nightmare at the moment. One can' even buy a decent pair of Jeans for under £90 whereas in Freiburg I'll be picking up a pair of new jeans (not the worn out rubbish they sell at Crap) for €29! Hello? Can we get over the rip off Britain thing, please! Britain simply isn't that Great that it can overcharge for everything. It might have been once, but it ain't now, so grow up Englanders!

Alas, it appears one can't download a picture of the Black Forest onto an iPad so you'll just have to suffer and take my word for it: it's utterly beautiful.

Secondly, Freiburg's a lovely little town famed for it's lack of traffic and general green-ness. Somewhere from whch Hampstead could certainly learn a thing or two. You won't find the pavements strewn with stressco plastic bags around here. It would appear they still have something called dignity. But with that comes a dollop of austerity I would find hard to live with on a permanent basis. So I'll be heading back at some stage... As for the Hampstonian 2011....

Worry not! Your very own Mustafa is on the case and will spend the 7 hour train journey to Berlin finishing off The Hampstonian 2011 on his lappy top to have at the printers in time for the run in to....Argh...I day not mention the C word whilst it's still October. In time for December! By the way, it's going to be a vast improvement - if that were possible - on the 2010 edition and will include amongst other things a Restaurant guide and a "where to get free WiFi guide". How very splendid!

As for edition 12 of the Hampstead Village Voice, it is still in conception but ought to be on the shelves by January 1st, 2011.

Toodle pip!

Mustafa "Lord Whore-Whore" Goldstein
PS. Germany is also a very good place to buy Jeans if one is 6ft 7inches tall. More about that in the next Voice.

HAVE RICHARD & JUDY BOUGHT THE HAMPSTEAD VILLAGE VOICE?

2010-08-02T04:01:00.000-07:00

Has Richard Madely really bought the Hampstead Village Voice?

There's only one way to find out whether Richard has indeed bought the Hampstead Village Voice and that's to go in to a Hampstead newsagent and buy a copy because the freebies are over!

Yes folks, although we drop off a couple of copies at Hampstonia's national library [Keat's Grove] and the odd doctor's waiting room, our policy of saturating Hampstead with it's favourite satirical magazine free of charge has come to an end. It's no more Mr. Nice Guy. So you'll just have to fork out a couple of squid if you want in on all the local action.

The current edition features Boy George, Jon Moss, John Alderton, Tony Francis, Ranjit Bolt and, of course, Mr. Madely (above). We also have scathing attacks on Stressco, Scamden and Nat West's delivery boys G4 Security who have been persistently breaking the law and getting away with it. How very dare they!

And there's loads of other stuff that needs to be read, preferably whilst having that large weekend dump! I was thinking of having "The Hampstead Village Voice. No bog's complete without one..." as our new PR campaign slogan. What d'you think folks?

Yours irreverently,

Mustafa Goldstein x

Editor in Tea Person.

Who's a big Boy? Summer 2010 Edition in Hampstead shops NOW!!!

2010-07-22T14:08:00.000-07:00

Boy George very kindly poses for the Daily Hate Mail, a new sub-section of the Hampstead Village Voice which serves up some resentful bilge a la the most hideous of all the national newspapers. Yes the Daily Mail really is the most appallingly small minded publication. All it ever seems to do is slag off individuals like Boy George and Russell Brand for no reason or pick on some immigrant for moving into a two up-two down in St. John's Wood. Why shouldn't immigrants live in St. John's Wood or indeed Hampstead? And why shouldn't they claim benefits? Don't have a go at the poor immigrant for accepting a few squid within the limits of the law: have a go at H.M. Government if you're going to have a go at anyone. Oh, no, of course not. The Daily Hate Mail finds it easier to bully individuals than accuse H.M. Gov of being somewhat slack with everyones cash!

In the Summer Edition of the Hampstead Village Voice, the Daily Mail gets a taste of it's own medicine and is slagged off right and proper for being the fear mongering, xenophobic load of bollocks it is! What a horrid little paper. Did you know it supported the Nazis before Britain went to war with them? Yes it really did. That's how ghastly it is! Although it now claims to be Nazi free, it's still just about as mean as you can get without actually being a Nazi.

Also in this most glorious edition: Richard Madely buys the Hampstead Village Voice... or does he? There's the first ever picture of [almost anonymous] Mustafa Goldstein sporting an Arsenal Yamulka in Jerusalem; John Alderton says hello; Tony Parsons writes a bed time story; Klaus Von Kunst rants on about the Zebra Gallery and his uncle Günter; Ranjit Bolt does the Hampstead Rap; Sandy Markwick shares a little Hampstead History and the campaign to save the Duke of Hamilton gets full coverage... Oh, and the results of the Hampstead Village Voice Awards are published on the centre pages!

Bleedin' bargain! So off you trot to your local news vendor or Waterstones and get yourself a copy. A whole 2 squid? Yes, you're worth it!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein x,

Berlin. 22.07.2010

SUMMER VOICE IS OUT NOW!!!

2010-07-08T09:06:00.000-07:00

It's a miracle! The weird, wonderful and hard hitting Hampstead Village Voice is out this Saturday! Not only that, the Hammies Awards will take place at the Rosslyn Arms on Wednesday (7:30pm 14th July). I'm completely knackered but I think we've cracked a rather good edition this time around. Plenty of names to drop (Boy George, Russell Brand, Richard Madely, Tony Parsons and The Queen - well, she isn't in it but I thought I'd drop her name anyway) and some properly right old juicy stories.

Not least the continuing saga of the Duke of Hamilton.

I popped into see Woody and Mary today and they're livid with Hampstead. Not sure why cos all Hampstead wants is to keep the pub that's been there since 1721 a pub. But the Woody's have been like family to me over the years so I'm not about to go slagging them off but disagree strongly with Woody over the future of the pub. He doesn't think it has a future as a pub. I do. And so do alot of others. Nothing personal old boy - just don't like to see Hampstead pubs closed and turned into unaffordable housing for rich people. Nothing against rich people either. After all, I'd like to be one one day but that doesn't mean I'd want to spoil the fun for everyone else. And that's what we've had at The Duke for years. Fun! And lot's of it. Long may it continue and I'm pleased to report there are plenty of bidder's to take the pub over and give it a new lease of life. As long as Scamden and the owners (Wellington Pub Co. A.k.a. the Reuben Bros) don't get greedy, we'll still have a boozer there this time next year. It's just like an Ealing comedy init!

Toodle Pip!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldenbollocks
Editor

Volume Control

2010-04-28T15:35:00.000-07:00

Shut it Mr. Berlusconi. Where are your AC Milan now? Looks like Jose Mourinho's Inter-Milan are stealing the limelight from your media-state empire. Barca might play pretty football but after Messi got away without a yellow twice then Motta was sent off for nothing, I decided to cheer on Inter and a 0-0 draw. It ended 1-0 to Barca but Inter prevailed and well done them. We'll be opening an Hampstonian embassy in Barcelona this summer and shall delight in reminding the Catalans that they couldn't get 2 goals past 10 men at the Nou Camp. Isn't humility a wonderful thing amigos. Forca Hampstonia!

Is it me or did someone turn the volume down? It's when you travel to somewhere like Berlin that you realize how loud Hampstead (London, Britain, Airstrip One, Oceanea) has become. I sometimes think we're living in a blasted kindergarten and someone gave the kids a load of drills, saws and sirens. Even taking the S-Bahn from Hamburg airport, I noticed a big difference in noise pollution compared to the Piccadilly Line. Not only are the trains in Germany quieter, but there are less announcements and the beeping when the doors close isn't so shrilling. Is shrilling a word? Don't I mean shrill? I'm losing vocabulary in my old age. Anyway, it feels like London has it's volume turned permanently onto 11 whilst Hamburg is a very pleasant 7. Just right for a city.

I've been in the centre of Hamburg 8 hours and haven't heard a single police siren. Heaven! Not a builder in site. Joy! And leaf-blowers? what are leaf-blowers? It's pretty chilled around here but not in the least boring. I'm in a hotel around the corner from "Schulterblatt" in the "Schanzenviertel" a very cool area my girlfriend once referred to as "The Twelve Monkeys". It's all a bit anarchistic and graffiti'd but not in the least bit menacing. Just cool.

Having watched Barca fail to get 2 goals past a 10 man Inter-Milan (A good thing too, after that cheating twat Sergio got Motta sent off) i popped round the corner for a very pleasant bowl of pasta and an apfelschorle (apple juice & soda) on the Schulterblatt. There were a few Italians honking their horns (volume: 10 - but for good reason, so acceptable) and everyone was sitting outside drinking beer and Bionade, a non alcoholic bevvy that's become all the rage in Germany.

So off to Berlin tomorrow to see my old mum and no doubt watch Fulham v Hamburg in the evening with my old drummer friend and Hampstonian Ambassador to Berlin, Archie. Who knows, I might eventually even get around to starting the next edition of the Hampstead Village Voice a task that feels increasingly like doing a weeks worthof homework on a Sunday night. Oh well. Orwell that ends well.

E.M. Goldylocks

Mustafa Goldylocks.

Editor in Tea Person

THE ALMOST SUBVERSIVE SPRING EDITION OUT ON APRIL 1st

2010-03-22T16:50:00.001-07:00

The coat of arms of the Metropolitan Borough of Hampstead which is being reinstated after 55 years by the Nation State of Hampstonia to replace the wasteful and incompetent Scamden.

It appears Scamden and their corrupt paymasters the British (A.K.A. Airstrip One) will soon be out of business. Why? Because the revolution starts here in the tenth edition of the Hampstead Village Voice which I finally sent off to the printers today. Phew! All this deadline stuff - It's been like another episode of Lou Grant in my front room for the last three weeks and has left me with mild insomnia and a caffeine problem. Where's Mary Tyler-Moore when you need her? Christ I could use a shag!

But for a few light duties, I'm going to have a well earned day off tomorrow, the highlight of which will be to check out the screening of the excellent "Lives Of Others" at the Hampstead Town Hall where the newly formed Hampstead Film Society has its opening night tomorrow.

STOP PRESS:

The society, which will show FREE films up to July, did have the full backing of both the Hampstead Village Voice and the newly formed Metropolitan Borough of Hampstead until we discovered they are in fact stooges for both Scamden and Her Majesty's Airstrip One. The blighters even asked Hampstonians to fill out a form asking us our racial background! Isn't it racist to discriminate between races? If you're not racist, you don't care from which race someone is, do you? The form in question does and in my book that makes it racist. It's just the sort of idiotic "Lives Of Others" nonsense one might expect from Scamden and Airstrip One. After all, to true Hampstonians, race is completely irrelevant - so such forms are simply an insult to our intelligence. Even more ridiculously the form offers us the option of being "MALE", "FEMALE" or "TRANS". So according the enemy, there are now three sexes! How stupid is that? No disrespect to those of you who consider yourself "Transexual" but the fact remains, just because you're a bit confused as to whether you are male or female, doesn't mean there is a third sex called Trans, does it? Besides, Trans means to move from one to the other suggesting you are on a journey somewhere. Surely your destination sex is the one that matters? Either way, the fact we are expected to answer such ludicrous questions in order merely to watch a film is quite beyond me and every other sane Hampstonian. Oh, and in the spirit of The Lives Of Others, all the details of those foolish enough to fill in the form will be kept on a "computerised information system". You couldn't make it up! Scamden and Britain - we wash our hands of you and your frighteningly stupid mindset.

But I digress... To show Scamden who’s in charge, there's a Metropolitan Borough of Hampstead coat of arms on page 6 of the new Hampstead Village Voice for you to put in the window of your home, car or shop-front. If nothing else, it’ll make Scamden realize how unpopular they are and send them the clear message that they need to buck up their ideas somewhat. Fat chance. Those f***ers are in a world of their own.

Right. Off too have a little nap.

TTFN

Mustafa Goldsteinxxx

Editor in Tea Person

Sex: Male

Race: Human

GUNNERS VISIT CATTO GALLERY FOR WILLOW FOUNDATION

2010-03-15T07:25:00.000-07:00

Imogen Green [left] and Iain Barratt [right] of the Catto Gallery in Heath Street join Arsenal legend Bob Wilson and Theo Walcott with his girlfriend Melanie Slade to raise funds for the Willow Foundation which provides special, morale-boosting days for seriously ill 16 to 40 year olds. Well done them! Full story including pics of other Arsenal legends in the Spring edition of the Hampstead Village Voice out on the 1st of April 2010.

I just wrote a massive blog on how the next Hampstead Village Voice will be out on April 1st priced only £1.50 and how brilliant it's going to be; all the mega names and stories it's going to feature; loads of witty anecdotes about its glorious hampsteadness and how the Borough of Hampstead is making a come back etcetera etcetera...

And the blasted internet service provider [BT bloody OpenZone] logged me out and I lost everything!!! Testicles and sexual intercourse!

So you'll just have to trust me. It rocks. Go and buy it cos at £1.50 a copy it's a bleedin' bargain.

The Hampstead Village Voice Spring edition is out on April 1st 2010.

Your very own,

Musti G.

xxx

Editor In Exile

2009-12-13T08:14:00.000-08:00

Out Febuary 2010: The Hampstonian will feature a rather nice image of Rosslyn Hill in 1790.

Hello Darlings,

So sorry I haven't blooged for a bit. What with completing the new 100 page info-guide for Hampstead, namely, The Hampstonian [out Feb 2010] your beloved Musti's been a bit on the busy side. Worse still, those blighters at Scamden have taken out an ASBO against me and exiled me to a small island off the coast of France from whence I write.

There's this dodgy little french geezer here who orders everyone around. Think he's a Scamden spy. He acts like he's some sort of emperor, so he must work for the enemy. Worse still, it's 1812 and they haven't invented Wi-Fi yet so internet access is a bit hard to come by - thus the scarcity of my blogs and delay in getting the next Hampstead Village Voice [edition 10] together.

Fortunately, the present one [edition 009] - which features an 8 page special on George Orwell and how we're all living his 1984 nightmare - is so popular, people just keep buying it over and over again. Splendid! Might just reprint it to save the hassle of all that editing and writing.

Hang on a minute... "not now Josephine, can't you see I'm busy!"

Sorry about that. My bird Josephine was up for a bit of slap and tickle but you, the people of Hampstonia are - of course -much more important!

Okay, got to go. Josephine just won't wait any longer. I can hear her graoning in ecstatic anticipation in the next tent. "Coming dear!"

Toodle-Pip!

Mustafa Golsdstein

Editor in Exile.

SCAMDEN RE-DEFINES LOVE AS THE NEW HAMPSTEAD VILLAGE VOICE HITS SHOPS FROM OCTOBER 1st 2009!

2009-09-23T08:08:00.000-07:00

What a waste of money! £100,000 that ought to have been spent on something useful, like disbanding Scamden and reviving the Metropolitan Borough of Hampstead or some such similar, more managable and locally accountable authority who won't make running a local business impossible and know how to keep our High Street quiet, uncluttered and tidy.

It ain't easy being the editor of your local rag, I can tell you. Especially when you take on yet another magazine called The Hampstonian - an info guide and directory for Hampstead which will be out next year. Not only that, I've gone and fallen in love - a most marvelous but very time consuming excercise when you're the Editor, Publisher, Writer, Designer, PR geezer, Delivery Boy, Sales executive and Tea Person of not one but two magazines!

How I fit in five-a-side footy and lounging around outside coffee bars I'll never know. But I do know that I love her and the next edition of the Hampstead Village Voice is a right cracker!

Without getting all smug, I'm particularly pleased with the 9-page special on George Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four which turns sixty this year. And what with the BBC inviting the likes of Nick "Adolf-Himmler" Griffin onto Question Time to use the old - "we'll give you back your country cos it's all the fault of the non-whites" spiel, it couldn't be better timed.

The BBC seem to have been reading the Britischen Nazional Partie's favourite local paper the Himm & Heil Express (AKA Ham & High) lately, because to invite one of Hitler's disciples onto a national television debate in the midst of a recession hit Britain that is clearly overpopulated (No - that's not a racist or nationalist comment - but you can bet that little Brown Shirted w*nker will turn it into one), is to put it mildly a little on the risky side. Still, it won't half be entertaining - especially as I don't give a shit about sodding Airstrip One (formerly Britain) anymore and will be f*****g off to a cave in Afghanistan as soon as I can get a decent price for the Hampstead Village Voice!

Enjoy the new Hampstead Village Voice which'll be out on October 1st 1984... Er 2009.

Toodle Pip and Down With Big Brother!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein

Enemigo Del Hermano Grande

Edition 008 is in the shops!

2009-07-16T08:36:00.001-07:00

Everybody's buggered off and we don't care! Yes, Hampstead is definitely at it's best when the schools break up and all those snotty nosed little brats (just like me when I was a lad), bugger off on their hols and take their ghastly Four By Four, Hampstead Tractor mums with them.

Ahhh, there's nothing like a bit of peace and quiet and, were it not for those infernal police and ambulance sirens blasting their ear-piercing screeching noises at us all day, Hampstead would almost be as good as it was back in it's 1975 hey day.

I've taken it upon myself to release a new info-guide for Hampstead called The Hampstonian which will be out in the new year. It'll be free and, unlike that seedy little mag, the Hampstead Village Voice, will be utterly un-controversial and stuffed full of adverts.

You see, however much every one loves the HAVIVO - apart from that weird Daily Mail reading woman who hangs around the William IV and doesn't get it - The Hampstead Village Idiot doesn't earn a big enough crust to actually allow it's editor to live in Hampstead. That is it only makes about £2m a year, hardly enough to keep me, its editor, in espresso's - I have worked out that averaging 30 coffee's a day I need to gross at least £21,900 per annum just to pay off Caffé Nero. Add to that my Hampstead rent of £2m p/a and my Scamden Council Tax of £20m p/a and I'm decidedly down on the deal.

Thus the release of The Hampstonian which is going to be non satirical but afford me the opportunity of eloping to Brazil with a beautiful Brasiliana and living the serene life on a beach that I so richly deserve! Let's face it, the pension situation in old Blighty looks pretty shitty and Hampstead is deteriorating into nothing but a sub-soviet of Scamden. So who in their right minds would want to retire here?

Toodle Pip!

Musfarta OldSplean

Mustafa Goldstein

Ed.

Edition Numero Otto's On It's Way!

2009-06-16T17:09:00.000-07:00

Tony Soprano makes a brief appearance in edition 008 of the Hampstead Village Voice which will be out in July 2009.

It ain't easy being a Don. It's 1.10am and I'm clocking off having put the final touches to pages 1-12 of edition 008. Tomorrow it's pages 13-36, then off to be proofed by The Midfield General and Dianne The Brief. All being well, this monster of a Summer issue will be in the shops by the 1st of July so pick one up and take it on your hols because it has to better than the EasyJet (SleazyJet) magazine. Although, truth be known, I rather like the SleasyJet magazine. In fact compared to the Ryanair (LyingAir) magazine it's a positive joy. Whilst I'm at it, I haven't flown LyingAir for over two years and you can rest assured I will never fly with them again. Why? Because they're shit, that's why. I have a list as long as the Great Wall of China of reasons I will never fly with them again but take my word for it - if you're going for a cheap flight, pay the extra fiver and go with SleazyJet because they treat you more like the family pet rather than a sheep to the slaughter which is LyingAir's default setting.

Toodle Pip!

Don Mustafa

xxx

Culture Club fans swamp Head Office

2009-05-13T04:54:00.000-07:00

Jon and TV presenter Jameela Dyzantae back stage at the Hampstead Village Voice Awards (Hammies) at Burgh House, Hampstead.

Jon Does his Captain Black impression on a Culture Club import.

Since publishing Edition 007 of the Hampstead Village Voice I've also had to act as part-time secretary of the Jon Moss fan club, sending out copies of the Hampstead Village Voice interview on page 11 entitled "Eine kleine rock'n'roll espresso with JON MOSS" to Greece, Canada, America and various parts of Airstrip One (the country formerly known as Britain). In fact so much interest has the world shown in young Mr. Moss's interview that in order to save time I've posted the whole thing (minus some of the pictures) on this blog in the hope that it may allow me to continue with Edition 008 of the Hampstead Village Voice.

Jon appearing in Joseph & His Technicoloured Dreamcoat?

The following interview appeared in the Hampstead Village Voice, Numero 007, Spring Clean edition 2009.

Eine kleine rock'n'roll espresso with...

JON MOSS

So Jonny m’old mucka, where did you go to school?

What big school? Grown up school?

No little school.

My very first school was called Mrs McCathry’s in St. John’s Wood.

St. John’s Wood. Isn’t that abroad?

Yeah, they used to make us go up the stairs and bow. And at the end of the day we had to bow backwards down the stairs. The headmistress would sit at the very top of the house and that fat old bitch would beat us with some piece of wood. How times have changed.

Do you think that sort of abuse affected your grown up life?

Yeah, I didn’t grow up. But then I went to Arnold House which was alright. I did alot of sport there. I did a lot of boxing there - in fact, believe it or not I was going to become a professional boxer. Then when I was thirteen I discovered smoking, birds and masturbating so I decided boxing wasn’t such a good idea.

Can I put that in?

Yeah, why not?

What? smoking, birds and masturbation...

In that order!

When did you come to Hampstead?

I was born in Wandsworth and came to Hampstead when was six months old because I was adopted. I was born in Clapham Jewish Boys Home. It’s no longer there.

Did they accept ‘Goys’ there?

Probably, yeah. Anyway, I was very lucky cos I was adopted and came to live in Hampstead in 1957. My parents bought a house in Greenaway Gardens , one of Hampstead’s poshest streets for £8,000 which was very, very cheap even then. We were the poorest rich people in the street. So I grew up in Hampstead and went to Highgate School.

Did they beat you with a stick there as well?

No. I was lucky because the day I started there was my thirteenth birthday and they’d just abolished fagging but we still had to wear a cap and a three piece suit which was really weird. All you had to do to be a rebel at Highgate School was to wear black socks instead of grey socks. But what I used to do was turn up in a Prince of Wales chequered suit and when they went mad about it I told them my other my parents couldn’t afford to buy two suits. Of course it was lost on them how I could afford a Prince of Wales suit. But it was actually quite a cheap polyester affair that I’d saved up for and unfortunately it caught fire at some Sloanies party. Around 1970 I got into wearing two-tone suits. I used to wear a Ben Sherman shirt, a wine-red sleaveless pullover and red braces - I didn’t go for Doc Martins, that was bone-head stuff. I had a Crombie though.

A sort of Mod look?

It was called Sued-Head at the time. I had this cheap Crombie with a velvet collar and we used to wear a handkerchief in the breast pocket with three points showing and a diamond stud in it. It was all in the detail. We wore Stay-press trousers which had to be about three inches too short so you could see the white socks: my parents thought something miraculous had happened to me because I was actually wearing a suit, then they noticed the shortened trousers and white socks and they realised I looked like something out of the circus. The shoes were Salacio’s - in a sort of basket weave style with metal tips on them which was really stupid because you’d fall arse over tit all the time.

When did you get into drumming?

My brother played drums. He was in a band at school. So when my brother was out I used to sneak in and play drums when I was about thirteen. And my parents were really good because they’d let me practice at the top of the house. They never actually said as much but I think it was their way of getting back at the neighbours. I’d asked the Sgt. Major at Highgate School for drumming lessons.

Sgt. Major?

Yeah, it was a public school and we had a Sgt. Major. It was only twenty five years after the second world war and it was still all quite militaristic.

I always think of 1970 as being very hippy a la Withnail & I. But of course the establishment and public schools in particular were still very stiff -bit like that fantastic Lindsay Anderson film If.

Yeah. You either had to join the army, join the airforce or do public service every Tuesday afternoon. So I went for public service.

They should do that with hoodies now, shouldn’t they!

I had to go and see this old lady at a nursing home around the corner from the school and she died, which was convenient because I just took Tuesday afternoons off to go and shag my girlfriend.

What she was still dead, lying there whilst you ere shagging your girlfriend?

No, stupid, I just didn’t tell the school that she’d died in the nursing home.

Are you sure you didn’t leave her there, rotting away in a nursing home cupboard?

No, obviously she’d pegged out, bless her. She was lovely actually. Got all her rings off her and everything - (laughs) Not really.

So that’s why your so wealthy today?

No, shut up.

So what was your first band and were you in Hampstead at the time?

I’ve always been in Hampstead - albeit at that time I was in West Hampstead: a right shit-hole in Burrard Rd. The rent was pennies: no heating, no hot water, pay the electric in a meter with 10p coins. You know the sort of place.

Yeah - you’re my landlord, remember!

Very funny.

So, ahem, Rigsby, you’re in West Hampstead and gigging as a drummer, right?

Ahem...Well actually I started off as a tape op[erator] at the Marquee Studios and did all sorts of other bits and bobs and ended up hanging out with all the musicians like Led Zep.

Then you played with The Clash, right?

Yeah, it was when their first single, White Riot came out and they’d just made it. At first I thought Punk was awful but one day the penny dropped and I thought this is great so all the hair came off and I got beaten up that night outside Maxwell’s. So I got this black eye and my parent’s returned from holiday to find this completely different person - it wasn’t long hair and flairs anymore and my father hit me because he said I’d turned into a Nazi.

So anyway, I go down to the Stables in Camden Town and Joe Strummer was garbling out of the side of his mouth saying things like you’re not a punk and I said, “you’re The Clash aren’t you” and he said, “how do you know?” and I said, ”it’s written on the back of your bleedin’ jacket”. And it was weird because I had to go and have my hair cut properly - or not properly - so ironically it was a bit like public school, really. There was a lot of bullying and pier pressure and they really went out of their way to make you feel like the new boy. For example, I remember Mick Jones expected me to carry his bloody guitar in for him so I left it in the street and just drove off.

I also refused to wear a swastika which a lot of Punks used to do. The Clash weren’t really like that.

But Punks weren’t Nazis, where they?

No, they were just into shocking everyone. So they wore swastikas. It was shock they were into. That’s why when I got into punk my dad thought I’d turned into a Nazi. But of course I’m not and I never wore a swastika.

So, in the end I fell out with Joe Strummer and phoned him up and said, “Sorry mate, I’m not into this”.

And he said, what do you mean? Nobody leaves The Clash,” and I said, “Well, I’ve just done it mate!” And he said “You had better put your nose to the grind-stone Mossy-boy”. He was all ‘front’, Joe. He was alright really. Anyway that was that.

So then I formed this band called London. We nearly got a song on an advert for Golden Wonder crisps. Didn’t happen in the end but I really learned my trade. We went on tour with The Adverts and The Stranglers and it was right in the middle of Punk, but that’s when all the skin-head shit happened. I got suff chucked at me at every gig. I got stabbed. But I was lucky because living in Hampstead I used to go to The Nags Head (Ed. Sadly now Knight Frank, A.k.a. Shite W*nk, the esate agent) and they were all bikers.

Yeah, the front bar of the Flask used to have a lot of bikers too. I remember Lol and his legendary crow-bar.

I didn’t used to go to the Flask. It was always the Holly Bush or The Nags Head in those days. And I went to The Black Lion in West Hampstead sometimes. Not sure why I went there: think it was because they had a Durex machine.

So luckily all these biker guys used to come along to the gigs and there always used to be an almighty fight between them and the skins.

So they were almost like your Hampstead biker minders. It’s a shame about The Nag’s Head: I can’t see the Knight Frank possé giving you much protection today.

Yeah, but it just went on and on. There’s no way I could do that today. I got ussed to it then but it was pretty nasty stuff. I’m not like that really I don’t really have it in me. I’m not a fighter.

(Puts on effeminate Michael Jackson voice) You mean, “I’m a lover not a fighter, Paul...”

Very funny. Yeah, you know what I mean. But then again it toughened you up a bit and made you aware of the reality of things...

Yeah, that whole era was about getting chased by skins. I remember getting the shit kicked out of me in Hampstead High Street outside the Bird In Hand (ED. Now Café Scrooge) when I was thirteen by six skin-heads for no reason whatsoever in broad daylight. And everyone just walked past and did nothing. They think the hoodie youth of today are a problem - their f**king panzies compared to the skins from the Winch or the Abbey Road estate in those days.

Yeah, it was a very violent time (Ed. circa. 1978-82). I remember ten years after Culture Club finished going back and doing small gigs again and thinking “oh, shit, here we go again”, but it had all changed and there wasn’t any trouble anymore - and I thought “phew, what a relief!”.

So after London, I joined The Damned. Their drummer, Rat Scabies had gone bonkers.

Not surprising with a name like Rat Scabies.

Yeah he did actually go mad for a while, so we went on tour all over the place and that’s when I met all the Hell’s Angels through my brother who was a biker and they were quite good. They were actually quite handy. I remember I went back to the club house. The thing with the Hell’s Angels, like any ‘gang’ is there’s always a bloke called Mo, Spanner and Spider. And a bloke called ‘Tiny’ who’s the biggest bloke.

Spider’s always very skinny or has a hair-lip and Spanner’s the one who see’s colours.

So the Damned sort of fell apart and then I had a car crash as I was driving down Frognal from the Admirals House end. It was New Years Eve and I was on my way to meet with The Ramones. I was going to join The Ramones and they were playing at the Rainbow in Finsbury Park. It was at that bit near the top of Frognal that has no pavement. This bloke in a pink Jaguar XJS flashed me to go on and then he accelerated.

That was nice of him.

So I went through the windscreen and ended up at the Royal Free. I was quite badly bashed up.

(Pedantic Ed. Note to drivers: according to Highway Code, the flashing of lights means simply “I am here”, not, “you go first”. It also states that the driver going up hill has right of way. So, drivers, bare that in mind or you might end up down the Royal Free).

So to recouperate I went up to this guy Lou’s in place in Norfolk. He was completely mad and dug this basement. He actually dug it himself - it sounds mad now - it was probably really dangerous. Anyway, he built this studio in it and Captain Sensible of The Damned came up and we wrote this album. We did some really good recordings. The Captain didn’t stay but we became The Edge. After that eventually went tits-up I was doing a gig for a band called Gloria Mundy at UCL in Gower Street and got beaten up by about thirty skin-heads.

There were hundreds of these really hard-core skins there and as I was packing away my drum kit this bone-head got on stage and started going ‘zieg-heil, zieg-heil’. I had this new drum kit that I’d just saved up for and had nearly finished packing it away: I’d just literally only the base drum to go and this skin-head turned round and went “fucking yid”. They new there was a jew in the band - they always used to go ‘fucking jew drummer this and that”. So I ended up being beaten up by thirty people... the only good thing about being battered by thirty skins is that when there’s that many of them they can’t all get to you properly and end up kicking the back of some blokes calves or whatever. They were all so out of it they end up beating themselves up. I just went into a small ball and rode the storm. I didn’t actually come off too badly because I was wearing leather trousers and a leather jacket. There was one bloke - I think he was gay - he was trying to help me. He had me by the hair and I ended up with a big clump of hair missing. But at least he tried to help. They were just about to throw me off this really high stage to the hundred or so skins in the audience and I thought, ‘this is it. I’m going to die’, then the police came in the nick of time. Then this policeman picks me up, put’s me in a Half-Nelson and starts banging my head up against the f**king wall.

So I got away with a couple of bruised ribs, a broken nose and a couple of black eyes. I was lucky. They were all off their faces on cheap speed and alcohol and didn’t know what they were doing.

So how did Culture Club come about?

It’s quite weird. I’d split up with this girlfriend. She was called Jane Eyre who was signed to Stiff Records and the Edge become her backing band. Then Virgin wanted to sign us but said “without the drummer!” I thought, ‘hang on a minute’ and it turned out it was because Richard Branson wanted to get into her pants, so I was given the elbow. It was about 1980 and everythings fallen apart.

I ended up working here, just next to La Gaffe - there used to be a video copying place. I had about four jobs at the same time. I’d stick all the videos in and then I had two hours; I’d take the van they’d given me and go and do some jobs for some other people; come back, take the videos out and then go and do another job with the other van. That’s what Culture Club was started on - all that money. I was on about £400 a week, which in 1980 was a lot of money.

So anyway, just prior to that I went completely bonkers: I’d come back from this little tour and everyone had gone weird. They were all going (breaks into laid back accent) “Hi Jon, so what are you doing?” It turned out everyone had gone on this Exegesis thing and it was the sort of must-do find yourself experience thing at the time.

(Ed. Apparently the goal of biblical exegesis is to find the meaning of the text which then leads to discovering its significance or relevance- What? Learn how to read? Oh dear. I’m glad I missed out on that little spiritual-fad).

I thought if I went on this course thing, I’d some how win the woman back or whatever. So, anyway, I had about £250 quid in my pocket and thought, sod it - I’ll go along. There were about a hundred and fifty people there and this bloke got me up on stage and said “So what are you here for Jon?” And I said, “I want to be a successful musician”. It suddenly occured to me why I was there - I wasn’t there for that bloody woman at all. (Ed. Halleluyah! Jonny saw the light!) Obviously the whole thing was a load of b*ll*cks - you know - but funnily enough, six months later we started Culture Club and I thought “Blimey, it worked!”.

How very splendid! So how did Culture Club come about?

Oh yeah...Adam and the Ants! I went down for an audition with Adam and the Ants and made a couple of records with them. I couldn’t stand him. We were in Wales and there were about twenty people and the table and everyone said...we have to wait for Adam. He hated smoking. (Ed. Sounds like a dinner party with the Führer!) So I put the drum tracks down and got out of there. The next thing I know they made it really big.

So you left the Clash just before they became really big; you left Adam and the Ants just before they got really big - Did you start to think you were doomed to failure?

No, because I didn’t want to be in a band where I would just be the person they would tell what to do.

You wearn’t Ringo.

No Ringo’s different. Don’t be insulting to Ringo - How dare you! (Ed. Yeah, how very dare you, you infidel heathen! Ringo rocks!)

This is all rather fascinating but how did Culture Club come about?

Oh yeah, I got acall from this guy Terry Razor who said, (Jon breaks into thick Glaswegian accent) “there’s this boke called George who’s got a band, d’ya wanna come and try out for’t?”.

So I went along and I walked in and there was George and he had Mikey at the time and some other guy - poor guy - whom I sacked the next day. As soon as I met George I knew: I just knew. He had ‘it’. There were a couple of minor hurdles not least of which were the band was called In Praise Of Lemmings. Then he wanted to call it Sex Gang Children. So I said, George, do you want to be successful? Because if you do, maybe you should change the name. But we actually sold it for a tenner to some punk band.

So then he came up with Caravan Club and then I came up with Culture Club but he wanted to call himself Papa George, which is horrible isn’t it, so I called him Boy George and took him to Belmondo Hats in Golders Green -which isn’t there anymore - and bought him a Streimal and of course he had the dread-locks which were very trendy at the time.

So this poor bloke called ‘Suede’. He was a nice bloke. I was completely rude to hime and although I’d only been in the band a day I just told him “you’ve got to go”. And then we met Roy from Essex. It was quite good because George was from South London, I was from North London, Mikey was from West London and Roy was from East London. We were all completely different - so it was a good name. We really were a Culture Club. We could have called ourself The News, couldn’t we? North, East, West, South. That’s where the word news comes from, you know that don’t you?

I think the Arkala of the 15th Hampstead cubs mentioned it once - I don’t think you’d have been quite so successful with that name, do you? That’s done it! Now there’ll be some massive band called The News and they’ll all point back to this interview and we’ll be ridiculed forever!

Yeah and we’d have to (cont on page 42)

EDITOR FLEES TO GALILEE

2009-04-05T16:04:00.001-07:00

One of these bearded "gentlemen" is Mustafa Goldstein's Auntie Doris from Wuppertal who's going to take him to a damned good stoning.

Cor Blimey and Jehova be praised I've bloody well had enough of Hampstead, so I'm off. Bleedin' sick of the place if you really want to know. Well... So would Jehova be if he published the Hampstead Village Voice and every time Jehova walked up the High Street some infidel chucked in their blooming t'penny's worth.

Of course I love Hampstead - I love my mother too, doesn't mean I want to live with her day in and day out, does it! Even Jehova knows that! So I'm out of here and off for a spot of stoning in Galilee - Apparently it's a local boy this week and all I can say is he's got it good compared to what I've had to put up with from you lot!

Enjoy wallowing in heaps of bin-liners and spilt umska whilst I'm gone. Some of you actively seem to like it - No surprise the word Hamp-stead derives from Pig-Farm.

Snort Snort and up Jehova!

Toodle Pip!

Mustafa Goldsteinxxx

Un-popular Peoples Front of Hampstonia.

IT'S IN THE SHOPS!

2009-03-25T09:05:00.000-07:00

This is the already unlegendary poster promoting the Spring 2009 issue of Humpsturd's least favourite magazine...

Hoorah! The Spring Clean edition of the Hampstead Village Voice is out NOW!

Got up early (ish), had a coffee at Cafe Sneéro, then met he known only as "The Elf" for lunch at La Gaffe and it was off to the printers in Brimsdowne in Herbie-The-Hampstead-Village-Voice-Mobile A.K.A. the Elf's Volvo estate.

He wasn't a happy little Elf by the time we got to his favourite barber shop - where we usually stop off so that he can get his hair cut for £8. Well, Hampstead's so pricey these days- and Elf's aren't paid all that well. Anyway - it was Thursday and lo and behold they still have half day bloody closing up there in Middlesex! I thought half-day closing went out of fashion with Maynard's and Fowler's in Flask Walk! But obviously not in Brimsdowne.

So with Danny Baker blaring through the Elf's Volvo's stereo we manage to deliver some 1,300 copies of the Hampstead Village Voice to newsagents and bookshops in Hampstead, Saff End Green, Belsize Park and West Hampstead before retiring to the Rosslyn Arms for a pizza and a beverage. I drank a lime and soda and he drank several bottles of Becks with ice and a few Café Creme cigars: well, he ain't very Elfy, is he.

Chop-chop! off you go and purchase your Hampstead Village Voice immediately! The local economy depends on it!

Mustafa Goldstein

xxx

A.K.A.. Richard Nixon Jnr..

Confused, editor joins Caribineri

2009-03-23T06:51:00.000-07:00

Above: Confused by his Anglo-Arabic-German-Jewish ancestry, Hampstead Village Voice Editor, Emmanuell "Mustafa" Goldstein decides to join the Italian police. Note the illegally dumped black refuse bag (bottom right). Ahhh - just like home!

Captain's Log: stardate 23-03-2009. Someone said it was High-tie-m I got a proper job and as we can see from the picture above, my new position of Il Guardia Del Firenze a la Caribinieri has been keeping me very busy indeed. Some might say the fact that I now earn €21,000:00 a year for standing in a concrete podium for eight hours a day is a complete waste of tax-payers money. Not a bit! It's money well spent, not least because it will stop me producing that blasted magazine that gets up everybody's noses. Besides, it's Italian tax-payers who'll be coughing up the pasta, so what do you care?

Incidentally, the allegedly scandalous 7th edition of the Hampstead Village Voice features Oscar winning member of Parliament Mademoiselle GLENDA JACKSON (Oooooh!), NICKY HORNE on JOHN LENNON (Blimey!), HENRY KELLY (Corrrr!) JON MOSS (Wehey!), ADNANDUS DYZANTAE (Ahhhh!), THE MIDFIELD GENERAL (Arrrghhh!) and KLAUS VON KUNST (Whoops!) and will be available for the whopping, post-recession price of £2 whole squid from the following outlets as of April 1st 2009.

Toodle Pip and arrivederci,

Mustafa G.

xxx

PS. My new boss, Snr. Il Ducci-Generalissimo Berlusconi assures me it'll be a very good read.

Edition 007 Out on April 1st 2009 £2squid!

2009-03-02T03:52:00.000-08:00

Charming! Is Hampstead becoming a Khazi? Listen up restaurants, businesses and residents: it's time to start taking responsibility for our rubbish or face the Hampstead Village Voice Gallows of Shame. (This horror-show was recently dumped outside a business in Downshire Hill - what are they on?).

Hurrah! Edition 7 of the Hampstead Village Voice will be at you Hampstead news agents by the 1st of April 2009, is back to it's normal price of £2.00 (well, the recession's over init) and includes a FREE CD with every purchase! Unless of course you live in our Satellite State of Belsize Park in which case you can purchase your copy in Belsize Village or outside the tube station. Residents of the Soviet Republic of West Shamstead will have to walk all the way up West End Lane and buy their copy from Mr. Mystery because, frankly, all the other news agents in West Hampstead were so unenthusiastic and have so little Joie De Vivre that we can't be arsed with them any more. We wonder whether some of these people actually alive?

Meanwhile, I have been approached by several Hampstonians of late who are convinced the Hampstead Village Voice ought to come out at least monthly and that if it did this would in some way or another equal “progress” of some sort.

What utter poppycock! My dear Hampstonians, nothing could be further from the truth. For starters it would mean getting up very early every morning. How does that equal progress? After all, sleeping in, blissfully stretching and yawning whilst the rest of London crams into a carraige on the Northern Line is surely the most glorious of luxuries which only the foolish would forsake.

Besides, the whole ethic behind this thing is that it’s vehemently anti-rat-race. If the Hampstead Village Voice had a mission statement (which it hasn’t) it would be “Nice and easy does it”. What’s the rush?

Indeed we pride ourselves that no Roman calenders or alarm clocks are required in the production of the Hampstead Village Voice. It grows and evolves as naturally as an oak tree on Hampstead Heath and rusheth not to the foolish tempo of Governments, banks and corporations.

The Beatles had the right idea when they wrote the song I'm only sleeping (Revolver) which is right on the button :

"Everybody seems to think I'm lazy, I don't mind, I think they're crazy.

Running everywhere at such a speed - till they find, there's no need..."

Splendido!

Toodle pip!

Musti Goldsteinxxx

PS. Keep Hampstead Tidy!

PPS. Litter Highate at will!

Bribery and Corruption

2009-02-14T10:59:00.000-08:00

One law for Scamden another law for us...

It might appear to the casual observer that Scamden, to whom we pay vast quantities of council and parking taxes, are immune to their own rules. Obstructing public highways and leaving large articles of litter (ie. Those Orange Barrier Things) all over the place seems to be par for the course these days.

Were I to leave Bessy the Hampstead Village Voice bicycle in the middle of a zebra crossing, I could expect confiscation and a hefty fine at the very least. Yet Scamden's sub-contractors love nothing more than to flout the laws of the land on a regular basis. See above how a Scamden street cleaner leaves his blasted trolly in the middle of the Zebra. He often leaves it outside the Coffee Cup too, in a position where one can bang one's knee on his blasted broom handle that he leaves protruding in an awkward position.

Above The Law

Group 4 Security too keep driving onto the pavement and over the zebra crossing in order to deliver to Nat West (A.K.A. Twat-Pest) every Wednesday morning.

Scamden sub-contractors, Crowley love leaving hundreds of orange barrier things everywhere: if it were anyone else's shit it would be regarded as litter- but huge plastic orange things don't seem to qualify as litter as Scamden seem happy to allow Crowley to blot the landscape by not cleaning up after themselves. Those Orange things are everywhere.

Blahhh Blahhh Blahhh. I'm losing enthusiasm for all this... Anyone want to buy the magazine? Not sure if I can be arsed with all this much longer.

Mustafa G

Disillusioned of Hampstead

Russell makes Hampstead Village Voice debut then mysteriously disappears

2009-01-14T11:22:00.000-08:00

Last seen in the Hampstead Community Centre at Bruce & Carol's bookstall and on pages 3, 15, 25 and 26 of the current edition of Hampstead Village Voice, Russell Brand poses with a booky wook.

Haven't seen old Russy Wussy about for a bit - not since bumping into him in that Stressco hell hole, then dashing off to Xabia [Spain] to start work on my book.

He asked me what the book was about but I wasn't about to spill the beans on the greatest literary idea since Romeo and Juliet or Nineteen-Eighty-Four was I? Not that I don't trust old Russ, it's just not the done thing to tell people what a book's about till it's written, is it. It might scupper the thing and we wouldn't want to be doing that.

Glengarry Glen Ross

So now it's back to the business of getting edition 7 of the Hampstead Village Voice under way. I actually use the film Glengarry Glen Ross as a training exercise before going out and selling advertising. It's time to "Put that coffee down", get out the "Brass Balls" and "Always Be Closing". Especially with all this economic downturn malarky everyone's on about? "Yeah, I used to be in sales... It's a tough racket..." Bullshit! I'm going to go out tonight and close a five year contract with Oldschidt & Howler, Stressco and Star*ucks - "They're out there just waiting to give you their money... Are you going to take it? Are you man enough to take it?" Says Alec Baldwin to Jack Lemon et all in what has become the Hampstead Village Voice sales training and motivational DVD. Damned right I am! Charge!

Le Petite Crime

More importantly, Bessy the Hampstead Village Voice bicycle's had her gorgeous plastic basket nicked off her from out side Barclays Bank in the High St. We believe an employee recently made redundant by the Barclays credit crunch cull may have nicked it in order to clear his desk. Either that or it's the work of some jealous fiend who despises the Hampstead Village Voice and is attempting to sabotage our efforts to bring enlightenment, love and bohemia to the rapidly declining parish.

Hampstead Village Voice - Le Petite Crime Sheet No.1

Alas there have been several such instances of theft and sabotage in the last year including:

a) The blatant theft of our advertising board outside Hampstead Tube Station

b) The ripping off and chucking into the street of our advertising board outside the Village Newsagents on Heath St.

c) The letting out of air from Bessy the bicycle's rear wheel in Flask Walk.

d) The unsolicited use of our advertising boards by The Evening Standard, The Guardian and The Economist.

e) The theft of Bessy the bicycle's plastic basket.

We do think we allegedly smell an alleged conspiracy from one or all of the alleged following:

i) The CIA

ii) Scamden (various departments)

iii) Stressco

iv) Little Hoodie Wankers

v) Pissed off Security van driver

vii) Der Himm Und Heil Hitler Express

viii) M15

ix) The Evening Stan'rd, The Gruniad, The e-Communist

Of course this is all alleged hypothetical hogwash and it may just be some saddo has nothing better to do with their time than piss on the Hampstead Village Voice parade but let's face it, we are living in the blasted dark ages so what do we expect?

Is it me or is the world truly crap right now?

Tra la la and toodle pip!

Mustafa Goldstein x

Enemigo Del Gran Hermano

(Enemy of Big Brother)

Follow the shoe...

2008-12-14T13:54:00.001-08:00

If there were any lingering doubts as to whether to follow the "GOURD"or the "SHOE" they must surely now be laid to rest.

As Hampstead Village Voice writer Klaustafa von Kunstafa throws his shoe at the outgoing, self proclaimed 'leader of the western world' we ask, did George Bush go to shoe dodging classes? If not, we commend him on his superb shoe dodging technique and can only assume from his dodging skills this is not the first time he's had a shoe chucked at him.

"I don't know why this Hampstead Village Voice guy threw a shoe at me?" he claimed with a bewildered look on his face, "Maybe he was just after attention, you know, it's like when someone holds up less than five fingers in a traffic situation".

We're still trying to work out the exact meaning of that last statement but presume Mr. Bush is happy to compare the bombing of Baghdad and the murder of thousands of civilians to a minor road-rage situation.

So unsurpisingly, Mr. Bush, the reason he threw a shoe at you is because Klaustafa hates your guts for invading his country, killing his family and all his mates and objects to the very air you breathe because you are, to put it mildly, a complete c*nt.

As for Mr. K. von Kunstafa, we can only speculate as to whether we will ever see him at Hampstead Heath's buggery basin again. More likely he'll be on a flight to Guantanamo Bay via some dodgy, rat infested cellar in Syria. And knowing him, he'll love every moment. Be assured Klaustafa, you will always hold a place in the hearts of the Hampstead Popular Peoples Front. Thank you brother - you are a prevert of the highest order and beloved martyr to the cause of the HPPF.

All hail Klaustafa and follow The Shoe! The Shoe! The Shoe!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, Peace and goodwill to all men, women and little fury animals.

Musti xxx

Mustafa Goldstein

Pledging allegiance to nothing in particular...

2008-12-05T15:18:00.000-08:00

The Hampstead Village Voice (Edition 6) is currently doing swift trade at Hampstead News Agents.

Yes, that's right... Americans are buying it in droves just to burn it. Massive piles of the the Hampstead Village Voice have been spotted in flames on Parliament Hill and the American Embassy (The Rosslyn Deli) and U.S. Consulate (The Holly Bush) have been holding rallies and crisis meetings to deal with, what has been taken in some quarters as, "anti-Americanism" and "Commie Subversion".

But rest assured my Septic friends - nothing could be further from the truth. On the contrary, we at the Hampstead Village Voice have ceased to "fight" the inevitable and have happily conceded that we are in fact all Americans now. Yesiree Bob! Wooh! Yeahy! It's all good! Awsome dude e.t.c.

And being the commie-pinko, anarchist, liberal subversives that we are, we are delighted at the election of Barack Hussein Obama to the White House. So much so that we've paid him a special tribute in our page 5 leader column which he shares with the equally monumental re-paving of Perrin's Court N.W.Trois.

But not as delighted as we were at the election of Mario as winner of the Jon Moss of The Year Award! Or Adnandus Dyzantae as Author of the Year; The Duke of Hamilton as Top Boozer of the Year; The Coffee Cup as Best Café; Caffé Bianco for Best Coffee... Oh the list goes on.

There were a total of 40 awards handed out at Burgh House on Wednesday the 3rd of December 2008 and by Jove did we have a laugh. An audience of 8o watched in sheer terror as Mustafa Goldstein, Henry Kelly and Jon Moss handed out awards to the great and the good and the somewhat disoriented of Hampstead. There were another 20 Hampstonians hovering around the bar at the back whom top author and late arrival Tony Parsons later described to me as "Hampstead eccentrics". Bleedin' wino's more like. But hey, as long as they enjoyed themselves more power to their elbow. Alas I was so busy handing out awards and doing Dr. Strangelove impersonations in honour of the absent Klaus Von Kunst that I didn't see Tony and subsequently failed to invite him up to hand out awards to writers. What a pity for me, the writers and the audience but, on the bright side, Tony was spared 'the gallows' of public speaking.

There was a marvelous filmed "apology" from top DJ Nicky Horne "live" from "Honolulu" (Well, pre-recorded at La Gaffe - who won Best Hotel- but there was a palm tree behind him!) and possibly the greatest audience of all time including ex-councillor Mike Green(Con) who, when offered HM Government (Lab) on a plate as candidates for the Most Annoying Authority Award and put it to the vote, didn't raise his hand! Very noble of him, I'm sure or did he just feel a large Labour presence in the room and just 'bottled it'?

Most importantly, Hampstonian of the Year Award went to Alex Cowan who bravely jumped out of a small plane for charidy.

Anyway, Paolo the pianist was splendid as was Burgh House, The Bugh House Buttery's grub and the Villa Bianca for supplying the Vino. And also Silva's for six bottles of port which went down rather swimmingly with all those "Hampstead Eccentrics" at the back!

Down With Big Brother! Viva la Revolucion D'Amore!

E.M.Goldstein.

E.M. Goldstein, enemy of Big Brother.

The Wild West

2008-11-27T15:25:00.000-08:00

The Financial Crimes section of the Winter Edition of the Hampstead Village Voice is so very splendid I could cry.

Bessy the Bicycle outside Wintons in West Hampstead who are doing a fine job of selling the Hampstead Village Voice.

It would appear the Soviet Republic of West Hampstead (SRWH) is a bit hit and miss when it comes to the distribution of the Hampstead Village Voice.

On the bright side, Mystery, Hampstead Food & Wine, West End News and Winton's (pictured with Bessy the bicycle) appear to be playing ball and aiding and abetting the furtherance of our favourite and only local satirical magazine in the cold, harsh Soviet hinterlands of Hampstead's grubby little satellite state known in Victorian times simply as West End.

The same cannot be said of various other SRWH outlets who were happy to take our fine mag on a 'sale or return' basis but then pleaded complete ignorance to ever having received any when it came to coughing up for them. It would not be in the spirit of the Hampstead Village Voice to name and shame the worst offenders as they are not banks, governments, multi-national corporations or 'Street of Shame' medi-whores (who we like to shame at every proper opportunity) but small businesses with zero imagination to whom we can extend nothing but pity.

Pity? Yes because they won't be getting THE GREATEST MAGAZINE OF ALL TIME EVER! the Winter EDITION 6 of the HAMPSTEAD VILLAGE VOICE.

My goodness, it's a cracker! It's only got Russell Brand (who's still skill McGill regardless of what Daily Mail readers think), Nicky Horne, Tony Parsons, Klaus Von Kunst, Ronnie Wood, Eric Clapton (admittedly a very small mention of the man who played guitar on While My Guitar Gently Weeps, but hey, he gave me a hug so fuck it, that's worth a mention. I mean, how many people can say they've been hugged by Eric Clapton on Hampstead High Street?)

Name dropping aside, this really is the best mag we've done so far... Go and buy it. If you're skint and you have to rob an old lady or hold up a bank to get this edition of the magazine then do it. If you have to shag someone's grandad in the missionary position in order to purchase a copy, then so be it! But get it or regret it for the rest of your life!

Yours unfaithfully,

Jonofan Woss

Dr. Jonothan Wossy-Woss of Wossington Park

PS. Russell Brand is innocent cos he was actually very polite and it was me who got all saucy, rude and risqué on the radio.

PPS. Who fucking cares anyway? The attack on Pearl Harbour got less headlines! Aren't the Daily Mail a bunch of malicious c***s?

PPS. This isn't really Jonothan Woss writing this, it's the evil Mustafa Goldstein, but it is really Russell in the actual magazine! Hoorah! Hoorah! And Hoorah again!

The first ever "Hammies" at Burgh House

2008-11-19T15:27:00.000-08:00

Wehey! The 6th and arguably best ever edition of the Hampstead Village Voice is at the printers and should be in the shops by Tuesday the 25th of November 2008, a whole week ahead of schedule. How very splendid.

Better still, we'll be celebrating by holding the fist ever Hampstead Village Voice Awards (THE HAMMIES) at Burgh House, Well Walk, Hampstead on Wednesday the 3rd of December 2008.

Alas Russell Brand, who makes his Hampstead Village Voice debut in this glorious edition, will be in the USA until the 7th of Dec and is therefore unable to attend. (Ed. He really was going to come, honest, he told me himself, but he's filming and to be fair they're paying him more than we were not going to pay him) But we're not worried cos we've not seen or heard the last of old Russy Wussy when it comes to his involvement with the Hampstead Village Voice to be sure.

Alas again! Lisa Stansfield's away too, so she can't come either...Darn! Nicky Horne's working that night on his show for Planet Rock....So we'll have to settle for a "sorry I couldn't be there video". Blast! George Graham's playing golf....Balderdash.... Emma Thompson's not returned my email... neither have Paul McCartney's "people"...Ricky Gervais told me to "contact his agent". Sod that, he only lives in Willoughby Rd? Ronnie Wood and Eric Clapton won't be there either...unless I bump into Ronnie again at the Coffee Cup .

Fuck it! Nobody like us - we don't care!

Well apart from good old Henry Kelly! He loves us and says he'll come along and I'm sure old Johnny Moss'll pootle along to add a little bish-bash-bosh to the evening. Oh and top author Tony Parsons is going to be there handing out the literary gongs. (Stop press: I accosted Ricky Gervais as he jogged past The Wells Tavern today (25th Nov) and gave him an invitation. "I'll have a look", he said. What he'll have a look at is anybody's guess, but he seemed a little friendlier than when he first moved in a year ago. It would appear the laid back Hampstead air is relaxing his joggers loins somewhat.

Oh yeah...And Her Majesty the Queen will be at the door collecting tickets in her new uniform celebrating how American Hampstead has become.

Besides, the Hampstead Village Voice prides itself on always placing principles before personalities (Ed. Yeah right, that's why all you f***ing do is name drop), so as long as you're there, that's good enough for us!

Love, peace and name-dropping galore,

Mustafa Goldstein

Editor and failed name-dropper.

PS. If you read this, you're invited! See you there!

Pstead High St & Perrin's Court Botch Jobs

2008-10-20T15:14:00.000-07:00

Above: One day Scamden will get round to finishing this. That's if Hampstonia doesn't declare independence first.

I once had a science teacher at Hampstead Comprehensive School called Mr Barnet. His first words to us all were: "A picture tells a thousand words". Well, if these pictures are anything to go by, it would appear there's little local pride left in the maintenance of dear, sweet, beautiful Hampstead these days.

Why?

In a word: Scamden.

Is it now time for us, the proud Hampstonians of Hampstonia to storm the Bastille in Judd St (that's Scamden's HQ in Kings Cross) and revolt against those that simply don't give a shit about us or our beautiful Hampstead? And why should they, they're in Kings Cross for God's sake. They're used to wallowing around in umskah.

Why should we allow some blasted authority in King's Cross to balls up our lovely manor? No disrespect to King's Cross but Look at the place. It's a bleedin kahsi. Camden Town? It's practically an open crack-house. It's time for the London Borough of Hampstead (better still the nation state of Hampstonia) to take control of everything north of Pond Street, west of Hampstead Heath (including the Heath, of course), south of Whitestone Pond and east of Finchley Rd.

If Scamden want to allow King's Cross, Kentish Town and Camden Town to rot in a mass of chewing gum, split plastic bags and shit looking street furniture then good luck to them. But we say to them now in plain English: "Get out of Hampstead, please, you incompetent fools!"

Above: all in a days work. And what you see there was one days worth of cobbling (cement not included).

It's beyond comprehension... first they dig up Perrin's Court and replace the cobble stones that have been there for, well, as long as I can remember (42 yrs) with cheap nasty tarmac. Then, at vast expense to the council tax payer, Scamden hire the Rumanian version of Laurel & Hardy to do the whole thing again avec cobble stones. It has been pointed out to me by more than one local that those two blokes have managed about three yards of cobbling a day in between about seventeen fag breaks and a lot of staring into open space. Their working day also seems to start at about 11am and end at 3pm and, unsurprisingly, they've been cobbling this tiny stretch of Perrin's Court for well over a month.

A similar botch up happened in Church Row just prior to the Perrin's Court debacle at the cost of an extra £10,000.00 (Ed. And the rest).

In conclusion, Scamden are either ignorant of what is required around here and mis-inform their builders as to what needs to be done or are sub-contracting to well dodgy geezers who balls up as much as possible so they then have to return and do the whole job again at a huge cost to you, the council tax payer. And you wonder why your council tax is so ridiculously high and the country is embarking on a recession. Viva La Revolution!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein

Victory Mansions, London

Airstrip One

1984-2008

BREAKING NEWS: Attempted Military Coup D'etat!

2008-09-08T09:28:00.001-07:00

REUTERS....

.....Hampstead waits with bated breath after the attempted military coup d'etat of Hampstead Village Voice central office (above) in the early hours of Monday morning.

....Angered by relentless ridicule, and having already stolen the Hampstead Village Voice A-Board from outside Hampstead tube station earlier this summer, Scamden's Junta-militia led by Himm & Heil leader Jiff "Martini" Bore-mann (pictured above in a previous life as a pot-smoking clergyman miraculously plotting the coup d'etat some 50 years ago) stormed the HVV offices at exactly 1.05am yesterday morning in an attempt to over-power Mustafa Goldstein and prevent Edition 5 of Hampstead's most scurrilous magazine reaching the shelves.

....Although we have no idea yet as to whether the coup has actually succeeded, we do know that the printing press in Brimsdowne has had a large Spaniard thrown into it and much blood and guts has resulted

....As you read, fighting continues and only time will tell as to whether the Hampstead Village Voice, the HPPF and edition 5 will prevail against the evil Bore, Scamden's Junta and it's hideous anti-tea and biscuits propaganda machine....

Stand by for further news....

2008-09-01T11:35:00.000-07:00

The next (Autumn) issue's on it's way and Wowah-Weewah what an issue it's going to be! As a purely precautionary measure we have taken the step of adding a Parental Guidance sticker on the front page. This is partly due to the rather hot photo on page 28 which in modern day Neo-con, Anti-Sex-League Britain might just shock the Jones's a bit. They don't like it up 'em those Jones's! But mainly because it's bound to sell more with an explicit content label on the front!

The good news to celebrate the recession we've lowered the price from £2 squid to only £1.50 a copy! How nice are we!

There are also two faba-dooby-tastic interviews with Lisa Stansfield and George Graham and we've got loads of hot stuff about Hampstead's new nudist colony by Klaus Von Kunst, some rather sexy pics in Bilov's Sexytime and the definitive guide for estate agents suffering the 'credit crunch'. Plus some brand new and well justified slagging off of Scamdengrad and their botch jobs in Church Row and Perrin's Court. Best of all, we've hired Tony Soprano to answer your letters like only he can. Correction! Best of all we've come up with a cunning plan to eliminate traffic wardens.

There's no malice aforethought in the timing of edition FIVE's release which is the 11th of September 2008.

We were aiming for the 8th of September but when I received the test proof back from the printers, we noticed that a picture of fellow Hampstonian, George Graham, who'd so kindly given of his time for the Autumn edition, was a little too on the orange side for our liking. So off back to the printers it's gone and will now be in the shops from September 11th.

Ah the joy of technical hitches! Keep us on our toes and keeps 'em keen on the old High Street where apparently news agents are getting bored of the question "when's the next issue out?" Have they not caught on that, in the name of Anarchy and dishevelment, our beloved Hampstead Village Voice only comes out when it's bloody well ready - which just happens to be with the change of the seasons! Think yourselves lucky we still have four seasons in Hampstead. If we were based in Spain or somewhere they only really have two seasons, you'd only get two a year!

Could this be the best ever edition? You tell us!

Love

Musti xxx

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein

Enemigo Del Estado

"A VERY FINE PUBLICATION!"

2008-07-16T07:33:00.000-07:00

Those of you who listened to Russell Brand on BBC Radio 2 the other night will have heard the refreshingly lively comedian refer to our beloved magazine as, "the Hampstead Village Voice, a very fine publication!"

Hoorah for you Monsieur Brand for giving us our first national on air recognition. And on old Auntie Beeb, too! Well played old bean and you can be assured of vast amounts of praise and back scratching in our next issue, including a well positive review of your My Booky Wook wot I read on holiday and how it actually saved my life. Well, it certainly got me through a rather traumatic experience. So thanks for that Geezah.

TTFN,

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein III

Editor in Tea Person

PS. Apparently, Gary Crowley mentioned us on GLR too, but he doesn't really count cos he's not nearly as lovable or funny as Russell B.

Himm & Heill shameless attack on Hampstead Village Voice delivery boy

2008-07-09T06:49:00.000-07:00

Revealed! The true identity of Emmanuel "Mustafa" Goldstein

One might be forgiven for thinking the Himm & Heill, reacted somewhat un-intelligently to the two page wrist-slapping we gave them in the summer edition of the Hampstead Village Voice (Now available at Hampstead news agents) over their decision to advertise for den Britischen Nazional Partei.

Strangely, they went for a personal attack on our delivery boy, Sebastian, who also makes the tea and puts up posters on a voluntary basis. Apparently they are under the impression that poor Sebastian is in fact Editor of the Hampstead Village Voice and accused him of "hiding under a veil of anonymity" and "being libelous" in a recent H&H.

The poor lad, a dyslexic from the impoverished slums of Well Walk can't even spel proparly.

Further more, the Britischen Nazional sympathetic Himm & Heill go on to threaten our penniless and destitute delivery boy with "writs coming through his letter box". Oooh, you big bullies!

Impersonal note to Himm & Heill: listen chaps, there's no need for this name and shame gutter press stuff. And lay off our delivery boy or else we'll, er...we'll, uhm...tell his big bruvver who's like well hard! Of course we satirized you and your publishers Arschants for advertising (and therefore encouraging) a fascist party. I mean were we supposed to ignore it? Of course not. What did you expect? But it's nothing personal. Just business. Neither your editor or delivery boy were mentioned by name because we adhere to a "principles before personalities" code of misconduct. Were you to consider a similar policy, you might win some of your friends back by being nice and lovely like wot we are!

Yours Unfaithfully and big Kisses,

Mwah!

E.M. von Goldstein

Emmanuel "Mustafa" Goldstein

True & Supreme Editor in Chief of Tea & Biscuits who is in no way related to anyone called Sebastian or Marjory or Selwin.

Tea epidemic sweeps Hampstead!

2008-06-04T10:25:00.000-07:00

Yesiree! It's time for tea. Lots of tea...mountains of the stuff... and biscuits!

The magazine is at the printers and I've just gone around putting up the posters all over Humpsturd and forgot to take Bessy the Bicycle so my feet are killing me. Might also be down to the winning last-minute goal I scored playing footy last night.

So, all being well, the mag will be out on Monday 9th of June and I have a nasty feeling it's going to be the talk of the town. Not least our rant at the Ham & High (Himm & Heil) for hob-nobbing with den Britischen Nazional Partei. No apologies. If you do that you'll have your bottom spanked! And what a splendid spanking we give them. My only worry is, will I get assassinated before Borac Obama? (Ouch). The Hampstead branch of the KKK will be waiting in the wings so maybe it's time for this editor to head for the hills!

Love, Peace & Bunga,

Mustafa Goldstein

Editor in exile

PS. See yaw'll at the Bar Room Bar on Fri 20th of June for a right old knees up!

PPS. Traffic Wardens in full uniform welcome.

PPPS. Everyone else vill be nude in ze sauna!

SUMMER OF GLOVE!

2008-06-02T14:03:00.000-07:00

Well, if the weather doesn't improve soon, it lookes like we're heading for a Summer Of Glove rather than the expected Love feast we've all been promised. But worry not Hampsters: the Hampstead Village Voice edition 4 will be in the shops from Sunday the 8th of June 2008. That is of course if I can get it to the printers. We normally send it via this thing called WAMNET, which is some sort of internet super highway thingy that can deliver an entire magazine t't printers. But for some reason it isn't working, so I may find myself on a train to Brimsdowne in Middlesex (Hampstead's old county) with a disc. Expensive, old fashioned and time consuming but one things for sure, this edition's worth it! It's bleedin' marvelous and because of a strong Euro, it'll only cost you €2.00 if you're from the continent! Hoorah!

So enjoy it and I'll see you all at the Bar Room Bar A.K.A the Rosslyn Arms on Friday the 20th of June 2008 for the Hampstead Village Voice Summer Of Love Orgy!

Love, Peace & Bunga,

Emmanuell "Mustafa" GoldStein

Mustafa Breakdown!

2008-05-02T12:41:00.000-07:00

Our editor, Emanuelle "Mustafa" Goldstein (Seen above, disguised as an angry Arsenal baby, completely obliterating White Hart Lane) has buggered off and is no longer in charge of the Hampstead Village Voice. Indeed, our intel leads us to believe that as of April 1st 2008, he has officially ceased trading completely and was last seen heading towards Stamford Bridge on a mission to obliterate that too. Apparently he then plans to spend a year in bed to contemplate the fluff in his navel and avoid any sort of contact with Governments, corporations or Manchester Utd supporters.

In an unofficial statement he said, "It's all too much for me. I can't walk down the bloody High Street anymore. All this media-whoring's for arse-holes. I'm turning into an arse-hole! And I even allowed those scumbags Top Four Tottenham Hotspurms to advertise in the Summer edition of my beloved magazine! For money! I'm nothing but a cheap whore! I'm worse than the Himm & Heil Express. I just can't live with myself. I used to be such a nice, laid back kind of guy. Please release me! I'm running low on precious bodily fluids...I...I...can't. These things go down. I mean they really go down!"

We're still trying to work out the last part of that statement but can assure you that the Hampstead Village Voice will not be affected by Mustafa's apparent mental and emotional breakdown. We will make sure he receives the best possible treatment and that you the precious reader will not be affected in any way.

So here's looking forward to Mustafas swift recovery and Edition 4 of the Hampstead Village Voice which will be ready...well, when it's ready. Probably June- if you're lucky.

Toodle Pip and may your breasts yield much soya.

El Consiglieri

On Behalf of the "Bored".

Nat West Delivery Boys Break Law!

2008-03-19T07:10:00.000-07:00

Stop him! A security van hired by Nat West, blatantly ignores the law! Is it now acceptable for vehicles to drive on pavements and over zebra crossing zig-zags compromising public safety simply because they deliver huge amounts of money? Is there one rule for High Street Bank delivery boys and another for the rest of us?

Pictured above: Bessy, the Hampstead Village Voice bicycle narrowly escapes a credit crunching from Nat West's law breaking delivery boys.

We've never had it so good! Don't you love it when financial institutions collapse and crumble and start freaking out because they've lost all their toys. Suddenly they think they can go around shifting goal posts and breaking laws. Even the security guards who shift Nat West Bank's wonga have started spitting their dummies out.

A rather large security van, illegally parked on the pavement outside Nat West was in threateningly close proximity to the Hampstead Village Voice bicycle's back wheel today. So in fear of my bike's health I politely asked the security bloke whether he was indeed allowed to park on the pavement?

"Fuck Off" was his only reply as he locked himself into the van.

"Charming! There's no need for that, sir!" I retorted before he came back out and grimaced menacingly at me with another rude remark.

Now even more concerned about my bike meeting with 'a nasty little accident on purpose', I waited and watched from the safety of the green grocers as the guard went in and out of the bank with Nat West's booty over a period of about 20 minutes. Bored with shivering in the cold, I eventually decided to move my bike out of harms way and, at that very moment, the Old Bill arrived and asked to have a word with me. From this I can only presume that the guard (who had pictures of West Ham Utd players on the back of his helmet) had 'grassed me up' to the local constabulary. This was a course of action I had previously considered myself but had thought better of.

Yet, having been shopped by the Horrid Hammer, I decided to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth to the Old Bill who went and gave the blackguard a jolly good ticking off! And a good thing, too!

After all, the blighter had committed several heinous crimes in the space of only 20 minutes:

1. Driven onto a pavement, over zebra crossing zig-zags with a bloody great van.

2. Narrowly avoided damaging Hampstead Village Voice property.

3. Obstructed a public highway for twenty minutes.

4. Verbally abused a member of the public.

5. Openly supported West Ham Utd on a Hampstead highway.

6. Grassed up a Hampstonian to the law without due reason.

7. Driven back over the pavement and zebra zig-zags to no doubt continue his wanton pillage of civilization as we know it.

Emmanuelle "Mustafa" Goldstein.

...AND ANOTHER THING!

Furthermore one might deduce that this bounder wore the West Ham Utd player stickers on the back of his helmet as some sort of added "please don't clobber me" protection from bank robbers. His logic being that a large percentage of bank robbers are of an East End ethnic persuasion living within the vicinity of the Boleyn Ground and therefore most likely West Ham Utd supporters.

On seeing their footballing hero's on the back of his helmet, the robbers would think to themselves- "Hang on a tick, this security guard's a Hammer! He's one of us bleeding Irons! I'd better had not whack him ruthlessly on the back of the neck with my sawn off shot gun, lest I see him up Upton Park one day".

The Hampstead Village Voice suggests the following immigration boundaries might be advisable to those wishing to frequent our beloved 'village':

People of all persuasions, East End or otherwise are warmly welcomed to live in Hampstead or for visits, work, walks and other dalliances as long as they behave themselves in a jovial, civilized and/or gentlemanly manner. Otherwise they will be asked politely to bugger off from whence they came by our friendly constabulary!

Inspector Clouseau.

Ministry of Love.

PS. We understand that being a security guard is a stressful and dangerous occupation, but we are not in a war zone and there is no need for mindless law breaking and inappropriate rudeness!

Spring Party!

2008-03-11T10:14:00.000-07:00

LET´S ALL DO THE DISCO!

This Friday the 14th of March 2008 @ ICONS, Pond Street (Conveniently located opposite the Royal Free Hospital and next to a funeral parlour- always handy after a few too many ales!)

Be there before 7pm for a free glass of bubbly.

Splendido!

Mustafa

EDITION THREE IS IN THE SHOPS

2008-02-23T15:05:00.000-08:00

These days you can't buy a single fag in Fowlers; Maynards has gone forever; The Owl & The Pussycat is but a mere memory now, yet Flask Walk's still there...But for how long? Would we be surprised if the council built a dual carriage way here? They seem to be spending thousands on digging up roads these days. There's hardly a road in Hampstead that hasn't got some construction company drilling away... back-handers? Hmmmm...

Edition 3 of the Hampstead Village Voice is in the shops, so off you trot and buy your copy, if only for the Hampstonian's View of the World centre page poster by Helen Cusack. It's Pop-tastic!

Edition three is at the printers!

2008-02-19T04:33:00.000-08:00

Oh Yes! It's time for the third edition of Hampstead's best (well, only) satirical magazine. And it's going to be in all your favourite newsagents before you can say Buggery Basin, or at least by Monday the 25th of February, well ahead of the scheduled 1st of March release date!

This edition features a free, must have poster, The Hampstonian's View Of The World; exclusive photos of the Express Dairy; Tesco Stressco (the sequel); zebra crossings; moody fishmongers; the Wharrie Shelter, 'Ampstead 'Arry, Clive Barker; The Bronco Files (featuring Peter Cook); A trip down mammary lane; Leaf It Out Guvnor (Part II); Hampstead Favourites (The Excellent Health Company); Sexytime (feat. Our very own Angelina Miele); Fruit & Veg; Travel Section (Escape From Hampstatraz); Hampstead Faces; The Gentle Art Of Being A Pub Landlord; The Hampstead Crossword; Heathen; French Letters and News Agent Of The Year Award 2007. Plus your non-essential Rather Useful Page.

Corr Blimey! This one's a cracker! What more could anyone possibly want?

I must admit I'm terrified of old ladies approaching me in the street and yelping at me about the FCUK corporate logo being used on the front cover of edition three. The question is, can FCUK be offensive after it was brandished by a huge clothes outlet everywhere for so long? Is it in context? Is it satirical? Is it a bit rude? Well, I won't be around to find out! I'm off to Europe and civilization for a bit, so old ladies, you can put those umbrellas away for a bit.

Toodle Pip!

Mustafa Goldstein

Editor in Exile.

Village Voice delayed by Taxman

2008-01-11T14:31:00.000-08:00

"Now my advice for those who die,

Declare the pennies on your eyes"

-George Harrison.

Why the bloody hell should the editor of the Hampstead Village Voice, a dishonerable citizen of the non-sovereign state of Hampstead, have to waste his valuable time on filing a bleeding tax return to Her Majesty's Revenue & Customs? Remember this is the same Government body that recently 'lost' £800,000 squids worth of cocaine, 25 million of its citizens personal details and continues to spend Hampstonians wonga on the hopeless quest to 'normalise' some country it just bombed the crap out of and that's even further away than Chalk Farm! I ask you, does this make sense?

And now they expect us to send them all our details on some dodgy on-line form just so that a spotty twelve year old hacker can share it with all his hoodie mates at school. Crikey! You ought to read the ridiculous terms and conditions for which there is an "agree" button and a "decline" button. What's the point in that? Press "decline" and you get fined £100 quid on the spot and may serve a prison sentence: not much of a choice is it? How decent of them to ask, though.

But if we don't pay our taxes, who's going to pay for schools I hear you whimper? Hey, if we stopped having so many children we wouldn't be so over-populated and need so many blasted schools! It's not as though kids even like going to the ruddy places. I know I didn't! I mean, who wants to be institutionalized and bossed around by a load of miserable, underpaid adults for eleven years?

Stop procreating you fools!

If we stopped having kids for , say, five years- there'd be more food, money, housing, clothes and general stuff for everyone on the planet. And I can guarantee if we limited the number of kids we had there'd be less war, earthquakes and unemployment too! Yup, you can call me mad all you like, but I reckon that's how nature/God/the Universe (call it what you will) works. It'll control population one way or the other! If we did it ourselves it wouldn't feel the need to stop us raping the planet. Plus there'd be less energy used and the human carbon footprint would automatically diminish. So don't be selfish! Wear a Johnny and put off having that child for a few years: there are more than enough human beings on the planet.

Cookie Tin

Now that one of their top men, Peter Hain, has got his fingers caught in the £100k cookie tin, I must ask, do we really trust Governments with our hard earned dosh? Do we really want a percentage of the £2 squid we spend on the Hampstead Village Voice to go to these people? Like hell we do!

Would we rather not pay tribute to a good old fashioned Don? At least Dons are honest about being corrupt- they don't pretend to be anything else.

Worst of all, the editor of the Voice is really slow with figures and can't afford an accountant so edition three of Hampsteads favourite (er, only) magazine will be delayed by at least a week while he tries to cook the books and find enough receipts so that he won't have to contribute too much to the farce that is Her Majesty's Government.

Besides that would be against his religion- which is based on the sound and fundamental principles of Anarchy in the UK. (i.e. No Government at all!) Shit, if there wasn't a prison sentence at the end of it, would anybody pay these arse-holes?

We at the Hampstead Village Voice say it's time for mutiny! Revolution might be going a bit far- after all we are somewhat British, and it might balls up the cricket fixtures in the summer- so non-violent mutiny is the way to go! Ha Harrr Me Hartys!

Selwyn McGlomerate

Office Clerk and Abacus abuser.

Ps. How does anyone, let alone a Government department such as HMRC, "lose" £8m squids worth of cocaine? Isn't that a little irresponsible? 'Bet someone had a nasty cold and a fat wallet on New Years Day.

ROMANS!

2008-01-04T04:34:00.001-08:00

"Whatever I said it was wrong, or was taken wrong, and now there's all this..." John Lennon.

Yes, That's right, it's good old winter again. Being a devout German Jew with strong Muslim sympathies and a penchant for the distribution of wealth, I knew I was never going to be Mr. Popular around here. But hey, I've gotten my hangover out of the way and have pledged to never drink as long as I live! Like Mark Twain with smoking, I've done it successfully millions of times so should be a piece of piss!

Plus I'm ever so slightly bored of a small minority of envious, resentful public house dwelling bullies coming up to me and spitting their drunken dummies out because they didn't think of the Hampstead Village Voice first! Blimey, I've even had the Hampstead K.K.K. on my case giving it the old 'Don't You Eye-Ball Me Boy', routine! Actual quotes include "be careful","watch it-MATE!", "who do you think you are" and "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you". There were two occasions of actually physical bodily violence against my personage (although that wasn't the K.K.K., it was the People of Hampstead Un-Popular Peoples Front: Splitters!).

I'd like to think all this was personal but it never happened before releasing the Hampstead Village Voice so I'm afraid it looks like business. Hey, listen, ladies- just release the Hampstead Nazi Monthly or whatever, but don't come to me if you're going to be rude, threatening and violent. It's bad manners!

To my credit, I have not reported any of this to the Romans, the King's Men or Don Vito Corleone and those involved will remain anonymous. We don't do gossip or grassing up of minor individuals here at the Voice. We leave that kind of assault for the Multinationals, Scamden and Her Majesties Government. Yet I do feel it my duty to report that bullying is not solely the domain of the hooded youth and that, alas, freedom of speech in modern day Hampstead comes with an element of risk. Ah, Freedom and Democracy: it's all the same hypocrisy.

Meanwhile the large majority of Hampstonians who've approached yours truly have been incredibly supportive and have told me how much they love the rag. Hampstonians are contributing masses of stories, photos, letters and advertising for issue three which, if I am not assassinated first, ought to be out in late February. Lots of love and to all those little girls who wanted a fight- Join the Army!

Emmanuel "Mustafa" Goldstein (Editor in Tea Person)

Selling Like Hot Turds!

2007-11-02T04:15:00.000-07:00

Yes! Edition two is at the printers and may even be at your newsagents early! Official release date is the 1st of December but don't be surprised if you see it there by the last week of November. Hoorah! And for goodness sake don't miss the CHRIMBO PARTY at The Tabby Cat (a.k.a. Flabby Twat) Lounge on TUES 11th of DECEMBER 2007 from 6pm. Bring your Hampstead Village Voice for a free drinkie before 7pm. See you there!

Incidentally someone with the dubious name of 'Liits' commented on this blog recently, "I must be selling like hot turds or else, why would a whole pile have been deposited in my local? Remainded possibly? I think we should be told!" Well, Liits, we're not really that bothered how well YOU are selling. As for the Hampstead Village Voice, it sold way beyond our expectations. If you really want to know how many we've sold, go and ask all the Hampstead newsagents who'll be happy to tell you! To answer your other 'question', it is the policy of this magazine to sell as many as possible for a month or so and then distribute the remainder freely. As well as keeping our advertisers happy, it means the Meek don't have to pay if they're prepared to wait for free distribution (which, quite frankly, is the Meek's only duty!). It's also good promotion for the mag. Answer your questions? Toodle-Pip!

2007-09-25T07:53:00.000-07:00

Core blimey! Things seem to have gone swimmingly for us so far. Top notch launch at The Tabby Cat Lounge, Sales galore at all your favourite Hampstead news agents and now it's back to the grind to get issue two out for December 1st! Of course we'll be throwing another party at the Flabby Twat! Which raises the point- are we swearing too much? Some old geezers aren't pleased with our loose use of the English lingo! Gawd Blimey (is that alright?), Arsefcuks isn't a swear word is it? After all FCUK is a bog standard corporate image. And surely the word 'arse' doesn't offend?
Well, can't be hanging around... The bumper Winter issue with an extra 8 pages won't write itself! Toodle pip! Mustafa PS. You can see or buy images of Hampstead like the one of the Flask (above) from the 6th of November to Dec 1st at Rainbird Fine Art 114 Clerkenwell Road, London, EC1M. Hours: Tue - Fri 11.30 -6.00. Sat. 12.00 – 4.00. Sun/Mon by appt. T: + 44 (0)20 7608 3333 E: info@rainbirdfineart.com W: www.rainbirdfineart.com Tube: Farringdon (which is abroad!)

IT'S A HIT!!!!

2007-08-30T09:51:00.000-07:00

Yes! It's selling like hot-cakes! Early indications show a land-slide victory for The Hampstead Village Voice! Old ladies have been complaining about our "WELL WALK BROTHEL SHOKKA" billboards outside Hampstead's newsagents. Apparently even more people have been asking for the exact address of the alledged bordello!!! Others have been complaining about the £2 squid price tag of Hampstead's best and only satirical magazine. And we say, if they don't like it, they can go and spend £3.20 on a skinny latte with an extra shot of espresso at Arsefcuks and read that!!!! Tossers! The Hampstead Village Voice is now in all good Hampstead newsagents! Yes siree Bob! So what are you waiting for? Dash out and get your copy now! See yaw'll at the launch!

GO FOR LAUNCH!!!

2007-07-27T09:04:00.001-07:00

HOUSTON- WE ARE GO FOR LAUNCH! Yesiree Bob...the Pdf's are at the printers and the Hampstead Village Voice, once a dream soon to be reality, is on it's way! All being well this beast of a mag will be available at your Hampstead newsagent on SATURDAY SEPTEMBER 1st! So up you get, bright and early, and get yourself a Wagon Wheel, a Curley Wurley, some Fruit Salad's, Black Jack's, Bazooka Joe's and a copy of the Hampstead Village Voice! Who needs The Beano or Dandy when the Voice is in town? Eat you're heart out Dennis The Menace cos The High Street Spy's going to piss on everyone's parade! See yaw'll at the launch party on Thurs 6th Sept 2007 @ The Tabby Cat Lounge (formerly Maxwell's), Heath Street, Snotstead. 6pm onwards. Toodle-Pip! Lord Snottington of Snotstead.

Lovely Weather We're Having!

2007-07-23T07:38:00.000-07:00

The launch of the Hampstead Village Voice is on September the 6th 2007 at the Tabby Cat Lounge (formerly Maxwell's). Be there between 6-8pm with a copy of the Hampstead Village Voice and recieve a drink on the house! Result! Incidentally, above is The New End Mini Market (formerly Carnegie Stores) where one can buy an avacado for 49p. And the best news of all is that every time I've purchased one it's ripe, fresh and ready to go unlike Stressco, where the Av's always seem to be as hard as rock and a lot more expensive! You may also notice a certain Michael Wooderson (aka. Woody) sitting outside. It would appear he has finally passed the reigns of The Duke Of Hamilton and retired t'ut country. The end of an era if ever there was one.Toodle Pip Old Bean! DS

GOD BLESS HIGH STREET HAMPMERICA!

2007-07-06T10:01:00.000-07:00

Pikky of Hampstead Heath in eighteen hundred and something. We reckon it's that bit up from the Aqueduct (aka. Red Arches) up towards Ye Old Nobbly Hollow Tree. Anyway, it's all go at the Hampstead Village Voice which is rapidly resembling an episode of Lou Grant. Will be running the whole thing by our team of dislexic editorial experts so that shpelling mistaeks and grammatical errors are kept to a minimum like, innit. Still awaiting one or two stragglers for advertising artwork but editorially we're in good shape (Septic for "we're on course"). Talking of Americans, aren't there a lot about at the moment? 10am on Hampstead High Street's like kinda full o' yank mums awl kinda tawkin' lack Donald bleedin' Duck! Thinking of renaming the mag to Greenwich Village Voice...er...uhm... maybe not. Remember to put Thursday the 6th of September in your diary for the launch of The Humpsturd Village Voice. 7pm at The Tabby Cat Lounge. West-side and Toodle Pip. DS.

Apart from Tanker what rhymes with Banker?

2007-06-25T06:37:00.000-07:00

If you want a nice cup of coffee for 40p you could do a lot worse than pop in to the church on Heath Street this weekend. You'll even get a free biscuit thrown in! Well Played the Baptists! No, not Baptista! He's rubbish. So's Henry! Good riddance! Couldn't kick a ball to save his life! While we're at it- All banks are complete arseholes! Yes! It's true! Their just a bunch of complete wankers so we're off to the Post Office to open the Hampstead Village Voice account. Actually, given the choice we'd run it from a shoe box but HMR&C wouldn't stand for it. So to name and shame: NAT WEST made us fill out loads of forms, tried to sell us insurance and various other services we didn't want and messed us around for a month then...."Computer said no!". BARCLAYS didn't have the bollocks to take our money either! We didn't even want a loan! Not a penny! Just to deposit a load of cheques from our local advertisers. Yup! That's how bad the HVV's credit is! But as an old radio presenter mate of mine Scottie Chisholm always used to tell me, "Give them 20p and tell them to go and phone someone who gives a toss!" and "Don't let the bastards live rent free in your head". Wise words indeed. Banking aside, things are going swimmingly and we're on track for the launch in September. We'll see you all at The Tabby Cat Lounge at 7pm on Thursday September 6th for a party Hampstead will never forget! Your very own, Mustafa Goldstein.

All You Need Is Meat...

2007-06-02T07:46:00.000-07:00

The Beatles hung about hampstead quite a bit and it's as likely as not they procured their meat from JA Steeles in Flask Walk which is still with us to this very day. In fact Ringo used to hang about Willoughby Rd and Paul was spotted by Rob H. by the Vale of Health very recently just after he dumped that what's her name. Rob who's been fishing around the Heath since he was a lad told me the conversation went something like: Rob- "It's you isn't it!" Paul- "Yup it's me alright" Rob- "It's really you" Paul- "Oh yeah, it's definitely me!" We'll be launching The Hampstead Village Voice in September with a big bash at the Tabby Cat Lounge (formerly Maxwell's). It's going to be the party Hampstead will never forget so get ready kids! DS

Naughty! Naughty!

2007-05-26T15:18:00.000-07:00

BLIMEY! Aren't we a naughty Hampstead Village Voice! We've lifted the above from Private Eye without their permission in the hope that they will sue the pants off us before we're even up and running! Imagine all that publicity! Gosh aren't we naughty! Not as naughty as Her Majesty's Government which has commited a definite "No-No" by adding an ariel (That's right, a bleeding ariel!) to everyones new passports without telling us! Bastards! Yes, we all know about the biometric chip, but there was nothing in the press conference about a bleeding ariel! I recently received my new passport and it had a little piece of paper in it that waxed on about the bio-chip for a few lines and then to my horror it read, "Your new passport also has an ariel". Oh lucky me! On further inspection I noticed that it did indeed have an ariel which was connected to the bio-chip. Now they can track us all over the planet for not paying our ruddy council tax or parking fines! Ouch! We're tagged like prisoners on parole without even first having commited a crime. Guilty before proven innocent. Talk about Big Brother watching us. Room 101 here we come! The Lives Of Others? The Lives Of Us Lot more like it! Britain...England, whatever you call it! It's all over! The Soviets weren't this bloody controlling. Ah, what I wouldn't give for a few days in a Siberian Gulag! Or just to open some envelopes for the German Democratic Republik. Unlike the British Government, at least the commies were honest about being a bunch of control freak Stasi bastards! Georgie Orwell- You D'man! You saw it coming! DS

Ciao Bello!

2007-05-25T08:57:00.000-07:00

If you see this man do not approach him! His name is Mario and he's wanted for speaking Italian in a public place. A true Hampstead character if ever there was one, Mario runs the beautiful Villa Bianco restaurant in Perrins Court with much agility and skill and is as relieved as the rest of us that The Hampstead Village Voices computer hard disc has at last been mended! Ooh that was scary! Thought we'd lost the lot for a minute... Good job we at the HVV are so dilligent and back all (well, most) of our stuff up! So the hard disc's been replaced by The Mac Daddy of West Hampstead (that's abroad), after it died last week under the sheer weight of work on the magazine and pictures of sheep having sex. Incidentally, the Mac Daddy did such a good job that we at the Voice firmly recommend him for all you Mac needs! And for Gods sake, back your work up chaps and chapesses or you may lose it all, never mind the sheep!! DS.

Top Notch Crepes!

2007-05-18T04:19:00.000-07:00

Yes! A splendid day at the office! Closed a full page of advertising with a spendid chap called David who is about to launch a complex of offices in Kings Cross. So assuming all the other advertisers pay up on time, we'll be in clover with the printers and out on schedule. Not too sure about the American education our graphics consultant received but the wording "Launches September" (see above) is wholly unacceptable and I have informed him that unless this is swiftly changed into the English "Launches in September" the drinks will be on him at the Smells Tavern in Well Walk tonight. Bleedin' American in the Hampstead Village Voice? I think not! This is of course no reflection on the American people- it's just their cheap and nasty bastardisation of Mr. Shakespear's beautiful language I can't abide! What! What!

Digesting the nutrients...

2007-05-16T07:48:00.000-07:00

Ahhh. Wasn't Church Row prettier with no cars! Right that's it. We're outlawing the internal combustion engine! Horses and carts, bicycles and electric milk floats only from now on please. Oh yeah, and try walking: Ladies, it's the best way to shed some cellulite! The bowels of the Hampstead Village Voice are in motion. Having had an interesting meeting with Dr. Van D of Christchurch hill this afternoon. It's all very directorial, almost businesslike, what with pies being sliced and visions shared. The good news is he's an Arsenal fan and not American so he's in with a chance. Will be power-breakfasting with him and the Consiglieri tomorrow to discuss the invasion of Belsize Park. Today Hampstead, tomorrrow the world! Well, Belsize Park! I will be jetting off to Kenwood this evening to keep a beady eye on the Kenwood Concert committee meeting. May I suggest more Jazz and classical and less Ronan Keating will return the Kenwood Concerts to their former glory. Goddam, there's enough crap on TV. We don't need it on the Heath and it will shut all those complaing NIMBY arseholes up. Who's going to argue with Mozart or Ludwig Van? Just try it mate- I'll bight your bleedin' ear awf!
DS

Oh Boheme! Where art thou?

2007-05-15T04:25:00.000-07:00

I was meant to attend the 7am meeting of BNI (Business Network International) that takes place every Tuesday upstairs at Cafe Scrooge but guess what, I overslept! And a good thing too! What kind of embassador to the artistic bohemian ethic would I be if I didn't miss important capitalist business meetings that start at 7am? Seven in the morning? Are they mad? I rekon these guys only get up at this un-Godly hour to escape their wives and families! Being a bohemian Hampstead tart with no wife and kids, I don't have to. I can roll around in bed all day if I want to. And so I did. Well, untill 9am when I got up and started writing the transcript for our Emma Thompson interview. And very interesting it is too. Once ready, I'll email Emma and let her check them over for anything unsavoury or troublesome and then all being well she'll say- "okay my son, go to press!" Which would be nice, cos she's quite a scoop for a humble rag like ours. She's also a good example of a successful, local family business. Which we like! In the mean time, here's a nice picky of the Coffee Cup on Hampstead High Street where I will go and attempt a little cafe societe with an espresso later on: let's hope it's a little more lively than it is in the photo! See you there for some joie de vivre!

Toodle-pip!

DS