Saturday, 16 January 2016

FOREIGN SALES SOAR!


The Winter 2016 Edition

Not content with spreading the gospel of the Hampstonian People's Un-popular Front to the exotic lands of Belsize Parkistan, Golders Green Already, Whampers and Al Highquaida, the Hampstead Village Voice is now available in, of all places, St. John's Wood A.K.A. The Wood of Singeon: the news-stand outside St. John's Wood tube station and the legendary Peirera News at 35 St. John's Wood High Street, to be precise.
   Yes even the hearts and minds of The Wood are now to be conquered and the Hampstonian People's Un-popular Front will not rest until Big Brother's evil empire is quashed forever and Hampstonia can again be happy, joyous and free as it was during the Cold War. Oh, how we miss the cold war... You knew where you were back then. Duck and Cover and Mutually Assured Destruction all day long. Ay, them were't days!

Viva Hampstonia!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein.
Enemy of Big Brother.

Tuesday, 6 October 2015

AUTUMN EDITION OUT 15/10/2015.




We've managed to get edition 24 of the Hampstead Village Voice off to the printers. No small feat, I can tell you. The cover of the this autumn's edition features Hampsteadites, Jon Moss (Culture Club) and Robert Powell (actor of numerous roles, not least Jesus of Nasarath) protesting against the ridiculous and un-called for 'parkification' of the Vale of Health on Hampstead Heath: the result of a most dubious dam building project on three [alleged] 'reservoirs' and eight, very small, ornamental ponds. We've seriously ripped into those responsible ie. the Government (DEFRA), City of London Corporation, The High Courts, Camden Council and the Atkins/AECOM consortium in this edition. The truth will out and, as the old saying goes, let's publish and be DAMMED!

There's also mention of the City of London Corporation's (CityCorp) new attempt to commercialise the Heath, namely its new Open Spaces Bill. We're going to have to look into this because, according to the CityCorp's website, this will result in "residential, commercial and other use" of park-keepers' lodges, toilets and other existing Heath buildings. And we can't have that! It's The Heath not a park and if CityCorp can't be trusted to look after it properly, they'd better sod off and hand it over to someone who can. 

Meanwhile, having been a great help in raising awareness of the scandalous events surrounding the tenure of the dam project by civil engineering firm Atkins, our friends over at the Ham&High (as Jeremy Corbyn might put it) have now managed to cut our 6,000 strong petition to Tulip Siddiq MP and Elizabeth Truss in half. This they have achieved by mounting posters everywhere announcing only 3,000 Heath Lovers signed the petition. D'uH! So much for accurate reporting. If they had to get it so very wrong, couldn't they at least have printed 9,000?

Viva Hampstonia and Toodle Pip!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein
Editor-in-hot-pants.


Saturday, 15 August 2015

DAM-AGE LIMITATION: THE SAVE THE VALE OF HEALTH CAMPAIGN



The Vale of Health: muddy and that's how we like it. Its a Heath not a park.

Too little too late? Possibly. But all the earlier campaigns having been ignored by the authorities, to do nothing now would be worse than the City of London Corporation, Camden Council and a High Court Judge allowing themselves to be hoodwinked by Atkins/AECOM, the consortium that stands to benefit from the dams' construction. 
    According to sources, Atkins is on 15% of the total bill that has recently risen from £17m to £23m. Meanwhile, its strategic partner, AECOM, landed the job of 'independent' advisor to Camden Council landing itself £18k for a 37 page report. A tidy sum considering it misled the authorities, public and press into thinking it was 'independent'. How could it be independent if it formed a consortium with the dams' designers and sales people, Atkins, in 2012? A 'three year strategic partnership' is what it says on an Atkins press release. And the result, exactly 3 years later - a huge contract to destroy the Heath.
    It makes my blood boil that, of all things, Hampstead Heath has fallen pray to these vultures. Companies that have instilled fear of flooding from some fictional storm as a ruse in order to, as director of Atkins, Andrew Hughes, put it, 'put Atkins back into the first division of dam builders'.
   Can we save the Vale of Health and, by the way, deny Atkins and Bam Nutall (the contractors) any payment for a job that simply doesn't need to be done? Can we hold to account the incompetence of Camden Council which failed to properly vet its 'independent' advisors? And can we force action against AECOM for misleading 10 elected councillors into believing they were receiving impartial, independent advice?
   If Elizabeth Truss, the Environment Secretary and, for that matter, Tulip Siddiq MP, pull their fingers out and convince parliament to overrule this miscarraige of justice - both at High Court and Camden hearing level, maybe we can.

 
Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein,
Editor, Hampstead Village Voice.

Wednesday, 15 July 2015

SUMMER of CASH




Run for the hills everybody - the Blue Meanies have taken over Airstrip One and most of Hampstonia too... Nothing's sacred when it comes to power, greed and making loads'a'money in what feels like 1980s Tory Britain all over again. Even Thatcher didn't dig up the Heath. 
    The Labour Party's in tatters and Ultra-capitalism's firmly in control of the Old Stead. Oh woe is me... Where's Michael Foot when you need him?


ALL YOU NEED IS CASH

So what's Hampstead really about these days? 
Hampstead Heath? = £23M contract for dam builders, Atkins/Aecom.
Hampstead Homes? = £3M - £100M.
Hampstead's Saucepans? £499 at the new kitchen shop on the corner of Willoughby Road. No I'm not fucking joking. There's even a bread knife on sale there for £279.

It's all over for us mere paupers - even the criminals have nowhere to go: Hampstead Police Station? An empty shell of a building until someone comes up with £XBillion squid. It' millionaires only around here.

But at least there's the Hampstead Village Voice available while shops last for only £1 from Monday 20th of July 2015.

Hurrah! Viva Hampstonia, land of the increasingly less free!

Toodle Pip!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein x
Editor in debtor's prison.

Saturday, 7 February 2015

LIBERATION FOR USSR... AND BRENT!


Scamden Front, January, 2015. 

Hampstonian forces successfully invaded the USSR (Union of Soviet Scamden Republics) this week with a tactical 'hearts and minds' offensive entrenching the Hampstead Village Voice into various Scamdenite outlets. Our brave forces have also seized control of Highgate's Ministry of Propaganda AKA. Brooksby the Newsagents, 70 Highgate High St. which is believed to be, not in Scamden, but in Haringey - a nation where one can still park for free.
    In a sweeping and lethal pincer movement involving both General Simon 'The Space Correspondent' and Wing Commander Dave 'The Beard', Hampstonia's latest manoeuvre has struck love deep into enemy territory and the USSR can now consider itself 'liberated.'
    Golders Green too has been freed from ignorance as has Mill Lane in deepest Barnet... or is it Brent? Well, either way it's in the former Metropolitan Borough of Hampstead so go and buy a copy and show your defiance to Big Brother and his evil,  corrupt Airstrip One stooges.

Viva Hampstonia!


Emmanuel 'Mustafa' Goldstein.

Thursday, 8 January 2015

AM I CHARLIE? NOT REALLY...




The HVV doesn't mock religious prophets, just Tesco's profits.

When it comes to religion, the Hampstead Village Voice respects, rather than mocks or ridicules. The murders are unforgivable and as a fellow satirist I feel gutted for those who died and their families and the murderers, for that is what they are, must be found and brought to justice. 
    Yet freedom of speech ceases to be legitimate when one knowingly offends people's religions, races and cultures. Charlie H crossed that line. So, no. I'm not really "Charlie." 
    I respect all religions as I do a free press. But I wouldn't mock Islam, Judaism, Christianity or any other religion. It's just disrespectful. The Hampstead Village Voice saves its ridicule for Tesco's profits, not religious prophets. Viva Hampstonia! All You Need Is Love. 

Emmanuel 'Mustafa' Goldstein.


Friday, 28 November 2014

MINISTRY of SACRILEGE




Oh no! High Court Judge decides in favour of dams on the Heath. Is the Heath, to become a blasted building site for years? It's just un-fucking-thinkable! What fuck-wit of a judge would allow such a thing? Who are these utter cunts coming into Hampstead and fucking destroying it? Livid is too short a word. The world has gone mad. The last sacred thing left in Hampstead and they're going to fuck it up. I hope the ponds swallow up their fucking bulldozers and drown them! http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-30251356

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein.
Devistated.

Infamy, Infamy... They've All Got It In For Me!




We all need a little love. Even Traffic Wardens and editors of local satirical magazines. But, as Hymen Roth once said to Michael Corleone, "it's the business we're in."
   
I've experienced a spot of cut'n'thrust over the last 24 hours. Firstly, a Camden New Journalist was overly offended that I tweeted about his somewhat fantastic story claiming Arsenal could still come third in Group D, then some busy-body woman accosting me in Ellerdale Rd because I took a picture of some heavily trimmed trees, followed up by a string of rather rude and obnoxious emails from a fellow calling Hampstead Village Voice stories,'ignorant and unfounded,' yet refusing to say which stories.
    
Is it me or are the citizens of old Blighty getting a bit stressed out? Bitter and twisted, even? Please don't write in and say, 'it's you!' I might just have to run off to that hammock in the sun. 

If I don't, the next Hampstead Village Voice will be out on Thursday 15th of January 2015.

Toodle-Pip!

E. M. Goldstein.

Monday, 13 October 2014

Andrews of Hampstead Sold to...



The first cover of the Hampstead Village Voice featured Andrews of Hampstead


From its website and having spoken to a rather pleasant, American spokeswoman, the new owners of Andrews of Hampstead, Lords of Notting Hill, looks more of a homeware than hardware store. Not a bad thing in itself, but we can expect it to be a rather high end version of a John Lewis-cum-Robert Dyas.    

     
Lighting, vacuum cleaners and espresso machines rather than nails and screw drivers will be the order of the day. Yet there may be a DIY section with paint, locks and other twiddly bits if the website's anything to go by.


What's In A Name?

The bad news is, the company plans to call the shop, Lords of Notting Hill. Naturally Hampsteadites will not be too thrilled about that. 
   
Being Hampstead's answer to John Mcenroe, the words, "you cannot be serious!" were the first to leave my lips.
   
After all, this is Hampstead and calling a shop Such and Such of Somewhere Else is hardly paying tribute to what's left of the old Stead.
  
Although we, the people of the Unpopular People's Front of Hampstonia are an understanding lot, we'd still respectfully ask Lords of Notting Hill to reconsider this somewhat ill-placed name change. Why not just Lords or Lords Homeware or even Lords Formerly of Notting Hill But Now Very Much of Hampstead (Ed. A bit of a mouthful that last idea).
   
Regular readers of the Hampstead Village Voice will be aware that Hampstead's identity is being unceremoneously eroded by various outside factors - Scamden Council, Tesco-Stressco and various unruly developers to name but a few - and yes, we locals do feel quite strongly about this. It's a bit of a dramatic cultural leap from 'Andrews of Hampstead.'
   
We wish the new shop well. Notting Hill isn't a dirty word per sé but for locals, it is probably the wrong one for a Hampstead shop and will make Heath Street feel just that little bit less Hampstead. 
    
The reality is, the company is unlikely to change its brand name to suit little old Hampsers and so let's be thankful for small mercies. At least it won't be called Lords of Chelsea - now that would certainly have rubbed this traditionally Arsenal or Tottenham supporting area up the wrong way.

Viva Hampstonia, land of the not so free!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein
Editor in hot-pants.

Thursday, 17 July 2014

Restructuring of the Hampstead Village Voice



Mr. & Mrs. Patel of Fleet News

Dearest Hampstonian,
   You may have noticed the Hampstead Village Voice has been conspicuous by its absence this summer. This is in some small part down to the imminent restructuring of the magazine to become bigger, better, cheaper and more available to all, in the somewhat distant future.
   Naturally, various principles will have to be compromised in this ghastly restructuring, including the back page being sold to Tesco-Stressco for £1m an issue and lots of praise being heaped upon Scamden Council, the British Government, ghastly property developers, estate agents and the Corporation of London. The encouragement of lots and lots of generic supermarkets, mobile phone shops and leaf blowers too, especially on the Heath, will also come in handy -Ed. Don't forget, louder evermore screechy ambulance sirens!
   
Indeed, the Hampstead Village Voice will not rest until Pat of Polly's in South End Road is wearing a Sainsbury's uniform and the Patel's of Fleet Road (pic. above) are asking you if you have a Tesco Club Card.

10,000 copies!

But seriously folks, once the restructuring is complete, some 10,000 copies of Edition 21 ought to be out by late Autumn. Oh, alright then, Winter! Yes, 10,000 is to be our new circulation (Ed. He's actually serious), so be afraid Stressco, Painsbury, Scamden, Thieving Mobile, Über-developers and basement junkies et al, Be very afraid! -Ed. Don't forget the Himm&Heil!

In the meantime you can still purchase edition 20 of the Hampstead Village Voice from the lovely Mr & Mrs Patel of Fleet Road or any other half-proper Hampstead newsagent, Thornton's Budgens and Waterstones.

Love, peace and serene walks on the heath,

Emmanuel "Mustafa" Goldstein III

Friday, 27 June 2014

SAINSBURY'S: A THREAT TO SOUTH END'S GREEN & PLEASANT LAND?



Pat outside Polly's, which is under threat from Sainsbury's

According to a pretty damned reliable source, Sainsbury's is to threaten South End Green's Polly's, Belsize Stationers and Sweet Pea with closure.
   This is truly shocking news. Polly's has been a favourite with locals for years and an integral part of the community.
   I would like to think Polly's regulars like Hunter Davies and Bill Oddie will fight tooth and nail to stave off the supermarket giant.



Unforgivably Agressive

For Sainsbury's to convert up to four local shops into a generic, orange supermarket directly next to the existing provisions store, London (formerly Londis), would be an unforgivably aggressive move and completely out of place in this conservation area.
    It would be completely inappropriate for such a chain store to open on the corner of Keats' Grove with Hampstead Heath directly in front of it and Keats' House just around the corner.    
   Again, this is a conservation area and the thought of bloody great trucks parking up there every day is quite unthinkable. John Keats and George Orwell would roll in their graves if the peeping sound of self check-outs and the grumbling of HGV's took over from that of the robin red-breasts and magpies currently poncing about around the area.
    The Hampstead Village Voice would certainly feel the need to encourage a boycott of Sainsbury's were it to actually move in and threaten the livelihoods of various local shopkeepers, not to mention the unique local atmosphere Hampstead's glorious satellite of Saff End Green has enjoyed for years.
   One might have expected this sort of locally insensitive move from either Tesco or Starbucks (which opened directly next door to the Hampstead Tea Rooms in 2009ish) - but not from dear old Sainsbury's.
     The supermarket chain has had plenty of chances to open in Hampstead over the years: 
Kingswell (now Wagamama), the former Hampstead Classic or Express Dairy were all options and Sainsbury's missed out. With an M&S, Al's green grocer's, London (AKA Londis) and several other small shops already in Saff End Green, this would be an act of war against the community.
    If this goes ahead, Sainsburys can certainly consider itself at war with the Hampstead Village Voice and, make no mistake, we will fight them on the beaches and take no prisoners. 
    This would be an act of corporate terrorism upon Hampstead's community worse even than the opening of Stressco. So, please, for your own sake, find a more appropriate venue, Mr. Sainsbury - or we will have to fight you and use Luis Suarez's gnashers if needs be.

Viva Hampstonia! Down with Big Brother! Etcetera... Etcetera...


Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein x
Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein. 27.06.2014

Friday, 25 April 2014

They're Squatting The Cop Shop....




Typical Hampstead Studio Flat only £1500 per month inc Loo. 

I recently received an email from someone, who shall remain nameless, scare-mongering about Hampstead Police Station being squatted and how "residents are worrying about a rise in crime".
    

Firstly, were the police station still a police station this wouldn't have happened. If you ask me, it was criminal of the MET/MOPAC to close it down.
Secondly, these squatters are clearly not criminals - they are merely a bit homeless and anyone fearing a rise in crime is probably reading too much into Daily Mail fear-mongering. Having seen the picture in the Ham & High, they look like a pretty innocent bunch to me.

Until recently, squatting was not a criminal offence and to my mind - whilst properties stand empty for months and months - I say good luck to anyone who needs a temporary roof over their head in a climate where a poxy studio flat costs a ridiculous £1,300 p/m or more
    

Maybe MOPAC ought to have kicked a little arse rather than let the building stand empty for so long to 'realise the full potential of their assets'. They are the police, not property developers and have been caught with their pants down. 

Moreover, was there more affordable housing in Hampstead (and London in general) - as there was in the 60s, 70s and early 80s, those on low incomes wouldn't have to resort to squatting. But Camden's sold off much of its council housing so where are people meant to sleep?

The manner in which Hampstead's buildings have become pawns on a property developers' Monopoly board (and that includes MOPAC or any other property owner who leaves a building standing empty for months) combined with Britain's dismantling of its public infrastructure (ie. police stations/nurses homes/housing etc) will result in more of this sort of thing happening. It's inevitable. We've entered another Thatcher era.

There is a solution - Government needs to take responsibility for the current polarisation between rich and poor. Rising house prices might be good for owners, but for those on low incomes it means ridiculously unattainable rents, never mind getting a mortgage. Don't be surprised that those on low or no wages take action if the Government does not up its game.

Raising people's wages and/or lowering rents to an attainable level is the only way to prevent this sort of 'alternative action'. It's a national problem and whilst 10% of the population owns 90% of the wealth - or whatever it is (1% owns 99%?), this ain't going away. But again, as far as I can see, these squatters aren't even vaguely criminals.

Toodle Pip and Viva Hampstonia, Land of the not so free!



E.M. Goldylocks

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein III.

Thursday, 20 February 2014

International Hampster... Berlin, Tokyo, New York.


Made in Berlin: Hampstead Village Voice stickers.

For someone who edits the world's smallest and most localist of magazine's, I have to admit to being something of an Ausländer.  As I write, I am watching Berlin go to work from the window of Café Manolo on the corner of Danziger Strasse and Schönhauserallee.
    Yet more exotically, I've been commissioned by the Japanese magazine, Mr. Partner, to write a series of articles on the theme: Why My Village Is Worth Fighting For.
    A small delegation of Japanese came over to Hampstead recently to interview me and we spent a very pleasant afternoon at La Gaffe. It turns out the they are very big on localism and rate the Hampstead Village Voice's Asterix and Obelix-like stance on fighting off 'The Romans'.
   It's peculiar how the Hampstead Village Voice seems to be getting so much attention in New York (recent New York Times article) and Tokyo, yet on this side of the planet it's gone right over the heads of all the Fleet Street hacks in Airstrip One's Ministry of Truth. A good thing too!

Edition 20 of the Hampstead Village Voice is currently at the printer's and will be winging (Ed.whinging?) its way to Waterstones, Village News anyone else who'll have it by the 3rd of March 2014.

Toodle Pip and Viva Hampstonia, Japan!

Emmanuel 'Mustafa' Goldstein,
Emmanuel 'Mustafa' Goldstein.


Wednesday, 18 December 2013

Hampsdead?



Remorse & Gloom RIP.

I hate to be the voice of Doom & Gloom just before Christmas yet, with the pub of the same name being converted into another well needed estate agent's office; the Creperie de Hampstead opening only on weekends; Ye Olde White Bear - yes, I still defiantly call it that - potentially turning into a millionaire's pied de terre; The Vortex de Rosslyn Arms being left to rot indefinitely and Hampstead police station being very, very closed indeed, I think it's safe to say, Hampstead's having a rather shitty Crimbo this year.
    Yes, the Doom & Gloom hasn't been the Doom & Gloom, or even the Remorse & Gloom for some time but, whilst a public venue, there was at least a semblance of hope. Now, with it definitely turning into an estate agent's office, all hope for it - and I dare say Hampstead - is dashed.
    Having just published my first book, Hampstead Faces, Volume I, it would be a pity for my next to be titled something like Hampstead, Death of a London Village. Yet if Her Majesty's Government, Corporation of London, Scamden, Tesco and the Ministry of Cube Building have anything to do with it - that book may well yet find its way onto the shelves of Waterstones one day soon.

A Merry Christmas to you all,

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein,
Editor under a Hampstead Pond.

Friday, 6 December 2013

We Love Mr. Louis!



This is where to get the best mince pies in the world.

Thank you so much, Mr. Louis, for a beautiful tea and the best mince pies in the world this afternoon. It was both a pleasure and an honour to have tea with you today.
    I'm going to make a point of frequenting your lovely patisserie and one of the last bastions of tranquility and civilisation in Hampstead on a regular basis, henceforth. We Love Louis!!!!! Go to Louis!!! Viva Louis!!!

See you all there,

Emmanuel 'Mustafa' Goldstein.
Editor at Louis.

Thursday, 5 December 2013

Down and Out In The Soviet Gulag...



Nelson Mandela R.I.P.

I am writing this the morning after Nelson Mandela died, which makes the Hampstead Faces gathering at West End Lane Books last night seem like rather an insignificant event. 
   The truth be known, it felt somewhat insignificant even though the dozen or so who'd braved the cold were, apparently, oblivious to the passing of a Twentieth Century icon. I certainly was.
   Quite possibly the small attendance was down to Mr. Mandela leaving his 'earth suit' aged 95 that evening, the cold weather or a combination of the two. Historic occasions, expected or not, will keep people planted in front of the telly on cold nights. 
    But I reckon the relatively poor showing might also have been down to what is, with liitle doubt, the huge cultural divide between Hampstead and West Hampstead. That is, that very few West Hampsteadites give a shit about Hampstead. Indeed someone suggested that we were in 'enemy territory'. It was, at least, very much an away fixture. A bit like Burnley v Arsenal on a cold winter's night.
   After all, there must have been nearly two hundred people at Waterstones for the book's launch in Hampstead two months ago. Tonight there were only around twelve, one of whom was clearly a suffering alcoholic with horribly filthy finger-nails who came in off the street and kept spilling his beer all over the shop's Parquet floor. 
   After I'd read the passage about Bronco from the book, this fellow felt at liberty to share with us all, at length, a tearful sob story about one of his old West Hampstead drinking buddies. 
   Remarkably, we all stood there listening to him for a full five minutes as the tears welled up in his eyes. To be fair to him, although I loathe the sight of a drunk old git hi-jacking my book reading, at least he made some sort of effort and seemed to inspire a couple of others to share their Bronco stories.    
   Realising this was not to be a best-selling day for Hampstead Faces - as almost everyone who'd made the trip from Hampstonia already had at least one copy - I resorted to picking up my guitar and singing George Harrison's For You Blue. 
   Fortunately this went down rather well, although, after the first verse,  three interlopers - obviously grimy, professional book-launch red wine free-loaders - left without so much as a by-your-leave.       
   Almost immediately, a large, lonely looking woman in a big stripy jumper entered the shop, put down her bags and helped herself to a glass of wine: it was almost as though free-loaders in West Hampstead have some sort of shift-rota in operation. And there in lies the cultural divide between Hampstead and The Soviet Gulag. 


Hampstead doesn't sell around here. 

Not one copy of my book was sold... Not one! A woman did come up to me to announce, 'Great, I've done my entire Christmas shopping here tonight, isn't it marvellous -  I've bought five books'. Unfortunately, not one of them was a copy of Hampstead Faces. At least West End Lane Books made a few bob. The staff there are all so nice and deserved something out of the evening.
   I must admit to feeling somewhat down and out in the Soviet Gulag of Whampers, yet quite relieved not to have wasted too much money on mince pies. I'd considered getting them from Louis but had, instead, shrewdly opted for Sainsbury's Basics on the grounds that they weren't too crumbly. And at £2.50 for 18 mince pies I felt delightfully Scrooge-like. The Soviets weren't complaining.
   I doubt though, even if the mince pies had been from Louis, I'd have sold any books. So, with a West Hampstead estate agent supplying the wine - there was even champagne, the Village Voice only ended up about £15 poorer on the night. 
   A small price to pay compared to the 27 years spent in an apartheid prison, the ultimate sacrifice made by Mr. Nelson Mandela who, although he probably never had the pleasure of a Louis mince pie, fought valiantly against a most hideous of evils and won: a most worthwhile innings, sir. The world is indebted to you.
  
Toodle Pip!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein
Editor in Exile.




Hampstead Village Voice Crimbo Party



Danny of West End Lane Books sporting a copy of Hampstead Faces.


Yeah, alright... It's a conspiracy. We want to sell some books and magazines and are using Christmas in order to lull you all down to West End Lane Books in order to buy signed copies. Not only are we the evil capitalist conspirators consistently criticised (Ed. now that's what I call alliteration) in the Hampstead Village Voice, but also the most horrid of hypocrites for doing so... But now having come out honestly about it, although still evil, capitalist hypocrites, we are at least honest, evil capitalist hypocrites. 


Capitalist, Us? Never! Signed copies of Hampstead Faces Volume I will make the perfect Hampstead Christmas gift priced £12.99... er, Comrades.


See you at West End Lane Books tonight at 7.30pm for tea, wine, beer, mince pies and seasonal banter. 

Toodle Pip and Merry 5th of December, not even vaguely Christmas.

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein x
Editor in Exile in the Soviet Gulag of Whampers.

Wednesday, 6 November 2013

SUB-MISSIVE HAMPSTEAD


WE CAN SMELL IT ALREADY...
McCRACKDONALD'S TO GIVE WAY TO SUB-STANDARD SANDWICH?


It isn't even open and we can smell it already. The above, somewhat misleading poster might have builders wandering aimlessly around Hampstead for days.


by Emmanuel 'Mustafa' Goldstein.

It would appear McCrackDonald's regular advertisement on a redundant Hampstead telephone box has been superseded by one for the even smellier fast-food outlet, Subway. 
    Unless, as the wholly inaccurate arrow pictured above suggests, Subway intends to move into Gap Kids or Barclays Bank, it is an obvious clue as to the identity of the new tenants of Ronald McDonald's 'Crack House'.
   According to the Hampstead Village Voice’s High Street Spy, the venue, which previously played host to both Pizzaland and Europa Foods, has always been home to somewhat smelly and down-market establishments. So it appears that 'why change the habit of a lifetime' is the motto of the landlords at 46 Hampstead High Street.
   A spokesman for the Metropolitan Borough of Hampstead admitted, “It would probably have been better off staying as a McDonald’s. Whenever one goes into or near a Subway anywhere in the world it smells ghastly… quite repulsive. What on earth do they put in their food?”
   William Ill’s across the road now have Subway at 1/100 to take over, so if you want a Big Crack and Flies you’d better hurry on over to Ronnie’s now. 

I never thought I'd say this, but We'll almost miss McCrackDonalds.

Emmanuel 'Mustafa' Goldstein is the author of the new book Hampstead Faces, Volume 1, available at all Hampstead book shops now. http://www.hampstonian.co.uk/page_2981086.html


Friday, 18 October 2013

Happy Hampstead Faces...


Pic: Gordon Rondelle Hawtin
A Happy Hampstead Face.

That's what we like to see. A 'appy 'ampstead face coming out of Waterstones with his copy of the Hampstead Village Voice. For even with estate agents, developers, builders, leaf blowers and ambulance sirens doing their worst to ruin the serenity of our old homestead, Hampstead is still a wondrous and happy place to be.
   This splendid photo was taken by Gordon 'Rondelle' Hawtin who, whilst at the launch of my book Hampstead Faces Volume I, recently shared with me his frustration at nearly having snapped the best photo ever but... 'then a load of people suddenly turned up at the crucial moment.' I know the feeling only too well but think it's a lovely photo.
   And, by the way, what a launch it was. Thanks all who made it such a great night and thanks too to all those who couldn't make it but wrote in with kind, enthusiastic words including that magic phrase: "but I did go and buy the book!"
   
Incidentally, there's a very nice story by Richard Olsely in the current Camden New Journal about the book and yours truly in general. If you're a New York Times reader stuck in some swish bar uptown and can't get a hard copy of the CNJ, think "Camden Town" and click here: CNJ Review of Hampstead Faces Volume 1.

All the best and Toodle-Pip!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein x,
Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein.
Enemy of Big Brother until he pays me enough...

Thursday, 3 October 2013

Liam Gallagher 10/1, Jonathan Ross 12/1, Bronco 1000000/1



The back page of Hampstead Faces Volume 1.


The first, limited edition of the new book's ready for publication and will be in Hampstead bookshops and a few selected newsagents from the 15th of October 2014. 
   Red wine, lemonade and onion bhaji's are a strong possibility if you attend the launch on Tuesday the 15th of October 2013. But get there before 7.15pm or you might be left with a medium sized cappuccino from Waterstones' new café.
   Unsurprisingly, there are some rather well known Hampsteadites who feature in the book so William Hill are taking bets on a H-list celebrity turn out:

Jon Moss 1/2, Giles Coren, Tony Parsons and Henry Kelly Evens, Lisa Stansfield and Nicky Horne 2/1, David Baddiel 3/1, John Alderton 7/2, Boy George 11/2, Liam Gallagher 10/1, Jonathan Ross 12/1, Robert Powell 15/1, Patrick Vieira 25/1, Cesc Fabregas 50/1, Stevie Wonder 500/1, Bronco and Peter Cook returning from the dead to make a last minute surprise visit and commentate 1000000/1. All bets will naturally be placed by Rainbow George who himself comes in at 3/1.
   
See you there and Toodle Pip!

E.M. Goldstein x
Emmanuel "Mustafa" Goldstein
Enemy of Big Brother.
PS. Consider your Christmas shopping done for a mere £12.99 folks!

Wednesday, 7 August 2013

Hampstead Faces, nearly finished...



Just a some dotting of i's and crossing of t's to do and then my new book, Hampstead Faces will be off to the printers in September.
    It'll probably look like it wrote itself once it's on the shelves of Waterstones on the 15th of October but like all good things it took a fair bit off effort.
    There's plenty of gratuitous name dropping in it (well, you gotta sell a few copies, in't ya) and some rather amusing personal stories and anecdotes about Hampstonian yokels great and small. Oh, and lot's of rather lovely pictures too.
    The gist of the book? I took loads of photo's of Hampsteadites then wrote about them. A simple enough idea but rather effective, I'm sure you'll agree.

Toodle-Pip!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein x
Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein
Enemy of Big Brother (when it suits him).

Friday, 24 May 2013

Well earned Berlin Sabbatical



Having written much of, edited all and distributed edition 18 of the Hampstead Village Voice I find myself over-worked, over-caffeinated and over here in Berlin where I shall now relax for a week and spend a little time with my dear old mum.
    As I write, the birds are tweeting happily outside and I shall shortly go for a stroll around Berlin's version of The Vale of Health, namely Hertha See where there are no nudists but a couple of very pleasant looking swans.
    Thanks to Richard Osley of the Camden New Journal for his fine words about the Hampstead Village Voice and the disarming interview we had with Giles "Chopper" Coren, who is currently mourning the demotion of his beloved Queens Park Rangers F.C.

Do give it a butcher's...

http://richardosley.wordpress.com/2013/05/23/giles-coren-the-village-voice-and-the-price-of-journalism/

Walkies!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein
Editor in Exile.

Tuesday, 7 May 2013

What's in Edition 18?



WHSMITH at the Royal Free Hospital now sells the 
Hampstead Village Voice.


Dearest Hampsters,

As well as the usual outlets, edition 18 will also be available at WHSMITH at the Royal Free Hospital from Wednesday the 15th of May 2013. So now even illness and injury can be a joyous experience. Indeed, I was in there to check my eye-sight recently which is probably why the above picture ended up out of focus.


What's in edition 18?

There'll be an extra 4 pages in this edition to accommodate a rather dramatic and entertaining five-page interview with Giles Coren, guaranteed to rock your boat and annoy various individuals including his sister, various estate agents, the Polish Foreign Minister and Chelsea fans (Ed. What a combination).

Both Scamden's Planning and Press departments get a right roasting for being the complete incompetents they are in the stories Scamdengate and Pravda and the über-development of what was once a quiet, peaceful Hampstonia is covered at length, including the story by Hampstead Harridan of a retired couple about to enjoy the delights of living in a building site on Templewood Avenue.

We have a stern look at how Transport for London has managed to extort over £100 million from the public: the biggest scam in the history of London's public transport, not least because no one seems to have noticed it.

Oh, and the new Hampstead to West Hampstead bus link, including the controversial new terminus in Well Walk, is unveiled in all its glory on pages one and eleven.

And, as usual, the High Street Spy, Klaus von Kunst, Fox News and Hampstonianism will be at your disposal.

Can I go now?

Toodle Pip!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein
Enemy of Big Brother








Tuesday, 30 April 2013

Edition 18 in shops from 15th of May 2013.




Conrad Schumann jumps over the Finchley Road Wall and escapes to Hampstonia and freedom! 


Calling all Hampsters!

I'm pleased to report, Edition 18 of the Hampstead Village Voice is almost ready and will be in the shops from the 15th of May 2013.

Here's a little taster....

On the Soviet Gulag of West Hampstead

"...For here the Victory Gin doth flow most freely; the proles mill about aimlessly between the Overground, Underground and Thameslink and my East German neighbour, Comrade Hauptmann Gerd Wiesler has already reported me to the authorities for watching television after 7pm and opening the bedroom window after midnight on hot nights. 
     According to Comrade Wiesler, such ordinary Hampstonian activities are considered Noise-Crime in West Hampstead. I kid you not my fellow Hampstonian, the Stasi are on to you as soon as you cross that dreaded Finchley Road Wall.
    So grim is a life in the Soviet Gulag that alcoholism, drug use, suicide and tax evasion are as rife as psychatric help is scarce. And so I will make haste in returning to Hampstonia as soon as I can smuggle myself into the boot of someone's Mercedes Benz. For the Lives of Others is not for me: it’s for others...."


Your very own,

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein,
Enemy of Big Brother.