Saturday, 26 May 2007

Naughty! Naughty!

BLIMEY! Aren't we a naughty Hampstead Village Voice! We've lifted the above from Private Eye without their permission in the hope that they will sue the pants off us before we're even up and running! Imagine all that publicity! Gosh aren't we naughty! Not as naughty as Her Majesty's Government which has commited a definite "No-No" by adding an ariel (That's right, a bleeding ariel!) to everyones new passports without telling us! Bastards! Yes, we all know about the biometric chip, but there was nothing in the press conference about a bleeding ariel! I recently received my new passport and it had a little piece of paper in it that waxed on about the bio-chip for a few lines and then to my horror it read, "Your new passport also has an ariel". Oh lucky me! On further inspection I noticed that it did indeed have an ariel which was connected to the bio-chip. Now they can track us all over the planet for not paying our ruddy council tax or parking fines! Ouch! We're tagged like prisoners on parole without even first having commited a crime. Guilty before proven innocent. Talk about Big Brother watching us. Room 101 here we come! The Lives Of Others? The Lives Of Us Lot more like it! Britain...England, whatever you call it! It's all over! The Soviets weren't this bloody controlling. Ah, what I wouldn't give for a few days in a Siberian Gulag! Or just to open some envelopes for the German Democratic Republik. Unlike the British Government, at least the commies were honest about being a bunch of control freak Stasi bastards! Georgie Orwell- You D'man! You saw it coming! DS

Friday, 25 May 2007

Ciao Bello!



If you see this man do not approach him! His name is Mario and he's wanted for speaking Italian in a public place. A true Hampstead character if ever there was one, Mario runs the beautiful Villa Bianco restaurant in Perrins Court with much agility and skill and is as relieved as the rest of us that The Hampstead Village Voices computer hard disc has at last been mended! Ooh that was scary! Thought we'd lost the lot for a minute... Good job we at the HVV are so dilligent and back all (well, most) of our stuff up! So the hard disc's been replaced by The Mac Daddy of West Hampstead (that's abroad), after it died last week under the sheer weight of work on the magazine and pictures of sheep having sex. Incidentally, the Mac Daddy did such a good job that we at the Voice firmly recommend him for all you Mac needs! And for Gods sake, back your work up chaps and chapesses or you may lose it all, never mind the sheep!! DS.

Friday, 18 May 2007

Top Notch Crepes!


Yes! A splendid day at the office! Closed a full page of advertising with a spendid chap called David who is about to launch a complex of offices in Kings Cross. So assuming all the other advertisers pay up on time, we'll be in clover with the printers and out on schedule. Not too sure about the American education our graphics consultant received but the wording "Launches September" (see above) is wholly unacceptable and I have informed him that unless this is swiftly changed into the English "Launches in September" the drinks will be on him at the Smells Tavern in Well Walk tonight. Bleedin' American in the Hampstead Village Voice? I think not! This is of course no reflection on the American people- it's just their cheap and nasty bastardisation of Mr. Shakespear's beautiful language I can't abide! What! What!

Wednesday, 16 May 2007

Digesting the nutrients...


Ahhh. Wasn't Church Row prettier with no cars! Right that's it. We're outlawing the internal combustion engine! Horses and carts, bicycles and electric milk floats only from now on please. Oh yeah, and try walking: Ladies, it's the best way to shed some cellulite! The bowels of the Hampstead Village Voice are in motion. Having had an interesting meeting with Dr. Van D of Christchurch hill this afternoon. It's all very directorial, almost businesslike, what with pies being sliced and visions shared. The good news is he's an Arsenal fan and not American so he's in with a chance. Will be power-breakfasting with him and the Consiglieri tomorrow to discuss the invasion of Belsize Park. Today Hampstead, tomorrrow the world! Well, Belsize Park! I will be jetting off to Kenwood this evening to keep a beady eye on the Kenwood Concert committee meeting. May I suggest more Jazz and classical and less Ronan Keating will return the Kenwood Concerts to their former glory. Goddam, there's enough crap on TV. We don't need it on the Heath and it will shut all those complaing NIMBY arseholes up. Who's going to argue with Mozart or Ludwig Van? Just try it mate- I'll bight your bleedin' ear awf!
DS

Tuesday, 15 May 2007

Oh Boheme! Where art thou?


I was meant to attend the 7am meeting of BNI (Business Network International) that takes place every Tuesday upstairs at Cafe Scrooge but guess what, I overslept! And a good thing too! What kind of embassador to the artistic bohemian ethic would I be if I didn't miss important capitalist business meetings that start at 7am? Seven in the morning? Are they mad? I rekon these guys only get up at this un-Godly hour to escape their wives and families! Being a bohemian Hampstead tart with no wife and kids, I don't have to. I can roll around in bed all day if I want to. And so I did. Well, untill 9am when I got up and started writing the transcript for our Emma Thompson interview. And very interesting it is too. Once ready, I'll email Emma and let her check them over for anything unsavoury or troublesome and then all being well she'll say- "okay my son, go to press!" Which would be nice, cos she's quite a scoop for a humble rag like ours. She's also a good example of a successful, local family business. Which we like! In the mean time, here's a nice picky of the Coffee Cup on Hampstead High Street where I will go and attempt a little cafe societe with an espresso later on: let's hope it's a little more lively than it is in the photo! See you there for some joie de vivre!

Toodle-pip!

DS

Monday, 14 May 2007

Hampstead Massage...


At last! A proper massage parlour on Hampstead High Street! Much too busy to tell you about it right now! So here, driven to despair by Gordon Browns new pension proposals (or lack of them), is one of our Page Three Pensioners supplementing her increasingly small pension with a little modelling work on the side!

Toodle-pip

DS

Friday, 11 May 2007

Deeper and deeper...


Now we've got Blair out of the way (pictured practicing for some well earned intimate downtime with George Bush) we can look forward to Hampstead slipping further into the abyss. The magazine's starting to take shape. Pending editorial coups you'll have the following regular features to contend with: Where Eggshells Dare Not Tread; The High Street Spy; 'Appy 'Ampstead; Hampstead Faces; Uncle Monty-Agony Uncle; Angry Of Hampstead; Hampstead Brothel; Pravda and Heathen will all entertain and repulse in equal measure. Then there's an exclusive interview with Emma Thompson about Hampstead and all her favourite and least favourite stuff. There'll be a lorra stuff about Camden (aka. Union of Socialist Soviet Camden Republics) and how they love red tape and Storm-trooping. Plus, having attended the Hampstead Town Safer Neighbourhood Team meeting yesterday I am pleased to inform you all that the Sgt. in command is none other than Sgt. Stephen Pepper! That's right. Sgt. Pepper's in control of our local crime unit! How good is that! You couldn't make it up!

Right. Better go and do some work...

DS

Thursday, 10 May 2007

And on we go...


Well, the board (Bored) meeting went swimmingly, but now it's back to business! The Co. Secretary wanted to compartmentalize everything and our "roving editor" couldn't wait to get out of the board room (Toast, which was full of screaming kids) for a pint.

Chipping away with in design, selling advertising space to pay for printing, hustling for cartoonists and writers/contributers is a full time job. Oh, and I've still got to sort out all that businessy stuff! Hate that! Cashflow forecasts, banking, accountants...Yawn! Much rather be writing and shaping the layout of The Hampstead Village Voice (HVV).

So off I go to hustle a lettings agent (slightly better than estate agent from an anarchists point of view- if anarchists need a point of view) to buy some advertising.

Oh and going to have a look at going on Holiday- All these people who start their own business and don't have a holiday for three years are heros- but not moi! Give me a beach and a good book any day!

DS

Wednesday, 9 May 2007

The Snobstead Village Voice.

Still chipping away at the old block!

We've formed Hampstead Village Voice Limited and today's our first ever board meeting.

Present:

Marcel Fiegel. He doesn't know it yet but I'm going to suggest he becomes "Editor in Chief who cannot overule IL Presidente!" (That's me).

Sandy Markwick: Co. Secretary. Going to chuck him a couple of shares and make him take care of accounts and all that stuff if he's up for it.

Don Sebastiano, aka Emmanual "Mustafa" Goldstein aka IL PRESIDENTE AND EL SUPREMO Uber Editor in Chief and tea person.

It's going to be quite a ride. See www.hampsteadvillagevoice.com for more....but not much more....

EMG