Selling Like Hot Turds!

Yes! Edition two is at the printers and may even be at your newsagents early! Official release date is the 1st of December but don't be surprised if you see it there by the last week of November. Hoorah! And for goodness sake don't miss the CHRIMBO PARTY at The Tabby Cat (a.k.a. Flabby Twat) Lounge on TUES 11th of DECEMBER 2007 from 6pm. Bring your Hampstead Village Voice for a free drinkie before 7pm. See you there!

Incidentally someone with the dubious name of 'Liits' commented on this blog recently, "I must be selling like hot turds or else, why would a whole pile have been deposited in my local? Remainded possibly? I think we should be told!" Well, Liits, we're not really that bothered how well YOU are selling. As for the Hampstead Village Voice, it sold way beyond our expectations. If you really want to know how many we've sold, go and ask all the Hampstead newsagents who'll be happy to tell you! To answer your other 'question', it is the policy of this magazine to sell as many as possible for a month or so and then distribute the remainder freely. As well as keeping our advertisers happy, it means the Meek don't have to pay if they're prepared to wait for free distribution (which, quite frankly, is the Meek's only duty!). It's also good promotion for the mag. Answer your questions? Toodle-Pip!

Core blimey! Things seem to have gone swimmingly for us so far. Top notch launch at The Tabby Cat Lounge, Sales galore at all your favourite Hampstead news agents and now it's back to the grind to get issue two out for December 1st! Of course we'll be throwing another party at the Flabby Twat! Which raises the point- are we swearing too much? Some old geezers aren't pleased with our loose use of the English lingo! Gawd Blimey (is that alright?), Arsefcuks isn't a swear word is it? After all FCUK is a bog standard corporate image. And surely the word 'arse' doesn't offend?
Well, can't be hanging around... The bumper Winter issue with an extra 8 pages won't write itself! Toodle pip! Mustafa PS. You can see or buy images of Hampstead like the one of the Flask (above) from the 6th of November to Dec 1st at Rainbird Fine Art 114 Clerkenwell Road, London, EC1M. Hours: Tue - Fri 11.30 -6.00. Sat. 12.00 – 4.00. Sun/Mon by appt. T: + 44 (0)20 7608 3333 E: info@rainbirdfineart.com W: www.rainbirdfineart.com Tube: Farringdon (which is abroad!)

IT'S A HIT!!!!

Yes! It's selling like hot-cakes! Early indications show a land-slide victory for The Hampstead Village Voice! Old ladies have been complaining about our "WELL WALK BROTHEL SHOKKA" billboards outside Hampstead's newsagents. Apparently even more people have been asking for the exact address of the alledged bordello!!! Others have been complaining about the £2 squid price tag of Hampstead's best and only satirical magazine. And we say, if they don't like it, they can go and spend £3.20 on a skinny latte with an extra shot of espresso at Arsefcuks and read that!!!! Tossers! The Hampstead Village Voice is now in all good Hampstead newsagents! Yes siree Bob! So what are you waiting for? Dash out and get your copy now! See yaw'll at the launch!

GO FOR LAUNCH!!!

HOUSTON- WE ARE GO FOR LAUNCH! Yesiree Bob...the Pdf's are at the printers and the Hampstead Village Voice, once a dream soon to be reality, is on it's way! All being well this beast of a mag will be available at your Hampstead newsagent on SATURDAY SEPTEMBER 1st! So up you get, bright and early, and get yourself a Wagon Wheel, a Curley Wurley, some Fruit Salad's, Black Jack's, Bazooka Joe's and a copy of the Hampstead Village Voice! Who needs The Beano or Dandy when the Voice is in town? Eat you're heart out Dennis The Menace cos The High Street Spy's going to piss on everyone's parade! See yaw'll at the launch party on Thurs 6th Sept 2007 @ The Tabby Cat Lounge (formerly Maxwell's), Heath Street, Snotstead. 6pm onwards. Toodle-Pip! Lord Snottington of Snotstead.

Lovely Weather We're Having!

The launch of the Hampstead Village Voice is on September the 6th 2007 at the Tabby Cat Lounge (formerly Maxwell's). Be there between 6-8pm with a copy of the Hampstead Village Voice and recieve a drink on the house! Result! Incidentally, above is The New End Mini Market (formerly Carnegie Stores) where one can buy an avacado for 49p. And the best news of all is that every time I've purchased one it's ripe, fresh and ready to go unlike Stressco, where the Av's always seem to be as hard as rock and a lot more expensive! You may also notice a certain Michael Wooderson (aka. Woody) sitting outside. It would appear he has finally passed the reigns of The Duke Of Hamilton and retired t'ut country. The end of an era if ever there was one.Toodle Pip Old Bean! DS

GOD BLESS HIGH STREET HAMPMERICA!

Pikky of Hampstead Heath in eighteen hundred and something. We reckon it's that bit up from the Aqueduct (aka. Red Arches) up towards Ye Old Nobbly Hollow Tree. Anyway, it's all go at the Hampstead Village Voice which is rapidly resembling an episode of Lou Grant. Will be running the whole thing by our team of dislexic editorial experts so that shpelling mistaeks and grammatical errors are kept to a minimum like, innit. Still awaiting one or two stragglers for advertising artwork but editorially we're in good shape (Septic for "we're on course"). Talking of Americans, aren't there a lot about at the moment? 10am on Hampstead High Street's like kinda full o' yank mums awl kinda tawkin' lack Donald bleedin' Duck! Thinking of renaming the mag to Greenwich Village Voice...er...uhm... maybe not. Remember to put Thursday the 6th of September in your diary for the launch of The Humpsturd Village Voice. 7pm at The Tabby Cat Lounge. West-side and Toodle Pip. DS.

Apart from Tanker what rhymes with Banker?

If you want a nice cup of coffee for 40p you could do a lot worse than pop in to the church on Heath Street this weekend. You'll even get a free biscuit thrown in! Well Played the Baptists! No, not Baptista! He's rubbish. So's Henry! Good riddance! Couldn't kick a ball to save his life! While we're at it- All banks are complete arseholes! Yes! It's true! Their just a bunch of complete wankers so we're off to the Post Office to open the Hampstead Village Voice account. Actually, given the choice we'd run it from a shoe box but HMR&C wouldn't stand for it. So to name and shame: NAT WEST made us fill out loads of forms, tried to sell us insurance and various other services we didn't want and messed us around for a month then...."Computer said no!". BARCLAYS didn't have the bollocks to take our money either! We didn't even want a loan! Not a penny! Just to deposit a load of cheques from our local advertisers. Yup! That's how bad the HVV's credit is! But as an old radio presenter mate of mine Scottie Chisholm always used to tell me, "Give them 20p and tell them to go and phone someone who gives a toss!" and "Don't let the bastards live rent free in your head". Wise words indeed. Banking aside, things are going swimmingly and we're on track for the launch in September. We'll see you all at The Tabby Cat Lounge at 7pm on Thursday September 6th for a party Hampstead will never forget! Your very own, Mustafa Goldstein.

All You Need Is Meat...

The Beatles hung about hampstead quite a bit and it's as likely as not they procured their meat from JA Steeles in Flask Walk which is still with us to this very day. In fact Ringo used to hang about Willoughby Rd and Paul was spotted by Rob H. by the Vale of Health very recently just after he dumped that what's her name. Rob who's been fishing around the Heath since he was a lad told me the conversation went something like: Rob- "It's you isn't it!" Paul- "Yup it's me alright" Rob- "It's really you" Paul- "Oh yeah, it's definitely me!" We'll be launching The Hampstead Village Voice in September with a big bash at the Tabby Cat Lounge (formerly Maxwell's). It's going to be the party Hampstead will never forget so get ready kids! DS

Naughty! Naughty!

BLIMEY! Aren't we a naughty Hampstead Village Voice! We've lifted the above from Private Eye without their permission in the hope that they will sue the pants off us before we're even up and running! Imagine all that publicity! Gosh aren't we naughty! Not as naughty as Her Majesty's Government which has commited a definite "No-No" by adding an ariel (That's right, a bleeding ariel!) to everyones new passports without telling us! Bastards! Yes, we all know about the biometric chip, but there was nothing in the press conference about a bleeding ariel! I recently received my new passport and it had a little piece of paper in it that waxed on about the bio-chip for a few lines and then to my horror it read, "Your new passport also has an ariel". Oh lucky me! On further inspection I noticed that it did indeed have an ariel which was connected to the bio-chip. Now they can track us all over the planet for not paying our ruddy council tax or parking fines! Ouch! We're tagged like prisoners on parole without even first having commited a crime. Guilty before proven innocent. Talk about Big Brother watching us. Room 101 here we come! The Lives Of Others? The Lives Of Us Lot more like it! Britain...England, whatever you call it! It's all over! The Soviets weren't this bloody controlling. Ah, what I wouldn't give for a few days in a Siberian Gulag! Or just to open some envelopes for the German Democratic Republik. Unlike the British Government, at least the commies were honest about being a bunch of control freak Stasi bastards! Georgie Orwell- You D'man! You saw it coming! DS

Ciao Bello!

If you see this man do not approach him! His name is Mario and he's wanted for speaking Italian in a public place. A true Hampstead character if ever there was one, Mario runs the beautiful Villa Bianco restaurant in Perrins Court with much agility and skill and is as relieved as the rest of us that The Hampstead Village Voices computer hard disc has at last been mended! Ooh that was scary! Thought we'd lost the lot for a minute... Good job we at the HVV are so dilligent and back all (well, most) of our stuff up! So the hard disc's been replaced by The Mac Daddy of West Hampstead (that's abroad), after it died last week under the sheer weight of work on the magazine and pictures of sheep having sex. Incidentally, the Mac Daddy did such a good job that we at the Voice firmly recommend him for all you Mac needs! And for Gods sake, back your work up chaps and chapesses or you may lose it all, never mind the sheep!! DS.

Top Notch Crepes!

Yes! A splendid day at the office! Closed a full page of advertising with a spendid chap called David who is about to launch a complex of offices in Kings Cross. So assuming all the other advertisers pay up on time, we'll be in clover with the printers and out on schedule. Not too sure about the American education our graphics consultant received but the wording "Launches September" (see above) is wholly unacceptable and I have informed him that unless this is swiftly changed into the English "Launches in September" the drinks will be on him at the Smells Tavern in Well Walk tonight. Bleedin' American in the Hampstead Village Voice? I think not! This is of course no reflection on the American people- it's just their cheap and nasty bastardisation of Mr. Shakespear's beautiful language I can't abide! What! What!

Digesting the nutrients...

Ahhh. Wasn't Church Row prettier with no cars! Right that's it. We're outlawing the internal combustion engine! Horses and carts, bicycles and electric milk floats only from now on please. Oh yeah, and try walking: Ladies, it's the best way to shed some cellulite! The bowels of the Hampstead Village Voice are in motion. Having had an interesting meeting with Dr. Van D of Christchurch hill this afternoon. It's all very directorial, almost businesslike, what with pies being sliced and visions shared. The good news is he's an Arsenal fan and not American so he's in with a chance. Will be power-breakfasting with him and the Consiglieri tomorrow to discuss the invasion of Belsize Park. Today Hampstead, tomorrrow the world! Well, Belsize Park! I will be jetting off to Kenwood this evening to keep a beady eye on the Kenwood Concert committee meeting. May I suggest more Jazz and classical and less Ronan Keating will return the Kenwood Concerts to their former glory. Goddam, there's enough crap on TV. We don't need it on the Heath and it will shut all those complaing NIMBY arseholes up. Who's going to argue with Mozart or Ludwig Van? Just try it mate- I'll bight your bleedin' ear awf!
DS

Oh Boheme! Where art thou?

I was meant to attend the 7am meeting of BNI (Business Network International) that takes place every Tuesday upstairs at Cafe Scrooge but guess what, I overslept! And a good thing too! What kind of embassador to the artistic bohemian ethic would I be if I didn't miss important capitalist business meetings that start at 7am? Seven in the morning? Are they mad? I rekon these guys only get up at this un-Godly hour to escape their wives and families! Being a bohemian Hampstead tart with no wife and kids, I don't have to. I can roll around in bed all day if I want to. And so I did. Well, untill 9am when I got up and started writing the transcript for our Emma Thompson interview. And very interesting it is too. Once ready, I'll email Emma and let her check them over for anything unsavoury or troublesome and then all being well she'll say- "okay my son, go to press!" Which would be nice, cos she's quite a scoop for a humble rag like ours. She's also a good example of a successful, local family business. Which we like! In the mean time, here's a nice picky of the Coffee Cup on Hampstead High Street where I will go and attempt a little cafe societe with an espresso later on: let's hope it's a little more lively than it is in the photo! See you there for some joie de vivre!

Toodle-pip!

DS

Hampstead Massage...

At last! A proper massage parlour on Hampstead High Street! Much too busy to tell you about it right now! So here, driven to despair by Gordon Browns new pension proposals (or lack of them), is one of our Page Three Pensioners supplementing her increasingly small pension with a little modelling work on the side!

Toodle-pip

DS

Deeper and deeper...

Now we've got Blair out of the way (pictured practicing for some well earned intimate downtime with George Bush) we can look forward to Hampstead slipping further into the abyss. The magazine's starting to take shape. Pending editorial coups you'll have the following regular features to contend with: Where Eggshells Dare Not Tread; The High Street Spy; 'Appy 'Ampstead; Hampstead Faces; Uncle Monty-Agony Uncle; Angry Of Hampstead; Hampstead Brothel; Pravda and Heathen will all entertain and repulse in equal measure. Then there's an exclusive interview with Emma Thompson about Hampstead and all her favourite and least favourite stuff. There'll be a lorra stuff about Camden (aka. Union of Socialist Soviet Camden Republics) and how they love red tape and Storm-trooping. Plus, having attended the Hampstead Town Safer Neighbourhood Team meeting yesterday I am pleased to inform you all that the Sgt. in command is none other than Sgt. Stephen Pepper! That's right. Sgt. Pepper's in control of our local crime unit! How good is that! You couldn't make it up!

Right. Better go and do some work...

DS

And on we go...

Well, the board (Bored) meeting went swimmingly, but now it's back to business! The Co. Secretary wanted to compartmentalize everything and our "roving editor" couldn't wait to get out of the board room (Toast, which was full of screaming kids) for a pint.

Chipping away with in design, selling advertising space to pay for printing, hustling for cartoonists and writers/contributers is a full time job. Oh, and I've still got to sort out all that businessy stuff! Hate that! Cashflow forecasts, banking, accountants...Yawn! Much rather be writing and shaping the layout of The Hampstead Village Voice (HVV).

So off I go to hustle a lettings agent (slightly better than estate agent from an anarchists point of view- if anarchists need a point of view) to buy some advertising.

Oh and going to have a look at going on Holiday- All these people who start their own business and don't have a holiday for three years are heros- but not moi! Give me a beach and a good book any day!

DS

The Snobstead Village Voice.

Still chipping away at the old block!

We've formed Hampstead Village Voice Limited and today's our first ever board meeting.

Present:

Marcel Fiegel. He doesn't know it yet but I'm going to suggest he becomes "Editor in Chief who cannot overule IL Presidente!" (That's me).

Sandy Markwick: Co. Secretary. Going to chuck him a couple of shares and make him take care of accounts and all that stuff if he's up for it.

Don Sebastiano, aka Emmanual "Mustafa" Goldstein aka IL PRESIDENTE AND EL SUPREMO Uber Editor in Chief and tea person.

It's going to be quite a ride. See www.hampsteadvillagevoice.com for more....but not much more....

EMG