WANTED: Klaus Von Kunst
As if life wasn't difficult enough, I seem to have lost one of my top writers Dr. Klaus Von Kunst who, since bumping into an old flame called Heidi in New York, has gone A.W.O.L. I had begged him not to go to New York - one simply can't trust Americans these days - and now I fear he has been extradited or sent to Guantanamo.
It's quite likely the CIA and/or Lockheed Martin might have mistaken him for yours truly after I wrote a scathing piece on their involvement in the 2011 UK Census in the current edition of the Hampstead [Pramstead] Village Voice. Naturally, I fear the würst for poor Klausylein and think he may indeed now be clad in orange, as is the custom for enemies of Airstrip One.
Fortunately, we are in the process of establishing Hampstonia's very own secret service, namely HSBC (Hampstead Secret Bureau of Conspiracies) and have already elected he who is known only as Herr Director (A.K.A. the Big Chief).
So worry not dearest Klausy - we'll be sending the HSBC seals before the Septics can get the electrodes onto your testicles. We may, however, wait until the very last minute so that you get to have a some sort of uniformed nurse shave and wet said scrotum, tenderly, with baby oil. A most pleasant experience.
Hoorah for Hampstead!
E. M. Goldstein x
Enemy of Big Brother