Tuesday, 12 January 2021

Village Voice Distribution Blues

The Voice is available now! Just about. 
Parim at Heath News II in South End Green.


The Hampstead Village Voice has now gone up to £3 a copy. Well, we've got to keep up with the cappuccino inflation rate haven't we. And, when I saw The Oldie on the shelf for £4.95, I thought bugger, we're selling ourselves short. 

Ten years ago when we last raised the price of the Voice from a pound, cappuccino's were about £2. Try going to Gails now with two squid and see where it gets you.
Moreover, as we've the small matter of the COVID lockdown to contend with, it's taking us a bit longer to get it to the shops. Us? Who am I kidding? I can't very well ask Dave The Beard or Simon The Space Cadet to drive me and the mags to shops can I! I'm pretty sure that's illegal unless you're in possession of a leaf blower or building a basement cinema off Church Row. Nonetheless, I am under contract with Rishi Sunak's HMRC to stay in business or forfeit my self-employed Corona-dole, so off to work I go.
So I've been trundling about on a bicycle in a virtual space suit both working and exercising at the same time. And I can tell you, the safe distribution of magazines in lockdown is a jolly cumbersome and exhausting business. On the bright side, there's one less spluttering jogger on the pavements because I'm far too exhausted to contemplate exercise after work.
There's all that waiting around for shops to be empty enough to enter safely; frequent sanitisation; fumbling about in gloves to write an invoice or put up a poster... Have you ever tried writing an invoice out in winter gloves with steamed up glasses? Or handling blue tack? I'm not taking those f_ing gloves off to handle contaminated cash, I can tell you.
But this isn't work that can be done from home so it's a case of doing it very slowly, methodically and safely. I did bump into Harry 'The Hatchet' Taylor of the CNJ who caught me using his weekly paper to dry a poster board. How embarrassing was that! Using Harry's carefully crafted words as a cleaning utensil right in front of him. Still, I live to tell the tale.
The good news is, the 'Winter of Discontent' edition is already at all the usual Hampstead outlets (apart from Village News which is, for the time being, closed) and Belsize Village too. I might brave Whampers tomorrow.
Toodle pip!
Basti Wocker,
Editor in Nuclear Suit.


Thursday, 26 November 2020



The rock bottom of Frognal — It doesn't get any lower...

I've spent the last few days to-ing and fro-ing between submitting my heartwarming new addiction memoir The Joy of Addiction to literary agents and reporting that mound of umskah at the bottom Frognal via The Twitter. 

To be honest, I don't know which has been the more painful experience. Both have involved the hitting brick walls. At least the odd literary agent replies with a friendly rejection. Camden and its councillors, meanwhile, have sent me to Twitter Coventry — it seems they only answer to nice, fluffy tweets.  

I'm generally a Labour voting kind of guy, but this dreadful Labour council has now blocked a desperately needed review into the systemic failures of our waste management infrastructure. I've put the word in italics because the throwing of plastic bags onto the pavement does not vaguely constitute a refuse infrastructure. 

Still, according to Cllr. Adam Harrison, Veolia are doing a top job and are well worth their £338m contract. Fuck me, which Camden is he living in? Not the Frognal bit obviously. Nor Flask Walk, Rosslyn Hill, Lithos Road, Finchley Road, West End Lane, Blackburn Road, Kingsgate Place, Delancey St... all with regular mounds of rubbish similar to the one pictured above. The borough clearly needs a top to bottom review of its entire refuse infrastructure. Seriously, I'm thinking of moving to Napoli. Apparently they've discovered dustbins.

In any case, The Joy of Addiction does at some point bang on about causing harm to myself and others as a squandering teenaged wastrel in the 1980s. By the end of the book — just in case Netflix want a happy ending — I admit I am in denial and powerless over my addiction; that my life has become unmanageable. A few Camden Councillors and Veolia board members might do the same.

Basti Wocker
London 26/11/2020
PS. The winter edition of the Hampstead Village Voice is due out 15th January 2021.

Monday, 22 June 2020


No, it's not photoshop. They actually did this!
On the 30th of March, a fellow calling himself the Diamond Cockney Geezer sent us a picture of this simply magnificent Transport for London botch job. At first we thought it might just be a premature April fools jape. Yet, after making enquiries with both Camden and TfL, it became clear this was indeed a genuine cock up. 
Yes, they actually did write 'HEMPSTEAD'. They even appeared to have got the 'S' the wrong way around so, whatever it was they were smoking, must have been pretty potent stuff!
In any case it was simply too hilarious a gaffe not to have on the front cover and we all need some cheering up, so here it is in all it's Hæmpstead glory!
Better still, the summer edition is on it's way and will be available at a limited number of local shops this Thursday 25th of June then free online from the 1st of July 2020.
Viva Hæmpstonia!
Emmanuel 'Mustafa' Goldstein. 
Editor in dishwasher. 

Saturday, 20 June 2020


Read full text below.


By Sebastian Wocker

Local shops are fuming at the Hampstead Village BID Ltd (BID) after it continued to invoice businesses and charities in full during the coronavirus lockdown.
   Despite receiving extra government funding in response to COVID-19 and claiming it reduced staff costs by 60%, the BID still saw fit to invoice paralysed Hampstead businesses for its controversial levy from the 1st of April 2020.
   Renate Jon who runs the hair salon in Heath Street said “What are they thinking? Nobody’s earning and still they send us bills for services we never even asked for?”
   Richard Weaver who manages the Hampstead Community Centre told us, “The BID had the cheek to send us a letter explaining it received government financial help for 3 months, but still charges us for the full year without even providing any services.”
   Rino Mollura who runs the Coffee Cup, Villa Bianca, Piccola and Fish Cafe said: ‘‘Hampstead’s businesses are practically on their knees and now this stupid, pointless bill arrives. Are they crazy?”
   “If they really are working for the community, they’d just refund struggling businesses what we paid them last year and cancel these new invoices.”
   The BID had sent out a letter in May 2020 stating that: “As the BID levy is a mandatory requirement, Camden Council [The BID’s debt enforcers] are required by law to invoice in full. However, the BID recognises some businesses may have cashflow issues and may need to discuss their own payment arrangements. Please do get in touch with Marcos Gold our BID Manager who will be able to discuss individual plans.”
   But Dame Hilary Blume who runs the Charities Advisory Trust said: “I phoned twice, as suggested, but there was no reply. What possible argument can there be to charge charities, state schools and an NHS surgery to improve Hampstead High Street?”
Mr Gold told us: “I was unaware she had reached out as I have no voicemail or email from Dame Hilary. She has contacted me before. I am more than happy to discuss with each individual business their levy bills.” 
   But there appears to be little appetite for cosy chats with the BID managers among the downtrodden ‘hereditaments’ of Hampstead. 
   Countless shops, restaurants, charities and pubs have told us, in no uncertain terms, they will definitely not be paying the BID levy this year or, as one shop owner put it: “...any other year either!”  
   And why should they? 70% of the 243 businesses, charities and schools who’ve been forced to pay it over the last four years, never wanted the thing in the first place and consider it rotten value. 
   I spoke to Council Leader Georgia Gould and suggested it was questionable that a limited company could force money out of charities, state schools and struggling businesses by making a council act as its debt enforcer — even during normal times, never mind at the height of a pandemic. I also asked her whether the council would still be summonsing businesses, charities, schools or NHS surgeries that refused to pay the levy in lockdown? 
   Cllr. Gould, who told me she’d have to check up on it, was unable to comment immediately, but agreed to get back to us. Ten days later we received a reply from Camden Council’s Business Engagement Manager who confirmed invoices had already been sent out but, crucially, that: “enforcement action will not be taking place for the time being and that this will be reviewed over time.” 
   Probably wise. There is now less than a year to go until the second BID ballot in Hampstead’s history. Unlike the first, there will, this time, be two campaigns and a more aware and determined opposition. 

Editor's tuppence worth. The Hampstead Business Improvement District Ltd (BID) showed it's true colours during the coronavirus lockdown when it decided to bill struggling Hampstead shops, charities, restaurants, schools and pubs for services it was not providing and which most of the shops didn't even ask for. It even billed charities, New End state school and the NHS surgery, Keats Practice, in Downshire Hill. The BID is a blot on Hampstead's land scape and has to go. 
Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein.


Wednesday, 3 June 2020

We have just received this update from Hampstead SNT.

I thought you might be interested to see our sergeant’s update on the disturbance on Hampstead Heath yesterday evening. This was a much nastier incident than I’d understood initially and I didn’t appreciate the extent of the disorder until I read John’s update.  John was one of the first officer’s on scene with other SNT officers. When the crowd turned on them they had to call for back up, involving around 30 officers, some of whom were called in from other areas.  I understand it took about an hour and a half to restore order. John himself was injured but thankfully not badly and he is back on duty today, having been on shift until 4.00 this morning. 

Sergeant's report.

We are aware that there has been a lot of media attention relating to an incident that occurred yesterday evening on Hampstead Heath. We would like to provide further details relating to this incident and the subsequent five arrests made. 
Police were made aware at 1800pm of a large group of approximately 150 young people gathered on Parliament Hill Fields. Our initial concerns were non-adherence to social distancing guidelines. A number of individuals within the group were consuming alcohol. A small group of officers attended to engage with the group. During this initial attendance, a robbery was reported and an allegation made that individuals within the larger group had stolen an electric scooter.  A suspect was detained but officers asked for further police support due to the number of young people present and the increasingly hostile and obstructive behaviour displayed by some members of the larger group.
Officers arrived to assist and while monitoring the crowd at a short distance, a fight broke out among a small group of young females. Several individuals were seen throwing punches, kicking parties on the ground, and pulling hair aggressively. Officers intervened immediately, but became surrounded and faced a difficult challenge in calming the crowd. A number of other fights erupted within the large crowd despite police intervention. Officers requested further support. 
While the aggressive and violent behaviour began amongst themselves, many members of the group became hostile and aggressive to officers that were trying to prevent further violence. Five police officers were assaulted including being slapped, punched, pushed and spat on. Officers on scene who arrived to help used reasonable and proportionate force to try and prevent crowding and a further breach of the peace. 
In total, five young people were arrested for the following offences – four for assaulting an emergency worker and one for failing to leave a dispersal zone.  
Three females and one male were charged. They will appear in court for assaulting police & common assault at a later date.  A young male was released under investigation. 
We would urge young people and their parents or guardians to remember there is still a requirement to adhere to social distancing, not to gather in a group of more than 6 people not from your household.
Hampstead Heath is a welcoming open space for local residents and visitors. This will not change. 
For those engaging in anti-social and violent behaviour in our community, it will not be tolerated. Do not engage in violent behaviour towards one another. Do not engage in violent behaviour towards emergency workers, it is not acceptable.

Hampstead, 3rd June 2020.

Tuesday, 31 March 2020


Safety First! We're not touching letter boxes and for good reason...

Nearly all the shops are closed, so getting the magazine out safely has proved a logistical challenge. Emmanuel Goldstein explains how much care needs to be taken in what used to be a run of the mill exercise.

There is a reason why the Hampstead Village Voice is not putting the new spring edition directly into letter boxes but, instead, only dropping them in front of covered doorways.
   Firstly, the coronavirus can be transmitted via hard surfaces like metal, so touching hundreds of letter boxes would be foolish. Especially as I've noticed the new Evening Standard distributors have been stuffing doors with their sordid little rag and, frankly, I don't know where they've been. Even if they are wearing gloves, the virus might accumulate after they've touched all those letter boxes and I'll leave the rest to your imaginations.
   Secondly, Britain is famed for this rather annoying stuff called rain, so we can't very well throw the mag on the door mat unless it's properly covered.
   So I've made it my policy to thoroughly wash my hands before going out, only do a very small delivery at a time and not to touch anything other than the mags to ensure they arrive COVID-free at your door. I also wash frequently with 99.9% anti-bacterial hand wash en-route.
   The only time I do wear the surgical gloves is when I pick up the mags, which involves opening two doors in Well Walk. As soon as I am out, I immediately dispense with the gloves in a bin, whack on the anti-bacterial hand wash and off I go — clean as a whistle!
   A bit extreme? Possibly. But I ain't taking chances. This is the Hampstead Village Voice and we do stuff properly!
   If you haven't got a covered front door mat but would like to read the mag, it is now viewable free online at: https://www.hampsteadvillagevoice.com/online.html
   And, if you can donate £2 or even more to help keep the Hampstead Village Voice going, that'd be grand! Just email: info@hampsteadvillagevoice.com for details.

Or you could brave Mag One in Rosslyn Hill or 3 shops in South End Green (M&M, Heath News, London) and 1 in Belsize Village (Late Late Store).

Stay safe everyone and remember... #2mMatters!

Now go and wash your hands!

Lots of love,

Emmanuel 'Mustafa' Goldstein

Monday, 2 December 2019


Under threat: These lush, green gardens are home to a host of wild birds and other animals and an essential 'lung' just off the highly polluted Finchley Road. They would come under threat if Camden permits this unwarranted development. The already fatally-congested area would become yet more chaotic were HGVs to partially block off Arkwright Rd.

By Red Frogger

An ‘appalled' group of neighbours are battling against Camden Council’s planning department, who have, quite inexplicably, recommended approval for an application to build two, large, multi-million pound houses in the green back gardens of Arkwright Road, Hampstead. 

The neighbours have protested about the projected 'serious and unwarranted' overdevelopment, density and overpowering nature of the proposed structures, and the resultant deprivation of daylight, amenity and privacy for their homes, as well as the huge impact on already heavily congested roads during any construction. 

Camden’s proposed acceptance of the application is contained in a 53 page Draft ‘Members Briefing Pack’ which contains several serious misstatements of historic fact as to previous buildings in the area, and various inconsistencies and contradictions regarding Camden's own Planning Guidance and Policies.
Was this to go ahead, it would mean significant construction in a conservation area, against Camden Council’s own stated policy. 
The developers have already had to withdraw their earlier application to build three houses in the face of some 80 objections by neighbours and local community organisations. Although these would be ‘luxury villas’, the applicants would pay Camden Council just £58k  in affordable housing compensation as part of a 106 Agreement; a tiny fraction of the millions that would be made when these new properties are sold on.
They point out that the ribbon of gardens reaching down from Frognal to the Finchley Road is one of the last remaining green areas and animal habitats in the vicinity. Camden’s apparent siding with developers flies in the face of current global and national concerns about environmental impacts through loss of trees and green corridors. (This is not an urban brown field site). 
Camden dismisses the point that granting the application would create a precedent for other neighbouring owners to follow suit; yet another application to build 9 flats in the nearby garden of 17 Frognal is already being considered by the Planning Department.
There are also complaints that the Council , while working in close association with the developers, has not provided proper community consultation with neighbours most closely affected by the proposals, nor have the developers themselves done so, despite stating that they had.

No date for a hearing has yet been set.

Tuesday, 21 May 2019

Summer Edition Takes Out BID

Dearest Hampster,
The new front cover of the magazine is such a closely guarded secret that we won't be publishing it online until publication day. So here's the contents page of the summer edition which will feature a jaw-dropper of a story on the incredible extortion racket that is the Hampstead Village Business Improvement District Ltd.
I've no problem calling it an extortion racket, because that's exactly what it is. And any lawyer who wants to make a case out of that had better look the up word extortion in a dictionary before sending any nasty letters.
Legal or not, we always new the BID was dodgy, and now we've seen it's income and expenditure for 2018/19 and its projected books for 2019/20 we can report exactly how dodgy. And the answer is very dodgy indeed. 
The new Hampstead Village Voice will be out on the 1st of June 2019 and it pulls no punches.

Emmanuel 'Mustafa' Goldstein,
Editor in law suit (with dictionary).

Thursday, 21 March 2019


by Emmanuel ‘Mustafa’ Goldstein 

On the 14th of March, just three days before the recent Camden/BID v James McGrath court hearing, Camden Council closed down Mr. McGrath’s pub, the King William IV, after a surprise health inspection. The council’s reason? Alleged Mice.
   Locals have confirmed that they've never once seen a mouse there and we concur.
   The timing of the closure – just two weeks after a story broke in the Hampstead Village Voice revealing the council offered the pub a £5k rates credit – £2k of which was to be ‘offset’ against a BID bill in order to vacate the court hearing was, to say the least, curious.
    It was to be a big weekend for the pub. The Six Nations, Cheltenham and, crucially for an 80-year-old Irish landlord, St. Patrick’s Day, all fell immediately after the Council’s enforced closure.
   Is it beyond the realm of possibility someone with a vested interest - pardon the pun - might have ratted to the council about these alleged mice?
   In any case, the pub has been thoroughly sanitised and reopens on Friday 22/03/19 after an enforced 8 day closure. And the Hampstead Village Voice says: Jimmy’s a local hero for fighting off these BID sheisters and standing up to the council.

If you’d like to read the full report and help support the Hampstead Village Voice, please feel free to join www.patreon.com/hampstead from only £2 a month.


11/10/18: Camden | BID v King William Highbury Magistrates, first hearing: adjourned.   
17/11/18: Camden | BID v King William Highbury Magistrates, second hearing: adjourned.
05/02/19: Camden writes to King William IV offering pay pub £5k ‘rates credit’ and offset £2k to pay the BID and vacate court hearing.
06/02/19: King William IV’s counsel writes to Camden declining its generous offer.
01/03/19: Hampstead Village Voice breaks story on Camden’s attempt to pay rates credit and vacate court hearing.
14/03/19: Camden inspectors close the King William IV due to alleged ‘mouse infestation’.
17/03/19: Camden Council | BID v King William IV court hearing takes place. Adjourned.
21/03/19: King William IV reopens after an enforced 8 day closure.
29/04/19: New date for court hearing. 10am. Highbury Magistrates’ Court.
Emmanuel ‘Mustafa’ Goldstein

Tuesday, 19 March 2019


This is the third occasion on which 80-year-old Jimmy McGrath, landlord of the King William IV has been dragged to Highbury Magistrates’ court and it won’t be the last.
   He refuses to pay Hampstead Village BID Ltd's 'levy' on principle and is being seen by many businesses as a local hero - a martyr to the cause. He's certainly taking one for the team.
   But the reason he might well win this case isn’t because the BID extorts money from the 70% of Hampstead businesses, schools and charities who didn’t vote for it; nor that Camden Council acts as debt enforcer for the private limited company – nor even that several businesses have complained of being repeatedly coerced and harassed by the BID’s unapologetic management.
    These certainly are just some of the reasons he and an increasing number of 'hereditaments' – as the BID likes to call them – do not wish to pay it, and why on Monday the 17th of March 2019, he told the court: “I’d rather go to jail than pay the BID”.
   District Judge Julia Newton couldn’t quite believe her ears: ‘I’m sorry Mr. McGrath, I couldn’t quite hear what you said. Could you please repeat it?’ Mr. McGrath did so unashamedly. “I’d rather go to jail than pay the BID.” It was quite a moment.
   More eyebrows were raised too when, after nearly an hour of cross-examination, and already having read various documents, Camden’s tax officer, Charles Quick, admitted he couldn’t read the date on a document in front of him because he’d forgotten to bring his glasses. 
   But Mr. Griffiths was more interested in Camden's three-man legal team forgetting to bring along a crucial piece of evidence than their spectacles. The document in question? A legally binding information ‘insert’ sent out with all 241 BID invoices.
   Before long the QC was to reveal, what might well be, the killer blow for Hampstead Village BID Ltd...

If you’d like to read the rest of the report and help support the Hampstead Village Voice, please feel free to join www.patreon.com/hampstead from only £2 a month.

Sorry darlings, no more Mr. Nice Guy. Writers have bills too!

Emmanuel 'Mustafa' Goldstein
Editor in public gallery.

Thursday, 21 February 2019


Well, we can't always get it right.
Both the printed front page and cover story became something of an 'historical document' before they even reached the shops – and this only a day after I proudly told Robert Elms on BBC London Radio: "we have an advantage over the Ham & High and Camden New Journal because we're quarterly so can take our time over getting story's right..." Well that backfired a bit, didn't it. D'uH!
   What you see above is up-dated online version of the Springo edition's front cover - below the updated cover story. This unavoidable mishap all happened due to Camden and TfL changing their minds on the zebra's fate after we'd gone to press. And, despite repeated requests the previous week, they neglected to tell us about it. 
   In any case, the zebra is saved and the printed version has become a 'must have historical document' before it even hits the shelves. Nonetheless, the whole point being to save the zebra and, having campaigned so hard to do so, the Hampstead Village Voice is more than happy to take this one for the team!

Long live the zebra! Down with the Toucan! Pelican? Traffic lights? Whateva!

Emmanuel 'Mustafa' Goldstein.
Editor in Abbey Road.

Below: the updated on line story. For the 'must have historical document' go to your local newsagent on the 28th of February 2019.

Saturday, 13 October 2018

Editor Gets Scrunched by BID Chairman.

The Autumn Edition 2018

Albeit the autumn issue focusses mainly on rubbish of the Veolese variety, there are also two exceptionally feisty reports on the Hampstead Village BID Ltd which, were you to ask local businesses what they thought of it, they'd almost certainly answer 'Rubbish!' 
   Well, at least 70% would. We know this because a) despite grandiose claims from Camden Cllr. Richard Olszewski in the Ham&Eggs that "a majority of businesses" voted for the thing, in reality only 30% of the eligible 243 businesses actually did and b) we conducted a poll of 100 businesses which resulted in over 75% being vehemently against the thing. And when I say vehemently, I mean as in Gauls versus Romans. So we can't wait for the next ballot now everyone knows what it does... or rather doesn't do.
   You see, the main story in the current edition is about how a) the BID's chairman violently scrunched this magazine's editor's hand and phone in Back Lane last June and b) the whole BID thing is an utterly pointless exercise. Unless of course you're the BID's CEO who receives a stipend of up to £40k a year. What the chairman gets out of it other than getting to physically abuse local rag editors or going down in everyone's estimation is anyone's guess. Read on...
Toodle Pip! 
Emmanuel 'Mustafa' Goldstein.
Editor (bruised).

The follow up story, which is almost certainly twice as good, is in the Hampstead Village Voice, at newsagents and splendid bookshops now for £2.

Thursday, 9 August 2018

Awfully Sorry. Forgot All About This Blog.

The Summer Edition is still in the shops...

Howdy Hampsters,

Sorry! I actually forgot all about this blog thing and so neglected to report on arguably our best ever edition of the Hampstead Village Voice, still in newsagents now. 
   What with my band Ridiculous playing its debut gig at the Dublin Castle in June, the completion of my book The Joy of Addiction in July and all the legwork that accompanies said projects – not to mention getting the summer edition out – the blog has slipped down the old priority list somewhat.
   And there was that Giles Coren purple patch in which your man got Rupert Murdoch to pay for our dinners at Café Hampstead and we both gleefully reviewed the restaurant. Giles in the The Times and moi in the Hampstead Village Voice. Happily, I also coaxed the Coren into writing the Forward to my book. Now all I need is a literary agent and a publisher. S'ppose I'll have to make some sort of effort to go and get one.
  Equally happily, Mr. Coren sang the praises of your favourite local satirical rag in his piece so, seeing as it's raining, I'll stick a scanned version up here for the weekend in case you missed it. 
   He called my piece a "jolly read" and as usual his is too.

Viva Hampstonia and toodle Pip!

Emmanuel 'Mustafa' Goldstein.
Ed/singer/author/tea person.

Gilesy baby does a little Hampy Voice service and writes a jolly piece.
Zoom in to read...

Note to Rupert Murdoch: to sue for copyright infringement, please send a postcard to: 
Emmanuel 'Mustafa' Goldstein, 
1 London Bridge Place London SE1 9GF. 

Monday, 26 February 2018

The Spring Edition Takes No Prisoners

The spring edition has a real humdinger of a cover story that exposes the Hampstead Village BID Ltd for forcing a much loved, state-funded institution into paying its gratuitous levy. Worse still, the BID forces the council to force this state funded institution into paying it. The Spy calls for an end to this nonsense and a change to the legislation that allows it.
   Yet more of a coup, we welcome broadcaster, former MP and top writer Martin Bell as a regular columnist and he'll be sharing with us his most original View From The Burb. 
   And there's a rather special interview with song writing legend Ken Howard who penned songs for Elvis, wrote a BBC play about John Lennon and, rather handilly, lives downstairs from Hampstead Village Voice editor Emmanuel 'Mustafa' Goldstein. 
   We've top stories from renowned writers Red Szell and Charles Harris and there's the latest goss on Ye Old White Bear, Burgh House, The Ladies' Pond and Hampstead's splendid new jazz venue, Hampstead Lounge & Jazz Club.
   Mr. Goldstein indulges in a new column called Corporate Watchdog in which he exposes the deserving household names of corporate Britain with an iron fist: AA Home Insurance? You're Better Off With The Burglars pretty much does what it says on the packet.
   With Klaus von Kunst rounding up the Arts scene, Carla Le Pond Antoinette deciphering transgender politik and the Ministry of Silly Names on page something or other... it's the issue that will have you wrapped in an enigma in a riddle in a mystery.
Viva Hampstonia and Toodle pip!
Emmanuel 'Mustafa' Goldstein.

Monday, 25 September 2017

A Ghastly Hampstead Cosa Nostra?

Click on the story below and zoom in to read it.

I don't usually publish articles in the current edition of the Hampstead Village Voice online. After all, our struggling local newsagents need to make enough dosh to meet their bills. What they don't need is a sordid little mafia bullying them, breathing down their necks and forcing them to pay up wads of money when they don't want to. This is exactly what a company called Hampstead Village BID Ltd is doing. Worse still, this private limited company has somehow managed to use Camden's electoral system to win a rather dubious ballot, then recruit Scamden Council to act as its summons-wielding debt collector. It's all quite unspeakable. 
   There's also another story about all this in the FINANCIAL CRIMES section of the Autumn edition, but you'll have to go to a newsagent and spend a whole £2.50 to read it. Yet, unlike the BID Ltd, we are not forcing you to part with your money against your will. Read on and share so that businesses and general public alike might be made aware of this thoroughly despicable practice.

Toodle Pip and do we not like bullies!

Emmanuel 'Mustafa' Goldstein.
Editor in hot pants.
PS. If you own a Hampstead business, have fallen victim to this reprehensible little mafia and want to be rid of it, you can email: goodbyebid@outlook.com where a band of like-minded businesses are getting together to fight it off.

Monday, 15 May 2017


By Emmanuel 'Mustafa' Goldstein.

Pollution is the issue of the day, so pages 1 and 7 address it. I've actually taken to escaping London at every opportunity because coughing my lungs out is not what I signed up to when I was accidentally born in Islington then moved to Well Walk, aged one. Having been demoted to Arkwright Rd, the epicentre of that ridiculous school-run, well, it's positively Chokestead around here.
Ah, the Joy of Gridlock! Even the Heath seems to be overrun with parky-tractor-traffic these days. And if we can't even go on the Heath without a diesel exhaust in our faces then, yes, society has completely lost the plot. 
It's one reason I'm encouraging people to vote for Tulip Siddiq (Lab) in this last-minute General Election: her opponent, Claire-Louise Leyland (Con) foolishly voted in favour of the Heath Dams and, in-so-doing, has placed herself firmly in that room, for which there is no key - because surely all true Heath loving Hampsteadites will have chucked it into the Ladies' Pond.

Talking of the Ladies Pond, one of its regulars Karla Le Pond Antoinette will be joining me on this blog from this day forth. Indeed, all being well, she'll probably completely colonise it. We need doers in this movement (Brian) and let's be honest, I've been neglecting my blogging duties of late. You may know Madame Antoinette from our Pond Life page and it cannot be a bad thing to have a little more feminine energy flowing through the Hampstead Village Voice's veins. 

The new edition is in the shops and, befitting it's 10 year anniversary status, it's bigger and better than ever. But oh no! It now costs £2.50... then again, surely we're allowed to put the price up every ten years.

Viva Hampstonia and Toodle Pip!

Emmanuel 'Mustafa' Goldstein,
Editor voting for Tulip Siddiq.

Tuesday, 24 January 2017


So much for sensible EU directives

Dearest Hampsters,

If you can see this post through the London pollution then, may I ask, why isn't the Mayor of London doing what they do in Paris and order private citizens to stay out of their cars for a day? And why does the British government not apply EU directive 2008/50 which halts all major construction whilst air pollution is at a very dangerous level? 
   I'll tell you why. Because this country's full of selfish, ignorant, money-grubbing arseholes who put their comfort and industry before the breathing of fresh air, that's why.
   "Children's lungs? Fuck 'em! We've got cash to make and huge SUVs to ponce about in!" 
   We may as well all be living in Trump's Brave New World... Oh shit, we are.

The good news is that the new Hampstead Village Voice is here to save our Hampstead spirits from the filth and corruption of Big Brother Trump and his new Airstrip One poodle Theresa Maybe.
   If it's not too passé by then, we'll get Ken Pyne to sharpen his 'poodle bashing pencil' and furnish our new political correspondent Helmut 'Schmidty' Schmidt with a cartoon for the Spring edition, which will be out in May, Theresa.
   That's if a Trident missile hasn't accidentally bombed Florida and caused all out war between Britain and the United States. Oh wouldn't that be a laugh! Imagine it: our armed forces accidentally bombing the USA. 
   As Mr. Withnail once famously yelped from the front seat of an old Jag, "Go and get your new Hampstead Village Voice now darlings... you haven't got a chance!"


Emmanuel 'Mustafa' Goldstein.
Enemy of Big Brother.

Thursday, 12 January 2017


HURRAH! The Winter Edition (HVV29) of the Hampstead Village Voice has, after much toil, flu and caffeine, been sent to the printers. Here's its intestines.... It should be out before the 1st of Feb 2017 if Trump's 'TOTALLY BIGLY DÉJÀ VU' (page 34) hasn't nuked us all by then.


Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein,

Enemy of Big Brother - more than ever!

Saturday, 16 January 2016


The Winter 2016 Edition

Not content with spreading the gospel of the Hampstonian People's Un-popular Front to the exotic lands of Belsize Parkistan, Golders Green Already, Whampers and Al Highquaida, the Hampstead Village Voice is now available in, of all places, St. John's Wood A.K.A. The Wood of Singeon: the news-stand outside St. John's Wood tube station and the legendary Peirera News at 35 St. John's Wood High Street, to be precise.
   Yes even the hearts and minds of The Wood are now to be conquered and the Hampstonian People's Un-popular Front will not rest until Big Brother's evil empire is quashed forever and Hampstonia can again be happy, joyous and free as it was during the Cold War. Oh, how we miss the cold war... You knew where you were back then. Duck and Cover and Mutually Assured Destruction all day long. Ay, them were't days!

Viva Hampstonia!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein.
Enemy of Big Brother.