HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN?

WANTED: Klaus Von Kunst

As if life wasn't difficult enough, I seem to have lost one of my top writers Dr. Klaus Von Kunst who, since bumping into an old flame called Heidi in New York, has gone A.W.O.L. I had begged him not to go to New York - one simply can't trust Americans these days - and now I fear he has been extradited or sent to Guantanamo.

It's quite likely the CIA and/or Lockheed Martin might have mistaken him for yours truly after I wrote a scathing piece on their involvement in the 2011 UK Census in the current edition of the Hampstead [Pramstead] Village Voice. Naturally, I fear the würst for poor Klausylein and think he may indeed now be clad in orange, as is the custom for enemies of Airstrip One.

Fortunately, we are in the process of establishing Hampstonia's very own secret service, namely HSBC (Hampstead Secret Bureau of Conspiracies) and have already elected he who is known only as Herr Director (A.K.A. the Big Chief).

So worry not dearest Klausy - we'll be sending the HSBC seals before the Septics can get the electrodes onto your testicles. We may, however, wait until the very last minute so that you get to have a some sort of uniformed nurse shave and wet said scrotum, tenderly, with baby oil. A most pleasant experience.

Hoorah for Hampstead!

Viva Hampstonia!

Yours spankingly,

E. M. Goldstein x

Enemy of Big Brother

Edition 007 Out on April 1st 2009 £2squid!

Charming! Is Hampstead becoming a Khazi? Listen up restaurants, businesses and residents: it's time to start taking responsibility for our rubbish or face the Hampstead Village Voice Gallows of Shame. (This horror-show was recently dumped outside a business in Downshire Hill - what are they on?).

Hurrah! Edition 7 of the Hampstead Village Voice will be at you Hampstead news agents by the 1st of April 2009, is back to it's normal price of £2.00 (well, the recession's over init) and includes a FREE CD with every purchase! Unless of course you live in our Satellite State of Belsize Park in which case you can purchase your copy in Belsize Village or outside the tube station. Residents of the Soviet Republic of West Shamstead will have to walk all the way up West End Lane and buy their copy from Mr. Mystery because, frankly, all the other news agents in West Hampstead were so unenthusiastic and have so little Joie De Vivre that we can't be arsed with them any more. We wonder whether some of these people actually alive? 

Meanwhile, I have been approached by several Hampstonians of late who are convinced the Hampstead Village Voice ought to come out at least monthly and that if it did this would in some way or another equal “progress” of some sort.

What utter poppycock! My dear Hampstonians, nothing could be further from the truth. For starters it would mean getting up very early every morning. How does that equal progress? After all, sleeping in, blissfully stretching and yawning whilst the rest of London crams into a carraige on the Northern Line is surely the most glorious of luxuries which only the foolish would forsake.

Besides, the whole ethic behind this thing is that it’s vehemently anti-rat-race. If the Hampstead Village Voice had a mission statement (which it hasn’t) it would be “Nice and easy does it”. What’s the rush?

Indeed we pride ourselves that no Roman calenders or alarm clocks are required in the production of the Hampstead Village Voice. It grows and evolves as naturally as an oak tree on Hampstead Heath and rusheth not to the foolish tempo of Governments, banks and corporations.

The Beatles had the right idea when they wrote the song  I'm only sleeping (Revolver) which is right on the button :

 

"Everybody seems to think I'm lazy, I don't mind, I think they're crazy.

Running everywhere at such a speed - till they find, there's no need..."

Splendido!

Toodle pip!

Musti Goldsteinxxx

PS. Keep Hampstead Tidy!

PPS. Litter Highate at will!

Pstead High St & Perrin's Court Botch Jobs

Above: One day Scamden will get round to finishing this. That's if Hampstonia doesn't declare independence first.

I once had a science teacher at Hampstead Comprehensive School called Mr Barnet. His first words to us all were: "A picture tells a thousand words". Well, if these pictures are anything to go by, it would appear there's little local pride left in the maintenance of dear, sweet, beautiful Hampstead these days. 

Why? 

In a word: Scamden. 

Is it now time for us, the proud Hampstonians of Hampstonia to storm the Bastille in Judd St (that's Scamden's HQ in Kings Cross) and revolt against those that simply don't give a shit about us or our beautiful Hampstead? And why should they, they're in Kings Cross for God's sake. They're used to wallowing around in umskah. 

Why should we allow some blasted authority in King's Cross to balls up our lovely manor? No disrespect to King's Cross but Look at the place. It's a bleedin kahsi. Camden Town? It's practically an open crack-house. It's time for the London Borough of Hampstead (better still the nation state of Hampstonia) to take control of everything north of Pond Street, west of Hampstead Heath (including the Heath, of course), south of Whitestone Pond and east of Finchley Rd. 

If Scamden want to allow King's Cross, Kentish Town and Camden Town to rot in a mass of chewing gum, split plastic bags and shit looking street furniture then good luck to them. But we say to them now in plain English: "Get out of Hampstead, please, you incompetent fools!"

Above: all in a days work. And what you see there was one days worth of cobbling (cement not included).

It's beyond comprehension... first they dig up Perrin's Court and replace the cobble stones that have been there for, well, as long as I can remember (42 yrs) with cheap nasty tarmac. Then, at vast expense to the council tax payer, Scamden hire the Rumanian version of Laurel & Hardy to do the whole thing again avec cobble stones. It has been pointed out to me by more than one local that those two blokes have managed about three yards of cobbling a day in between about seventeen fag breaks and a lot of staring into open space. Their working day also seems to start at about 11am and end at 3pm and, unsurprisingly, they've been cobbling this tiny stretch of Perrin's Court for well over a month. 

A similar botch up happened in Church Row just prior to the Perrin's Court debacle at the cost of an extra £10,000.00 (Ed. And the rest).

In conclusion, Scamden are either ignorant of what is required around here and mis-inform their builders as to what needs to be done or are sub-contracting to well dodgy geezers who balls up as much as possible so they then have to return and do the whole job again at a huge cost to you, the council tax payer. And you wonder why your council tax is so ridiculously high and the country is embarking on a recession. Viva La Revolution!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein

Victory Mansions, London

Airstrip One 

1984-2008

"A VERY FINE PUBLICATION!"

Those of you who listened to Russell Brand on BBC Radio 2 the other night will have heard the refreshingly lively comedian refer to our beloved magazine as, "the Hampstead Village Voice, a very fine publication!" 

Hoorah for you Monsieur Brand for giving us our first national on air recognition. And on old Auntie Beeb, too! Well played old bean and you can be assured of vast amounts of praise and back scratching in our next issue, including a well positive review of your My Booky Wook wot I read on holiday and how it actually saved my life. Well, it certainly got me through a rather traumatic experience. So thanks for that Geezah. 

TTFN,

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein III

Editor in Tea Person

PS. Apparently, Gary Crowley mentioned us on GLR too, but he doesn't really count cos he's not nearly as lovable or funny as Russell B.

Himm & Heill shameless attack on Hampstead Village Voice delivery boy

Revealed! The true identity of Emmanuel "Mustafa" Goldstein 

One might be forgiven for thinking the Himm & Heill, reacted somewhat un-intelligently to the two page wrist-slapping we gave them in the summer edition of the Hampstead Village Voice (Now available at Hampstead news agents) over their decision to advertise for den Britischen Nazional Partei. 

Strangely, they went for a personal attack on our delivery boy, Sebastian, who also makes the tea and puts up posters on a voluntary basis. Apparently they are under the impression that poor Sebastian is in fact Editor of the Hampstead Village Voice and accused him of "hiding under a veil of anonymity" and "being libelous" in a recent H&H. 

The poor lad, a dyslexic from the impoverished slums of Well Walk can't even spel proparly.

Further more, the Britischen Nazional sympathetic Himm & Heill go on to threaten our penniless and destitute delivery boy with "writs coming through his letter box".  Oooh, you big bullies! 

Impersonal note to Himm & Heill: listen chaps, there's no need for this name and shame gutter press stuff. And lay off our delivery boy or else we'll, er...we'll, uhm...tell his big bruvver who's like well hard! Of course we satirized you and your publishers Arschants for advertising (and therefore encouraging) a fascist party. I mean were we supposed to ignore it? Of course not. What did you expect? But it's nothing personal. Just business. Neither your editor or delivery boy were mentioned by name because we adhere to a "principles before personalities" code of misconduct. Were you to consider a similar policy, you might win some of your friends back by being nice and lovely like wot we are!

Yours Unfaithfully and big Kisses,

Mwah!

E.M. von Goldstein

Emmanuel "Mustafa" Goldstein

True & Supreme Editor in Chief of Tea & Biscuits who is in no way related to anyone called Sebastian or Marjory or Selwin.