The Hampstonian 2012 - Always Be Closing...

The Cover of The Hampstonian 2012 which will hit the shelves of Hampstead in mid-December features Bruce Yardley's Coffee Cup courtesy of the Catto Gallery.

I'm currently working my balls off getting the Hampstead Village Voice's prudent little sister, The Hampstonian 2012, ready for action. Indeed, there's still time to take out a an advert in The Hampstonian 2012 which will saturate Hampstead throughout Annus Olympicus and, at only £150+VAT for a full A5 page, you'd be mad - nay, utterly insane - not to take out an ad if you're a Hampstead business.

I watched David Mamet's excellent Glengarry Glen Ross again last night in order to motivate myself towards the dubious task of selling advertising. I take inspiration from Alec Baldwin's fantastic performance as the hard-hitting, bastard sales executive: "ABC - Always Be Closing! Put that coffee down. Coffee's for closers only..." Of course, I'm more like Jack Lemon than Alec Baldwin and drink too much coffee regardless of whether I've closed or not. Yet watching this film does get me into the spirit of the sales thing. Not my normal cup of tea but, hey, someone has to do it.

"A.I.D.A. Atention. Do I have your attention? Interested? Are you interested? Decision - have you made your decision for Christ! And Action... get them to sign the line that is dotted. They're out there just waiting to give you their money... are you gonna take it? Are you man enough to take it?" Blimey - I must have watched it a squillion times because I've learned it by heart. So what are you waiting for - it's a no brainer. £150 squid for a full page and a whole years coverage in Hampstead's favourite directory - C'mon, it isn't rocket science. No one reads the Ham&High anymore which is why I drove here on Bessy the Bicycle and you drove here in a Hyundi. Hang on? Think I got that bit wrong... Anyway, I don't wear a watch, let alone one worth $80k. What an arsehole.

To take out a page in the Hampstonian 2012 email me directly info@hampsteadvillagevoice.com or have a quick peek at http://www.hampstonian.co.uk/aboutus.html

It's a no brainer folks!

Emmanuel 'Mustafa' Goldstein

Editor in Advertising...

Edition 12 imminent!

Although horribly unpopular in Airstrip One, Scamden and Slimegate, Public Enemy No.1, Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein appears to have managed to gain cult status in Tokyo. Indeed, the well respected Japanese magazine Mr. Partner recently interviewed him about the Hampstead Village Voice and the Federal Republic of Hampstonia.

Of course, Mr. Goldstein's identity is a closely guarded secret and the picture above is of an Italian doppelgänger called Salvatore Tagliatelle and bares no resemblance to the real Mustafa G.

All being well, edition 12 will be out in the shops on Thursday the 20th of January and features, amongst other things, the first instalment of the constitution of the Federal Republic of Hampstonia. There are also exclusive local photo's of Cesc Fabregas, Ricky Gervais, Ian Wright, Vanessa Feltz, Jonathan Ross, David Baddiel and, most importantly, a long lost photo of our celestial editor in Chief, Bronco [John].

Plus all sorts of controversial nonsense.

Death be to Al High-Quaida and the Union of Soviet Scamden Republics!

Johnny Amalfi

pp. Mr. Honeka-Cohen

President of the Federal Republic of Hampstonia [land of the not so free]

IT'S IN THE SHOPS!

This is the already unlegendary poster promoting the Spring 2009 issue of Humpsturd's least favourite magazine... 

Hoorah! The Spring Clean edition of the Hampstead Village Voice is out NOW!

Got up early (ish), had a coffee at Cafe Sneéro, then met he known only as "The Elf" for lunch at La Gaffe and it was off to the printers in Brimsdowne in Herbie-The-Hampstead-Village-Voice-Mobile A.K.A. the Elf's Volvo estate. 

He wasn't a happy little Elf by the time we got to his favourite barber shop - where we usually stop off so that he can get his hair cut for £8. Well, Hampstead's so pricey these days- and Elf's aren't paid all that well. Anyway - it was Thursday and lo and behold they still have half day bloody closing up there in Middlesex! I thought half-day closing went out of fashion with Maynard's and Fowler's in Flask Walk! But obviously not in Brimsdowne. 

So with Danny Baker blaring through the Elf's Volvo's stereo we manage to deliver some 1,300 copies of the Hampstead Village Voice to newsagents and bookshops  in Hampstead, Saff End Green, Belsize Park and West Hampstead before retiring to the Rosslyn Arms for a pizza and a beverage. I drank a lime and soda and he drank several bottles of Becks with ice and a few Café Creme cigars: well, he ain't very Elfy, is he.

Chop-chop! off you go and purchase your Hampstead Village Voice immediately! The local economy depends on it!

Mustafa Goldstein

xxx

A.K.A.. Richard Nixon Jnr..