Friday, 28 November 2014


Oh no! High Court Judge decides in favour of dams on the Heath. Is the Heath, to become a blasted building site for years? It's just un-fucking-thinkable! What fuck-wit of a judge would allow such a thing? Who are these utter cunts coming into Hampstead and fucking destroying it? Livid is too short a word. The world has gone mad. The last sacred thing left in Hampstead and they're going to fuck it up. I hope the ponds swallow up their fucking bulldozers and drown them!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein.

Infamy, Infamy... They've All Got It In For Me!

We all need a little love. Even Traffic Wardens and editors of local satirical magazines. But, as Hymen Roth once said to Michael Corleone, "it's the business we're in."
I've experienced a spot of cut'n'thrust over the last 24 hours. Firstly, a Camden New Journalist was overly offended that I tweeted about his somewhat fantastic story claiming Arsenal could still come third in Group D, then some busy-body woman accosting me in Ellerdale Rd because I took a picture of some heavily trimmed trees, followed up by a string of rather rude and obnoxious emails from a fellow calling Hampstead Village Voice stories,'ignorant and unfounded,' yet refusing to say which stories.
Is it me or are the citizens of old Blighty getting a bit stressed out? Bitter and twisted, even? Please don't write in and say, 'it's you!' I might just have to run off to that hammock in the sun. 

If I don't, the next Hampstead Village Voice will be out on Thursday 15th of January 2015.


E. M. Goldstein.

Monday, 13 October 2014

Andrews of Hampstead Sold to...

The first cover of the Hampstead Village Voice featured Andrews of Hampstead

From its website and having spoken to a rather pleasant, American spokeswoman, the new owners of Andrews of Hampstead, Lords of Notting Hill, looks more of a homeware than hardware store. Not a bad thing in itself, but we can expect it to be a rather high end version of a John Lewis-cum-Robert Dyas.    

Lighting, vacuum cleaners and espresso machines rather than nails and screw drivers will be the order of the day. Yet there may be a DIY section with paint, locks and other twiddly bits if the website's anything to go by.

What's In A Name?

The bad news is, the company plans to call the shop, Lords of Notting Hill. Naturally Hampsteadites will not be too thrilled about that. 
Being Hampstead's answer to John Mcenroe, the words, "you cannot be serious!" were the first to leave my lips.
After all, this is Hampstead and calling a shop Such and Such of Somewhere Else is hardly paying tribute to what's left of the old Stead.
Although we, the people of the Unpopular People's Front of Hampstonia are an understanding lot, we'd still respectfully ask Lords of Notting Hill to reconsider this somewhat ill-placed name change. Why not just Lords or Lords Homeware or even Lords Formerly of Notting Hill But Now Very Much of Hampstead (Ed. A bit of a mouthful that last idea).
Regular readers of the Hampstead Village Voice will be aware that Hampstead's identity is being unceremoneously eroded by various outside factors - Scamden Council, Tesco-Stressco and various unruly developers to name but a few - and yes, we locals do feel quite strongly about this. It's a bit of a dramatic cultural leap from 'Andrews of Hampstead.'
We wish the new shop well. Notting Hill isn't a dirty word per sé but for locals, it is probably the wrong one for a Hampstead shop and will make Heath Street feel just that little bit less Hampstead. 
The reality is, the company is unlikely to change its brand name to suit little old Hampsers and so let's be thankful for small mercies. At least it won't be called Lords of Chelsea - now that would certainly have rubbed this traditionally Arsenal or Tottenham supporting area up the wrong way.

Viva Hampstonia, land of the not so free!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein
Editor in hot-pants.

Thursday, 17 July 2014

Restructuring of the Hampstead Village Voice

Mr. & Mrs. Patel of Fleet News

Dearest Hampstonian,
   You may have noticed the Hampstead Village Voice has been conspicuous by its absence this summer. This is in some small part down to the imminent restructuring of the magazine to become bigger, better, cheaper and more available to all, in the somewhat distant future.
   Naturally, various principles will have to be compromised in this ghastly restructuring, including the back page being sold to Tesco-Stressco for £1m an issue and lots of praise being heaped upon Scamden Council, the British Government, ghastly property developers, estate agents and the Corporation of London. The encouragement of lots and lots of generic supermarkets, mobile phone shops and leaf blowers too, especially on the Heath, will also come in handy -Ed. Don't forget, louder evermore screechy ambulance sirens!
Indeed, the Hampstead Village Voice will not rest until Pat of Polly's in South End Road is wearing a Sainsbury's uniform and the Patel's of Fleet Road (pic. above) are asking you if you have a Tesco Club Card.

10,000 copies!

But seriously folks, once the restructuring is complete, some 10,000 copies of Edition 21 ought to be out by late Autumn. Oh, alright then, Winter! Yes, 10,000 is to be our new circulation (Ed. He's actually serious), so be afraid Stressco, Painsbury, Scamden, Thieving Mobile, Über-developers and basement junkies et al, Be very afraid! -Ed. Don't forget the Himm&Heil!

In the meantime you can still purchase edition 20 of the Hampstead Village Voice from the lovely Mr & Mrs Patel of Fleet Road or any other half-proper Hampstead newsagent, Thornton's Budgens and Waterstones.

Love, peace and serene walks on the heath,

Emmanuel "Mustafa" Goldstein III

Friday, 27 June 2014


Pat outside Polly's, which is under threat from Sainsbury's

According to a pretty damned reliable source, Sainsbury's is to threaten South End Green's Polly's, Belsize Stationers and Sweet Pea with closure.
   This is truly shocking news. Polly's has been a favourite with locals for years and an integral part of the community.
   I would like to think Polly's regulars like Hunter Davies and Bill Oddie will fight tooth and nail to stave off the supermarket giant.

Unforgivably Agressive

For Sainsbury's to convert up to four local shops into a generic, orange supermarket directly next to the existing provisions store, London (formerly Londis), would be an unforgivably aggressive move and completely out of place in this conservation area.
    It would be completely inappropriate for such a chain store to open on the corner of Keats' Grove with Hampstead Heath directly in front of it and Keats' House just around the corner.    
   Again, this is a conservation area and the thought of bloody great trucks parking up there every day is quite unthinkable. John Keats and George Orwell would roll in their graves if the peeping sound of self check-outs and the grumbling of HGV's took over from that of the robin red-breasts and magpies currently poncing about around the area.
    The Hampstead Village Voice would certainly feel the need to encourage a boycott of Sainsbury's were it to actually move in and threaten the livelihoods of various local shopkeepers, not to mention the unique local atmosphere Hampstead's glorious satellite of Saff End Green has enjoyed for years.
   One might have expected this sort of locally insensitive move from either Tesco or Starbucks (which opened directly next door to the Hampstead Tea Rooms in 2009ish) - but not from dear old Sainsbury's.
     The supermarket chain has had plenty of chances to open in Hampstead over the years: 
Kingswell (now Wagamama), the former Hampstead Classic or Express Dairy were all options and Sainsbury's missed out. With an M&S, Al's green grocer's, London (AKA Londis) and several other small shops already in Saff End Green, this would be an act of war against the community.
    If this goes ahead, Sainsburys can certainly consider itself at war with the Hampstead Village Voice and, make no mistake, we will fight them on the beaches and take no prisoners. 
    This would be an act of corporate terrorism upon Hampstead's community worse even than the opening of Stressco. So, please, for your own sake, find a more appropriate venue, Mr. Sainsbury - or we will have to fight you and use Luis Suarez's gnashers if needs be.

Viva Hampstonia! Down with Big Brother! Etcetera... Etcetera...

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein x
Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein. 27.06.2014

Friday, 25 April 2014

They're Squatting The Cop Shop....

Typical Hampstead Studio Flat only £1500 per month inc Loo. 

I recently received an email from someone, who shall remain nameless, scare-mongering about Hampstead Police Station being squatted and how "residents are worrying about a rise in crime".

Firstly, were the police station still a police station this wouldn't have happened. If you ask me, it was criminal of the MET/MOPAC to close it down.
Secondly, these squatters are clearly not criminals - they are merely a bit homeless and anyone fearing a rise in crime is probably reading too much into Daily Mail fear-mongering. Having seen the picture in the Ham & High, they look like a pretty innocent bunch to me.

Until recently, squatting was not a criminal offence and to my mind - whilst properties stand empty for months and months - I say good luck to anyone who needs a temporary roof over their head in a climate where a poxy studio flat costs a ridiculous £1,300 p/m or more

Maybe MOPAC ought to have kicked a little arse rather than let the building stand empty for so long to 'realise the full potential of their assets'. They are the police, not property developers and have been caught with their pants down. 

Moreover, was there more affordable housing in Hampstead (and London in general) - as there was in the 60s, 70s and early 80s, those on low incomes wouldn't have to resort to squatting. But Camden's sold off much of its council housing so where are people meant to sleep?

The manner in which Hampstead's buildings have become pawns on a property developers' Monopoly board (and that includes MOPAC or any other property owner who leaves a building standing empty for months) combined with Britain's dismantling of its public infrastructure (ie. police stations/nurses homes/housing etc) will result in more of this sort of thing happening. It's inevitable. We've entered another Thatcher era.

There is a solution - Government needs to take responsibility for the current polarisation between rich and poor. Rising house prices might be good for owners, but for those on low incomes it means ridiculously unattainable rents, never mind getting a mortgage. Don't be surprised that those on low or no wages take action if the Government does not up its game.

Raising people's wages and/or lowering rents to an attainable level is the only way to prevent this sort of 'alternative action'. It's a national problem and whilst 10% of the population owns 90% of the wealth - or whatever it is (1% owns 99%?), this ain't going away. But again, as far as I can see, these squatters aren't even vaguely criminals.

Toodle Pip and Viva Hampstonia, Land of the not so free!

E.M. Goldylocks

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein III.

Thursday, 20 February 2014

International Hampster... Berlin, Tokyo, New York.

Made in Berlin: Hampstead Village Voice stickers.

For someone who edits the world's smallest and most localist of magazine's, I have to admit to being something of an Ausländer.  As I write, I am watching Berlin go to work from the window of Café Manolo on the corner of Danziger Strasse and Schönhauserallee.
    Yet more exotically, I've been commissioned by the Japanese magazine, Mr. Partner, to write a series of articles on the theme: Why My Village Is Worth Fighting For.
    A small delegation of Japanese came over to Hampstead recently to interview me and we spent a very pleasant afternoon at La Gaffe. It turns out the they are very big on localism and rate the Hampstead Village Voice's Asterix and Obelix-like stance on fighting off 'The Romans'.
   It's peculiar how the Hampstead Village Voice seems to be getting so much attention in New York (recent New York Times article) and Tokyo, yet on this side of the planet it's gone right over the heads of all the Fleet Street hacks in Airstrip One's Ministry of Truth. A good thing too!

Edition 20 of the Hampstead Village Voice is currently at the printer's and will be winging (Ed.whinging?) its way to Waterstones, Village News anyone else who'll have it by the 3rd of March 2014.

Toodle Pip and Viva Hampstonia, Japan!

Emmanuel 'Mustafa' Goldstein,
Emmanuel 'Mustafa' Goldstein.

Watcha Hampsters, Hampsteadites and Hampstonians! After weeks banging away at publishing my new book The Joy of Addiction , I've also ma...