Edition 007 Out on April 1st 2009 £2squid!

Charming! Is Hampstead becoming a Khazi? Listen up restaurants, businesses and residents: it's time to start taking responsibility for our rubbish or face the Hampstead Village Voice Gallows of Shame. (This horror-show was recently dumped outside a business in Downshire Hill - what are they on?).

Hurrah! Edition 7 of the Hampstead Village Voice will be at you Hampstead news agents by the 1st of April 2009, is back to it's normal price of £2.00 (well, the recession's over init) and includes a FREE CD with every purchase! Unless of course you live in our Satellite State of Belsize Park in which case you can purchase your copy in Belsize Village or outside the tube station. Residents of the Soviet Republic of West Shamstead will have to walk all the way up West End Lane and buy their copy from Mr. Mystery because, frankly, all the other news agents in West Hampstead were so unenthusiastic and have so little Joie De Vivre that we can't be arsed with them any more. We wonder whether some of these people actually alive? 

Meanwhile, I have been approached by several Hampstonians of late who are convinced the Hampstead Village Voice ought to come out at least monthly and that if it did this would in some way or another equal “progress” of some sort.

What utter poppycock! My dear Hampstonians, nothing could be further from the truth. For starters it would mean getting up very early every morning. How does that equal progress? After all, sleeping in, blissfully stretching and yawning whilst the rest of London crams into a carraige on the Northern Line is surely the most glorious of luxuries which only the foolish would forsake.

Besides, the whole ethic behind this thing is that it’s vehemently anti-rat-race. If the Hampstead Village Voice had a mission statement (which it hasn’t) it would be “Nice and easy does it”. What’s the rush?

Indeed we pride ourselves that no Roman calenders or alarm clocks are required in the production of the Hampstead Village Voice. It grows and evolves as naturally as an oak tree on Hampstead Heath and rusheth not to the foolish tempo of Governments, banks and corporations.

The Beatles had the right idea when they wrote the song  I'm only sleeping (Revolver) which is right on the button :

 

"Everybody seems to think I'm lazy, I don't mind, I think they're crazy.

Running everywhere at such a speed - till they find, there's no need..."

Splendido!

Toodle pip!

Musti Goldsteinxxx

PS. Keep Hampstead Tidy!

PPS. Litter Highate at will!

Bribery and Corruption

One law for Scamden another law for us...

It might appear to the casual observer that Scamden, to whom we pay vast quantities of council and parking taxes, are immune to their own rules. Obstructing public highways and leaving large articles of litter (ie. Those Orange Barrier Things) all over the place seems to be par for the course these days.

Were I to leave Bessy the Hampstead Village Voice bicycle in the middle of a zebra crossing, I could expect confiscation and a hefty fine at the very least. Yet Scamden's sub-contractors love nothing more than to flout the laws of the land on a regular basis. See above how a Scamden street cleaner  leaves his blasted trolly in the middle of the Zebra. He often leaves it outside the Coffee Cup too, in a position where one can bang one's knee on his blasted broom handle that he leaves protruding in an awkward position. 

Above The Law

Group 4 Security too keep driving onto the pavement and over the zebra crossing in order to deliver to Nat West (A.K.A. Twat-Pest) every Wednesday morning. 

Scamden sub-contractors, Crowley love leaving hundreds of orange barrier things everywhere: if it were anyone else's shit it would be regarded as litter- but huge plastic orange things don't seem to qualify as litter as Scamden seem happy to allow Crowley to blot the landscape by not cleaning up after themselves. Those Orange things are everywhere.

Blahhh Blahhh Blahhh. I'm losing enthusiasm for all this... Anyone want to buy the magazine? Not sure if I can be arsed with all this much longer.

Mustafa G

Disillusioned of Hampstead

Russell makes Hampstead Village Voice debut then mysteriously disappears

Last seen in the Hampstead Community Centre at Bruce & Carol's bookstall and on pages 3, 15, 25 and 26 of the current edition of Hampstead Village Voice, Russell Brand poses with a booky wook. 

Haven't seen old Russy Wussy about for a bit - not since bumping into him in that Stressco hell hole, then dashing off to Xabia [Spain] to start work on my book. 

He asked me what the book was about but I wasn't about to spill the beans on the greatest literary idea since Romeo and Juliet or Nineteen-Eighty-Four was I? Not that I don't trust old Russ, it's just not the done thing to tell people what a book's about till it's written, is it. It might scupper the thing and we wouldn't want to be doing that. 

Glengarry Glen Ross

So now it's back to the business of getting edition 7 of the Hampstead Village Voice under way. I actually use the film Glengarry Glen Ross as a training exercise before going out and selling advertising. It's time to "Put that coffee down", get out the "Brass Balls" and "Always Be Closing". Especially with all this economic downturn malarky everyone's on about? "Yeah, I used to be in sales... It's a tough racket..." Bullshit! I'm going to go out tonight and close a five year contract with Oldschidt & Howler, Stressco and Star*ucks - "They're out there just waiting to give you their money... Are you going to take it? Are you man enough to take it?"  Says Alec Baldwin to Jack Lemon et all in what has become the Hampstead Village Voice sales training and motivational DVD. Damned right I am! Charge!

Le Petite Crime 

More importantly, Bessy the Hampstead Village Voice bicycle's had her gorgeous plastic basket nicked off her from out side Barclays Bank in the High St. We believe an employee recently made redundant by the Barclays credit crunch cull may have nicked it in order to clear his desk. Either that or it's the work of some jealous fiend who despises the Hampstead Village Voice and is attempting to sabotage our efforts to bring enlightenment, love and bohemia to the rapidly declining parish. 

Hampstead Village Voice - Le Petite Crime Sheet No.1

Alas there have been several such instances of theft and sabotage in the last year including:

a) The blatant theft of our advertising board outside Hampstead Tube Station

b) The ripping off and chucking into the street of our advertising board outside the Village Newsagents on Heath St.

c) The letting out of air from Bessy the bicycle's rear wheel in Flask Walk.

d) The unsolicited use of our advertising boards by The Evening Standard, The Guardian and The Economist.

e) The theft of Bessy the bicycle's plastic basket.

We do think we allegedly smell an alleged conspiracy from one or all of the alleged following: 

i) The CIA  

ii) Scamden (various departments)  

iii) Stressco  

iv) Little Hoodie Wankers 

v) Pissed off Security van driver  

vii) Der Himm Und Heil Hitler Express

viii) M15

ix) The Evening Stan'rd, The Gruniad, The e-Communist

Of course this is all alleged hypothetical hogwash and it may just be some saddo has nothing better to do with their time than piss on the Hampstead Village Voice parade but let's face it, we are living in the blasted dark ages so what do we expect?

Is it me or is the world truly crap right now?

Tra la la and toodle pip!

Mustafa Goldstein x

Enemigo Del Gran Hermano

(Enemy of Big Brother)

Follow the shoe...

If there were any lingering doubts as to whether to follow the "GOURD"or the "SHOE" they must surely now be laid to rest. 

As Hampstead Village Voice writer Klaustafa von Kunstafa throws his shoe at the outgoing, self proclaimed 'leader of the western world' we ask, did George Bush go to shoe dodging classes? If not, we commend him on his superb shoe dodging technique and can only assume from his dodging skills this is not the first time he's had a shoe chucked at him. 

"I don't know why this Hampstead Village Voice guy threw a shoe at me?" he claimed with a bewildered look on his face, "Maybe he was just after attention, you know, it's like when someone holds up less than five fingers in a traffic situation". 

We're still trying to work out the exact meaning of that last statement but presume Mr. Bush is happy to compare the bombing of Baghdad and the murder of thousands of civilians to a minor road-rage situation. 

So unsurpisingly, Mr. Bush, the reason he threw a shoe at you is because Klaustafa hates your guts for invading his country, killing his family and all his mates and objects to the very air you breathe because you are, to put it mildly, a complete c*nt.

As for Mr. K. von Kunstafa, we can only speculate as to whether we will ever see him at Hampstead Heath's buggery basin again. More likely he'll be on a flight to Guantanamo Bay via some dodgy, rat infested cellar in Syria. And knowing him, he'll love every moment. Be assured Klaustafa, you will always hold a place in the hearts of the Hampstead Popular Peoples Front. Thank you brother - you are a prevert of the highest order and beloved martyr to the cause of the HPPF. 

All hail Klaustafa and follow The Shoe! The Shoe! The Shoe!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, Peace and goodwill to all men, women and little fury animals. 

Musti xxx

Mustafa Goldstein

Pledging allegiance to nothing in particular...

The Hampstead Village Voice (Edition 6) is currently doing swift trade at Hampstead News Agents.

Yes, that's right... Americans are buying it in droves just to burn it. Massive piles of the the Hampstead Village Voice have been spotted in flames on Parliament Hill and the American Embassy (The Rosslyn Deli) and U.S. Consulate (The Holly Bush) have been holding rallies and crisis meetings to deal with, what has been taken in some quarters as, "anti-Americanism" and "Commie Subversion".

But rest assured my Septic friends - nothing could be further from the truth. On the contrary, we at the Hampstead Village Voice have ceased to "fight" the inevitable and have happily conceded that we are in fact all Americans now. Yesiree Bob! Wooh! Yeahy! It's all good! Awsome dude e.t.c.

And being the commie-pinko, anarchist, liberal subversives that we are, we are delighted at the election of Barack Hussein Obama to the White House. So much so that we've paid him a special tribute in our page 5 leader column which he shares with the equally monumental re-paving of Perrin's Court N.W.Trois.

But not as delighted as we were at the election of Mario as winner of the Jon Moss of The Year Award! Or Adnandus Dyzantae as Author of the Year; The Duke of Hamilton as Top Boozer of the Year; The Coffee Cup as Best Café; Caffé Bianco for Best Coffee... Oh the list goes on.

There were a total of 40 awards handed out at Burgh House on Wednesday the 3rd of December 2008 and by Jove did we have a laugh. An audience of 8o watched in sheer terror as Mustafa Goldstein, Henry Kelly and Jon Moss handed out awards to the great and the good and the somewhat disoriented of Hampstead. There were another 20 Hampstonians hovering around the bar at the back whom top author and late arrival Tony Parsons later described to me as "Hampstead eccentrics". Bleedin' wino's more like. But hey, as long as they enjoyed themselves more power to their elbow. Alas I was so busy handing out awards and doing Dr. Strangelove impersonations in honour of the absent Klaus Von Kunst that I didn't see Tony and subsequently failed to invite him up to hand out awards to writers. What a pity for me, the writers and the audience but, on the bright side, Tony was spared 'the gallows' of public speaking.

There was a marvelous filmed "apology" from top DJ Nicky Horne "live" from "Honolulu" (Well, pre-recorded at La Gaffe - who won Best Hotel- but there was a palm tree behind him!) and possibly the greatest audience of all time including ex-councillor Mike Green(Con) who, when offered HM Government (Lab) on a plate as candidates for the Most Annoying Authority Award and put it to the vote, didn't raise his hand! Very noble of him, I'm sure or did he just feel a large Labour presence in the room and just 'bottled it'?

Most importantly, Hampstonian of the Year Award went to Alex Cowan who bravely jumped out of a small plane for charidy.

Anyway, Paolo the pianist was splendid as was Burgh House, The Bugh House Buttery's grub and the Villa Bianca for supplying the Vino. And also Silva's for six bottles of port which went down rather swimmingly with all those "Hampstead Eccentrics" at the back!

Down With Big Brother! Viva la Revolucion D'Amore!

E.M.Goldstein.

E.M. Goldstein, enemy of Big Brother.

The Wild West

The Financial Crimes section of the Winter Edition of the Hampstead Village Voice is so very splendid I could cry.

Bessy the Bicycle outside Wintons in West Hampstead who are doing a fine job of selling the Hampstead Village Voice.

It would appear the Soviet Republic of West Hampstead (SRWH) is a bit hit and miss when it comes to the distribution of the Hampstead Village Voice.

 On the bright side, Mystery, Hampstead Food & Wine, West End News and Winton's (pictured with Bessy the bicycle) appear to be playing  ball and aiding and abetting the furtherance of our favourite and only local satirical magazine in the cold, harsh Soviet hinterlands of Hampstead's grubby little satellite state known in Victorian times simply as West End. 

The same cannot be said of various other SRWH outlets who were happy to take our fine mag on a 'sale or return' basis but then pleaded complete ignorance to ever having received any when it came to coughing up for them. It would not be in the spirit of the Hampstead Village Voice to name and shame the worst offenders as they are not banks, governments, multi-national corporations or 'Street of Shame' medi-whores (who we like to shame at every proper opportunity) but small businesses with zero imagination to whom we can extend nothing but pity.

Pity? Yes because they won't be getting THE GREATEST MAGAZINE OF ALL TIME EVER! the Winter EDITION 6 of the HAMPSTEAD VILLAGE VOICE.

My goodness, it's a cracker! It's only got Russell Brand (who's still skill McGill regardless of what Daily Mail readers think), Nicky Horne, Tony Parsons, Klaus Von Kunst, Ronnie Wood, Eric Clapton (admittedly a very small mention of the man who played guitar on While My Guitar Gently Weeps, but hey, he gave me a hug so fuck it, that's worth a mention. I mean, how many people can say they've been hugged by Eric Clapton on Hampstead High Street?)

Name dropping aside, this really is the best mag we've done so far... Go and buy it. If you're skint and you have to rob an old lady or hold up a bank to get this edition of the magazine then do it. If you have to shag someone's grandad in the missionary position in order to purchase a copy, then so be it! But get it or regret it for the rest of your life!

Yours unfaithfully,

Jonofan Woss

Dr. Jonothan Wossy-Woss of Wossington Park

PS. Russell Brand is innocent cos he was actually very polite and it was me who got all saucy, rude and risqué on the radio.

PPS. Who fucking cares anyway? The attack on Pearl Harbour got less headlines! Aren't the Daily Mail a bunch of malicious c***s?

PPS. This isn't really Jonothan Woss writing this, it's the evil Mustafa Goldstein, but it is really Russell in the actual magazine! Hoorah! Hoorah! And Hoorah again! 

The first ever "Hammies" at Burgh House

Wehey! The 6th and arguably best ever edition of the Hampstead Village Voice is at the printers and should be in the shops by Tuesday the 25th of November 2008, a whole week ahead of schedule. How very splendid.

Better still, we'll be celebrating by holding the fist ever Hampstead Village Voice Awards (THE HAMMIES) at Burgh House, Well Walk, Hampstead on Wednesday the 3rd of December 2008.

Alas Russell Brand, who makes his Hampstead Village Voice  debut in this glorious edition, will be in the USA until the 7th of Dec and is therefore unable to attend. (Ed. He really was going to come, honest, he told me himself, but he's filming and to be fair they're paying him more than we were not going to pay him) But we're not worried cos  we've not seen or heard the last of old Russy Wussy when it comes to his involvement with the Hampstead Village Voice to be sure. 

Alas again! Lisa Stansfield's away too, so she can't come either...Darn! Nicky Horne's working that night on his show for Planet Rock....So we'll have to settle for a "sorry I couldn't be there video". Blast! George Graham's playing golf....Balderdash.... Emma Thompson's not returned my email... neither have Paul McCartney's "people"...Ricky Gervais told me to "contact his agent". Sod that, he only lives in Willoughby Rd? Ronnie Wood and Eric Clapton won't be there either...unless I bump into Ronnie again at the Coffee Cup .

Fuck it! Nobody like us - we don't care!

Well apart from good old Henry Kelly! He loves us and says he'll come along and I'm sure old Johnny Moss'll pootle along to add a little bish-bash-bosh to the evening. Oh and top author Tony Parsons is going to be there handing out the literary gongs. (Stop press:  I accosted Ricky Gervais as he jogged past The Wells Tavern today (25th Nov) and gave him an invitation. "I'll have a look", he said. What he'll have a look at is anybody's guess, but he seemed a little friendlier than when he first moved in a year ago. It would appear the laid back Hampstead air is relaxing his joggers loins somewhat. 

 

Oh yeah...And Her Majesty the Queen will be at the door collecting tickets in her new uniform celebrating how American Hampstead has become.

Besides, the Hampstead Village Voice  prides itself on always placing principles before personalities (Ed. Yeah right, that's why all you f***ing do is name drop), so as long as you're there, that's good enough for us!

Love, peace and name-dropping galore,

Mustafa Goldstein

Editor and failed name-dropper.

PS. If you read this, you're invited! See you there!