Apart from Tanker what rhymes with Banker?

If you want a nice cup of coffee for 40p you could do a lot worse than pop in to the church on Heath Street this weekend. You'll even get a free biscuit thrown in! Well Played the Baptists! No, not Baptista! He's rubbish. So's Henry! Good riddance! Couldn't kick a ball to save his life! While we're at it- All banks are complete arseholes! Yes! It's true! Their just a bunch of complete wankers so we're off to the Post Office to open the Hampstead Village Voice account. Actually, given the choice we'd run it from a shoe box but HMR&C wouldn't stand for it. So to name and shame: NAT WEST made us fill out loads of forms, tried to sell us insurance and various other services we didn't want and messed us around for a month then...."Computer said no!". BARCLAYS didn't have the bollocks to take our money either! We didn't even want a loan! Not a penny! Just to deposit a load of cheques from our local advertisers. Yup! That's how bad the HVV's credit is! But as an old radio presenter mate of mine Scottie Chisholm always used to tell me, "Give them 20p and tell them to go and phone someone who gives a toss!" and "Don't let the bastards live rent free in your head". Wise words indeed. Banking aside, things are going swimmingly and we're on track for the launch in September. We'll see you all at The Tabby Cat Lounge at 7pm on Thursday September 6th for a party Hampstead will never forget! Your very own, Mustafa Goldstein.

All You Need Is Meat...

The Beatles hung about hampstead quite a bit and it's as likely as not they procured their meat from JA Steeles in Flask Walk which is still with us to this very day. In fact Ringo used to hang about Willoughby Rd and Paul was spotted by Rob H. by the Vale of Health very recently just after he dumped that what's her name. Rob who's been fishing around the Heath since he was a lad told me the conversation went something like: Rob- "It's you isn't it!" Paul- "Yup it's me alright" Rob- "It's really you" Paul- "Oh yeah, it's definitely me!" We'll be launching The Hampstead Village Voice in September with a big bash at the Tabby Cat Lounge (formerly Maxwell's). It's going to be the party Hampstead will never forget so get ready kids! DS

Naughty! Naughty!

BLIMEY! Aren't we a naughty Hampstead Village Voice! We've lifted the above from Private Eye without their permission in the hope that they will sue the pants off us before we're even up and running! Imagine all that publicity! Gosh aren't we naughty! Not as naughty as Her Majesty's Government which has commited a definite "No-No" by adding an ariel (That's right, a bleeding ariel!) to everyones new passports without telling us! Bastards! Yes, we all know about the biometric chip, but there was nothing in the press conference about a bleeding ariel! I recently received my new passport and it had a little piece of paper in it that waxed on about the bio-chip for a few lines and then to my horror it read, "Your new passport also has an ariel". Oh lucky me! On further inspection I noticed that it did indeed have an ariel which was connected to the bio-chip. Now they can track us all over the planet for not paying our ruddy council tax or parking fines! Ouch! We're tagged like prisoners on parole without even first having commited a crime. Guilty before proven innocent. Talk about Big Brother watching us. Room 101 here we come! The Lives Of Others? The Lives Of Us Lot more like it! Britain...England, whatever you call it! It's all over! The Soviets weren't this bloody controlling. Ah, what I wouldn't give for a few days in a Siberian Gulag! Or just to open some envelopes for the German Democratic Republik. Unlike the British Government, at least the commies were honest about being a bunch of control freak Stasi bastards! Georgie Orwell- You D'man! You saw it coming! DS

Ciao Bello!

If you see this man do not approach him! His name is Mario and he's wanted for speaking Italian in a public place. A true Hampstead character if ever there was one, Mario runs the beautiful Villa Bianco restaurant in Perrins Court with much agility and skill and is as relieved as the rest of us that The Hampstead Village Voices computer hard disc has at last been mended! Ooh that was scary! Thought we'd lost the lot for a minute... Good job we at the HVV are so dilligent and back all (well, most) of our stuff up! So the hard disc's been replaced by The Mac Daddy of West Hampstead (that's abroad), after it died last week under the sheer weight of work on the magazine and pictures of sheep having sex. Incidentally, the Mac Daddy did such a good job that we at the Voice firmly recommend him for all you Mac needs! And for Gods sake, back your work up chaps and chapesses or you may lose it all, never mind the sheep!! DS.

Top Notch Crepes!

Yes! A splendid day at the office! Closed a full page of advertising with a spendid chap called David who is about to launch a complex of offices in Kings Cross. So assuming all the other advertisers pay up on time, we'll be in clover with the printers and out on schedule. Not too sure about the American education our graphics consultant received but the wording "Launches September" (see above) is wholly unacceptable and I have informed him that unless this is swiftly changed into the English "Launches in September" the drinks will be on him at the Smells Tavern in Well Walk tonight. Bleedin' American in the Hampstead Village Voice? I think not! This is of course no reflection on the American people- it's just their cheap and nasty bastardisation of Mr. Shakespear's beautiful language I can't abide! What! What!

Digesting the nutrients...

Ahhh. Wasn't Church Row prettier with no cars! Right that's it. We're outlawing the internal combustion engine! Horses and carts, bicycles and electric milk floats only from now on please. Oh yeah, and try walking: Ladies, it's the best way to shed some cellulite! The bowels of the Hampstead Village Voice are in motion. Having had an interesting meeting with Dr. Van D of Christchurch hill this afternoon. It's all very directorial, almost businesslike, what with pies being sliced and visions shared. The good news is he's an Arsenal fan and not American so he's in with a chance. Will be power-breakfasting with him and the Consiglieri tomorrow to discuss the invasion of Belsize Park. Today Hampstead, tomorrrow the world! Well, Belsize Park! I will be jetting off to Kenwood this evening to keep a beady eye on the Kenwood Concert committee meeting. May I suggest more Jazz and classical and less Ronan Keating will return the Kenwood Concerts to their former glory. Goddam, there's enough crap on TV. We don't need it on the Heath and it will shut all those complaing NIMBY arseholes up. Who's going to argue with Mozart or Ludwig Van? Just try it mate- I'll bight your bleedin' ear awf!
DS

Oh Boheme! Where art thou?

I was meant to attend the 7am meeting of BNI (Business Network International) that takes place every Tuesday upstairs at Cafe Scrooge but guess what, I overslept! And a good thing too! What kind of embassador to the artistic bohemian ethic would I be if I didn't miss important capitalist business meetings that start at 7am? Seven in the morning? Are they mad? I rekon these guys only get up at this un-Godly hour to escape their wives and families! Being a bohemian Hampstead tart with no wife and kids, I don't have to. I can roll around in bed all day if I want to. And so I did. Well, untill 9am when I got up and started writing the transcript for our Emma Thompson interview. And very interesting it is too. Once ready, I'll email Emma and let her check them over for anything unsavoury or troublesome and then all being well she'll say- "okay my son, go to press!" Which would be nice, cos she's quite a scoop for a humble rag like ours. She's also a good example of a successful, local family business. Which we like! In the mean time, here's a nice picky of the Coffee Cup on Hampstead High Street where I will go and attempt a little cafe societe with an espresso later on: let's hope it's a little more lively than it is in the photo! See you there for some joie de vivre!

Toodle-pip!

DS