Mr Cook.

Them were't days...

No particular reason for this picture of Peter Cook other than I remember bumping into him at the Hampstead Food Hall - now Tesco-Stressco - and being given a lesson in how to open a cellophane bag properly. Peter was one of the few males of the species able to open a cellophane bag in one go which, considering he was Tottenham supporter, was quite an achievement.

"You take it by the corner and pinch it like this," he told me as I struggled at the veg' counter. Oh how Hampstead misses him. I presume he'd have been slagging off Tesco-Stressco for the Hampstead Village Voice had he been alive to bare witness to its horrors. The good Lord spared him that much. (Ed. What, the horrors of Tesco-Stressco or the Hampstead Village Voice?)

The Current edition [14] of the Hampstead Village Voice is still available at Waterstones and good Hampstead newsagents... but only just!

Viva Hampstonia!

Emmmanuel Mustafa Goldstein x

Editor in Crusties.

Next Voice due: Feb/March 2012

D'uh!

Raha Saber's splendid photo of Simply Scrumptious in Flask Walk.

I am such a klutz sometimes [ed. what do you mean, sometimes?] - and can only offer Hampstead photographer Raha Saber a massive apology for forgetting to credit her in the new edition of The Hampstonian 2012.

Sorry, Raha! I'm a mook!

Needless to say, the photo's of Raha Saber will be featuring in the next edition of the Hampstead Village Voice!

Toodles,

Mustafa G xxx

The Hampstonian 2012 is OUT NOW!

The cover of The Hampstonian 2012, in the shops NOW!

Phew!

The Elf and I have j

ust distributed the first 1000 copies of The Hampstonian 2012 to the newsagents of Hampstead, South End Green and Belsize Village in his Volvo estate. The manageress of Waterstones said they've had "lots of calls" about it, which is encouraging. She's also stuck our poster in the window - hoorah! It's amazing what lamination can do. They've taken 100 copies as have Hampstead Underground Station, Mag One and the New End Mini Market.

To see where else you can buy your copy, go to http://www.hampstonian.co.uk/aboutus.html

If you're new to Hampstead and you want to inform yourself, this is the mag for you and may well be the best £2 you've ever spent. If you're an old Hampstonian, Hampsteadite or even a Hampster, you'll probably know all this stuff and would do better to stick around for the next Hampstead Village Voice which we shall start work on forth-with.

I am now having a well deserved cappuccino at La Gaffe... Nice...

Toodle Pip!

Mustafa G.

Herr Safety

cc. The Elf

Slight Delay... Out on 14th December 2011

Whoopsie daisy! There's been a slight delay due to "printer error" and "distribution malfunction" - Well, isn't that the contemporary way of passing the buck and denying responsibility for things these days? Always someone else's fault isn't it!

The truth is, I got the publishing date a bit wrong and didn't organise Dave the Elf with his Volvo estate properly! Yes, it was me... I did it! I'll take the wrap! Guilty as sin...

Fortunately, as this is an annual release, two days is more like ten minutes in the grand scheme of things so, what ho!

Toodle Pip,

Emmanuael Mustafa Goldstein,

Late for school as usual...

The Hampstonian 2012 - Out On 12-12-11

Yep, the Hampstonian 2012's almost ready to go - that's if I can find my proof reader, Dianne, who's gon AWOL. Essentially more of the same but I've changed the layout so that all the editorial's up front and all the ads apart from premium and charity ads are at the back. Much tidier.

Also I've changed a lot of the pictures in the Art & Museum section and John Graham's up-dated all the pubs.

Surprising how much work goes in to tweaking. Photo processing and such like. Not to mention chasing up advertisers for new artwork and invoices. But I think I'll have it off to the printers in time. Phew!

Oh and it's gone up to £2.00 - Less than the price of a cappuccino.

Christ! All my mags now cost £2.00

Toodle Pip,

Emmanuel "Mustafa" Goldstein

Two Bob Editor

Hampstead 11.11.11

Naturally I shall be enjoying my elevensies at Mani's at 11am 11.11.11 and will be wearing corduroys to reflect 11.11.11. After all, it's the date that looks like a pair of corduroys.

Viva Hampstonia!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein xxx

Editor in Corduroys

The Hampstonian 2012 - Always Be Closing...

The Cover of The Hampstonian 2012 which will hit the shelves of Hampstead in mid-December features Bruce Yardley's Coffee Cup courtesy of the Catto Gallery.

I'm currently working my balls off getting the Hampstead Village Voice's prudent little sister, The Hampstonian 2012, ready for action. Indeed, there's still time to take out a an advert in The Hampstonian 2012 which will saturate Hampstead throughout Annus Olympicus and, at only £150+VAT for a full A5 page, you'd be mad - nay, utterly insane - not to take out an ad if you're a Hampstead business.

I watched David Mamet's excellent Glengarry Glen Ross again last night in order to motivate myself towards the dubious task of selling advertising. I take inspiration from Alec Baldwin's fantastic performance as the hard-hitting, bastard sales executive: "ABC - Always Be Closing! Put that coffee down. Coffee's for closers only..." Of course, I'm more like Jack Lemon than Alec Baldwin and drink too much coffee regardless of whether I've closed or not. Yet watching this film does get me into the spirit of the sales thing. Not my normal cup of tea but, hey, someone has to do it.

"A.I.D.A. Atention. Do I have your attention? Interested? Are you interested? Decision - have you made your decision for Christ! And Action... get them to sign the line that is dotted. They're out there just waiting to give you their money... are you gonna take it? Are you man enough to take it?" Blimey - I must have watched it a squillion times because I've learned it by heart. So what are you waiting for - it's a no brainer. £150 squid for a full page and a whole years coverage in Hampstead's favourite directory - C'mon, it isn't rocket science. No one reads the Ham&High anymore which is why I drove here on Bessy the Bicycle and you drove here in a Hyundi. Hang on? Think I got that bit wrong... Anyway, I don't wear a watch, let alone one worth $80k. What an arsehole.

To take out a page in the Hampstonian 2012 email me directly info@hampsteadvillagevoice.com or have a quick peek at http://www.hampstonian.co.uk/aboutus.html

It's a no brainer folks!

Emmanuel 'Mustafa' Goldstein

Editor in Advertising...

The Classic Indian Summer

An Indian Summer in Hampstead

I say, what lovely weather we're having. Most very splendid indeed. What the bloody hell am I doing sitting here in front of a screen when I could be out in the sun, sipping iced coffee and people-watching on the Costa Del Hampstead? Say no more. Cor blimey Guvnor and Toodle Pip!

Emmanuel "Mustafa" Goldstein

Eddington Winthrope of Hampstonia

PS. Sales booming - get edition 14 from a newsagent near you whilst you still can. By Jove, it'll be the best £2 Squid you ever spent*

*Does not include the $2 you spent in that two-dollar brothel in Vietnam in 1967 whilst you were out there Napalming small villages: terms and conditions apply. Please consult your pharmacist before reading the bottle.

The Vastaman Interview

A rather pleasant interview with Vas Blackwood

I must admit to being rather proud of edition 14 which celebrates 4 years of the Hampstead Village Voice. Not least because there's a most splendid interview with top actor and fellow Hampstonian raconteur Vas Blackwood A.K.A. Rory Breaker from the blockbuster movie Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels in it. Innit.

Love.

Emmanuel M. Goldstein xxx

Mustafa G

Edtion 14 out Wed 07.09.11

The Hackfather

Phew! Edition 14 of the Hampstead Village Voice - out on Wednesday the 7th of September 2011 - is at the printers and I, for one, am mighty relieved. And, I may add, overjoyed because it's one hell of a good issue. Let's face it there's been plenty to satirise of late both locally and in Airstrip One.

For starters, as a nod to the downfall of Mr. Murdoch's already dubious reputation at the Ministry of Truth, we've added "Hello Humpstead - incorporating The New End Of The World" a centre page pullout, which I'm rather proud of. We deplore witch-hunting here at the Hampstead Village Voice, but when it comes to arse-holes like Murdoch and his Ignorance Is Strength version of "news", burning's not good enough for 'em!

I'm not going to go on too much about the rest of the content other than to say it's a jolly good read - especially if you only like pictures!

Go and buy it.

Toodle Pip!

Emmanuel Goldstein. xx

Enemy of big Brother.

Telecommunications Parol

I'm presently on T-Mobile's version of what one might refer to as telecommunications "parole" and working on a story for the Hampstead Village Voice which will expose a system so complicated and inconsistent that even T-Mobile's own staff can't make head nor tail of it.

Their billing system is a quagmire of terms and conditions, Boosters and inconsistencies so unfairly weighted against the unwitting consumer that it would require hours of study to avoid being financially disadvantaged by it. That's a polite way of saying they are ripping us off! In short, T-Mobile and other allegedly reputable telecom companies plying their trade on the High Street - whilst hiding behind their lightly printed terms and conditions - are taking us all for a hideously misleading and expensive ride.

If you think you're still paying per second for your calls, think again. For a 10 second call you'll be charged for 1 minute. Sound tedious? it is! But that's how the phone companies in Hampstead High Street are fleecing Hampsteadites for hundreds of thousands of pounds.

It gets worse... Think you have 600 free minutes? You don't, because all those quick 15 second calls you make count as an entire minute of those allegedly 'free minutes.' It was a very tedious and boring thing to have to do and I ended up with a headache, but I did the blasted sums and discovered that what T-Mobile counts as 150 minutes of calls can actually add up to only 100 minutes or even less. So 600 supposedly free T-Mobile minutes can, in reality, be only 400 minutes - or even less depending on how many of your calls were only a few seconds long.

And it gets worse... But you'll have to read edition 14 of the Hampstead Village Voice on the shelves of Waterstones and all good Hampstead newsagents from September 15th 2011.

Tediously yours,

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein

Editor on T-Mobile parol

PS. If I end up floating at the bottom of the Whitestone Pond you know who it was...

* After the first minute, terms and conditions apply, a second equals one minute and we have you by the short and curlies for two years you suckers!

HTV1 HAMPSTEAD is...

"ON AIR"

View HTV1 with this link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ALDlM6y6Oiw

View HTV1 with this link : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ALDlM6y6Oiw or search HTV1 Hampstead to watch 'FRIDAY NIGHT AT THE COFFEE CUP with Mustafa Goldstein, Stephen Dale-Petit and The Bombardier Bard.

Viva Hampstonia,

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein xxx

Editor and Television Executive in Tea Person.

HTV1 "On Air" Very Soon!

It doesn't get more exciting than this...

The first Hampstead Village Voice Television (HTV1) show, "Friday Night Not Live" recently filmed at the Coffee Cup (ed. Where else?) will be broadcast by the last week of June 2011. As we speak, the crew are busy editing and chopping off the naff bits so, needless to say, that ought to leave us with about 5 minutes of footage from about an hours filming. Hurrah!

In this inaugural broadcast, Mustafa Goldstein and The Bombardier Bard are joined by weather man and rock guitarist Stephen Dale-Petit and the staff of the Coffee Cup in what will be a damned entertaining five minutes, I should co-co.

Watch this space for the link to HTV1 which ought to be up and running by the 20th of June. Cor Blimey Guvnor!

Toodle-Pip!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein

Television Producer in Coffee Cup.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN?

WANTED: Klaus Von Kunst

As if life wasn't difficult enough, I seem to have lost one of my top writers Dr. Klaus Von Kunst who, since bumping into an old flame called Heidi in New York, has gone A.W.O.L. I had begged him not to go to New York - one simply can't trust Americans these days - and now I fear he has been extradited or sent to Guantanamo.

It's quite likely the CIA and/or Lockheed Martin might have mistaken him for yours truly after I wrote a scathing piece on their involvement in the 2011 UK Census in the current edition of the Hampstead [Pramstead] Village Voice. Naturally, I fear the würst for poor Klausylein and think he may indeed now be clad in orange, as is the custom for enemies of Airstrip One.

Fortunately, we are in the process of establishing Hampstonia's very own secret service, namely HSBC (Hampstead Secret Bureau of Conspiracies) and have already elected he who is known only as Herr Director (A.K.A. the Big Chief).

So worry not dearest Klausy - we'll be sending the HSBC seals before the Septics can get the electrodes onto your testicles. We may, however, wait until the very last minute so that you get to have a some sort of uniformed nurse shave and wet said scrotum, tenderly, with baby oil. A most pleasant experience.

Hoorah for Hampstead!

Viva Hampstonia!

Yours spankingly,

E. M. Goldstein x

Enemy of Big Brother

HVVTV 1 inaugural Broadcast

Co-presenters, Maria and Adina will be reading the weather for HVVTV "LIVE FROM THE COFFEE CUP" tonight! Or then again, maybe they won't...

Dearest all,

It's all go for your intrepid editor in hot-pants. Having eaten a huge and excellent pasta at La Gaffe, yours truly will head for the High Street to prepare for the inaugural recording of HVVTV [not] Live From The Coffee Cup. This will be recorded [not] live and [not] in front of a studio audience at midnight tonight. It will feature myself and love revolutionary the Bombadier Bard and will be broadcast on YouTube if it's any good.

I shall also be playing five-a-side football at 6pm and attending a community meeting at 7.30pm so had better go and get myself a siesta now. Ahh - the joys of sleeping for an hour in the middle of the day when you know the world is sweating away in some horrid office, chasing yet another pound coin! PAYE? No thank you: it's DAYP* for moi!

Toodle-pip!

Emmanuel Goldstein.

Editor

*Do As You Please

Wells Tavern Presidential Visit Stuns Locals...

And he didn't even sign the photo...

Well I never! I was somewhat surprised to see that America's first Irish Head of State Barack O'Bama didn't sign the presidential memento he left at the Wells Tavern after his surprise visit to the famous Hampstead landmark.

According to the manager of the Wells, the pub has received "hundreds" of calls as a result of our exclusive coverage of the President's previously "top secret" visit. One can only assume these "hundreds of phone calls" - and yes, that's a direct quote - came from the hundreds of transient Americans now living in Hampstead. Let's face it, no proper Hampstead local would ever believe such tripe.

A tad gullible of the old 'Septics' but one has admire their child-like enthusiasm.

For more on the Presidential visit and how he ate his burger, see pages 13 and 18 of the current edition of the Hampstead Village Voice in all good Hampstead newsagents now.

Toodle-pip!

Emmanuel 'Mustafa' Goldstein

Scurrilously Misleading Editor.

Ruttingtons

Off his bleedin' trolly!

Having published probably the best Hampstead Village Voice to date in edition 13, yours truly finds himself somewhat stuck in a rut. It isn't a writer's block exactly - more a sort of cup over-floweth, spoilt-for-choiceness situation. I simply cannot choose between whether to get edition 14 off the ground immediately, write my book, start on The Hampstonian 2012, launch my musical web-site [categorizing all my songs, albums, videos and TV appearances] or compile the Hampthology - a planned collection of the best of the Hampstead Village Voice.

You see my quandary. I've simply too much to choose from and end up doing absolutely nothing. Hurrah for doing absolutely nothing! It's time for being a fallow fellow. Allow the brain and senses to relish life's joys regardless of mere work related matters. Work to live - not live to work. Who gives a shit? Life's too short! Cappuccino's aimlessly sipped upon the High Street - yes, wasn't this why I started the Hampstead Village Voice in the first place? To stop and appreciate all the joyous things we have in Hampstead? The Heath, the cafe's, the massive great big trolly's left in the middle of zebra-crossings. Yes indeedy!

Yours non-resentfully,

Master Fer-Globules x

Hot-pants wrapped in wet panties

The Water Don't Taste Like Wot it Oughta...

The water really is this clear. Lovely!

Yes, the only thing this entry has to do with Hampstead is that I am writing it from my hotel bed whilst wearing my Hampstead Village Voice T-Shirt. I am staying at the very splendid Hostal San Telmo run by Maria, her dad and their two dogs. Nice little pool and 4 minutes from the beach. What more could one wish for at €30 a night!

Oh, and I took the 46 bus to Palma today. Yes there really is a 46 bus that goes through Palma and not only that, the driver played The Best of UB40 really loudly all the way there - I mean, really loudly. Quite mental. Imagine the driver of the 46 in Hampstead doing that? Never!

Viva España, Viva Hampstoñia!

Mustafa Goldsteinxxx

Editor in boxer-shorts.

PS. Do not order pizza in Mallorca. It's shit. The pasta's good though.

Toodle Pip Hampstead!

Hampstead High Street by Tim Garrett

The current edition of the Hampstead Village Voice - temporarily re-named thePramstead Village Voice - is currently available at all good Hampstead newsagents.

Oh and we've got a lovely new website. Do go and have a quick peak : http://www.hampsteadvillagevoice.com

Incidentally, I'm off. Had enough. But don't worry - just a week in Palma to rejuvenate and get going on my book.

Well, there's only so much one can write about Hampstead, her prams and her pillar-boxes so it's time to venture into the world of the 'proper' writer.

Watch out George Orwell, here I come! Oh alright, George Formby.

Toodle Pip!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldsteinxxx

Editor on holiday... well, sort of.

The right to feed your baby...

Nothing to do with breastfeeding - the front cover of the Pramstead Village Voice.

I received a phone call this morning: "have you seen page three of the Camden Journal"?

I popped off to get a copy and there was a story by Tom Foot about a woman who was asked to leave the King William IV for breastfeeding her child. I ask you, what has the world come to when a woman is thrown out of a public place for fulfilling the most basic of human needs - feeding a baby?

According to the story there were three men at the bar who decided to quote the front page of the Hampstead Village Voice whilst jeering, 'Invasion Of The Prammie Mammies' at her whilst waving a magazine in the air.

The story goes on to mention our splendid 'three page spoof photo feature on Pramstead', which has an innocent poke at 'the recent perambulator proliferation of Pramstead'.

Nowhere in the story does it mention the noble art of breastfeeding. Besides, as any Prammy Mammy will tell you, prams and breastfeeding are two completely separate subjects.

In case there was any doubt...

The Hampstead Village Voice would like to make it clear it backs a mothers right to feed her child in any public place at any time of day or night and strongly suggests the King William IV offers a sincere apology for its inappropriate decision to interfere whilst a mother fed her child.

A spokesman for the Metropolitan Borough of Hampstead said, "I don't know what the fuss is all about, it's all just a storm in a D cup".

Toodle Pip,

Mustafa Goldstein,

Editor in hot-pants

God Save The Queen composed in Hampstead?

We urge you all to go and buy the single God Save The Queen by The Sex Pistols this week to ensure it goes No.1 in time for the Royal Wedding.

According the Heath and Hampstead Society website, The Sex Pistols composed God Save The Queen at Johnny Rotten's flat in New Court off Flask Walk. Whether it was actually written in the flat or just whilst Mr. Rotten (Ed. You're having a laugh) lived there, is open to speculation. What is certain is that if you purchase the single for a mere 99p from iTunes it'll chuck a few pence Johnny's way and might even go to No.1 ensuring God Save The Queen will be the musical back drop everytime they show the wedding in years to come. And wouldn't that be splendid!

Toodle-Pip!

Mustafa Goldstein x

Mustafa Goldstein

Editor in Bondage

Paul McCartney Exclusive! OUT NOW!

Paul gives the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi a healthily sceptical look in this splendid photo by Philip Townsend currently on exhibition at

Zebra Gallery in Perrin's Court.

Yeah baby! We've finally caught a Beatle! I make no secret of being the world's No. 1 Beatle fan, so when top-notch Hampstead poet, love revolutionary and London taxi driver, the Bombardier Bard approached me with the charming story of his fab-four-fare (ed. oh please, spare us the gutter press puns) and intimate little chat with Paul McCartney, I leapt at the chance of publishing it in the Hampstead Village Voice.

It really is a lovely little piece so we've printed a few hundred extra than normal just in case. After all, anything with Paul's name on it tends to sell a bit more than you're average cup of tea (ed. not least his records).

I'll be popping down to Printline in Belsize Parkistan this afternoon to pick up the rough proofs, then hand them over to be scrutinised by our beady-eyed, all in one sub-editor, proof reader and barrister The Barroness of Rosslynshire (ed. Rosslyn Arms, more like).

Then it'll be time to put in the finishing touches and send it to the printers!

Edition 13 of the Hampstead Village Voice will be available at any decent Hampstead news agent [or Waterstones] from 15th of April 2011.

Oh God. And we've got a Farce-Book page now too. So check it out if you must... Oh, and bother, the Twitter page is called Hampstonia so if you're really, really bored indeed, you know what to do.

Hoorah!

Mustafa Goldstein x.

E. M. Goldstein

Editor.

Sub Editor Snuffs It

He won't work for the Voice no more...

There's no particular reason why I put this picture of Luca Brasi up but it's late, I'm in Berlin and I felt I ought to do something for this ailing blog. And doesn't he look happy? I hereby name Luca Brasi ex-sub editor (in advance) of the Hampstead Village Voice.

The very splendid edition 12 is still available at Mag One, Waterstones, Hampstead Tube Station, Heath News, Village News, Holly Hill News, New End Mini Market, that news agent in Saff End Green and Mrs. Patel's in Fleet Road. Oh, and of course Shiraz's Late Night Extra in the Satellite State of Belsize Parkistan. Boycott Tesco's, slagg off Scamden and death to Highgate!

Viva Hampstonia!

EMGoldsteinxxx

Emmanuel 'Mustafa' Goldstein

Boy George for Breakfast.

Breakfast

I have just had a rather splendid cup of coffee with Boy George, Jon Moss and another fellow - who's name has slipped my mind - at Cafe Scrooge this morning. Alas I am sworn to secrecy as to the content of the conversation but needless to say it was all rather splendid. Jon warned George that I was a "Journalist" to which I retorted - "I'm not a journalist, I'm a satirist and don't worry mate, you're not funny enough to get into the Hampstead Village Voice". This was of course complete bollocks because between them Jon and George have appeared at least half a dozen times in Hampstead's (the world's?) favourite magazine.

Culture Club fans are certainly advised to purchase a copy of the Spring edition of the Hampstead Village Voice which will be in the shops on April 15th 2011.

Luncheon

Meanwhile, it's back to the drab chore of flogging advertising from Hampstonia's Upper House of Parliament, La Gaffe, where an annoyingly American couple have just asked me to keep my voice down whilst on the phone. I have a good mind to have them extradited to Highgate or, worse still, the Afghan-Irish Republic of Kilburn! How dare these corporate Oceanic types come to my nice clean (well it was till Scamden took it over) country [Hampstonia] and tell me how to behave in my own office! Bastards!

Toodle-Pip!

Mustafa Goldstein

Editor in Hot-Pants.

Scamden: incompetent and wasteful!

A wee while ago the USSR (Union of Soviet Scamden Republics) wasted thousands of squid on those posters and banners telling us all to love our High Street and the "rebuilding" of the Whitestone Pondshop. Meanwhile shop after shop is closing down - including their own "Environment Local" which still stands empty. And now we are looking forward to the end of the Library as we know it. Aren't Scamden and Airstrip One shit! They can't even sort out a proper refuse policy. See the current edition [12] of the Hampstead Village Voice, out now.

Toodle Pip!

Mustafa Goldstein.

Ed in hot-pants.

Oh No We Were Sucked in...

The new cover of the Hampstead Village Voice Edition 12 is at the shops now!

I'm sitting in my Bünker in Berlin and feeling dreadfully homesick. Oh for a pontless espresso at Café Scrooge or some Raisin Toast at the Coffee Cup. Berlin's all nice and fine but it just ain't home. You can take the boy out of Hampstead...

So destitute was I that I did the undoable and joined Farcebook where I've set up both a Mustafa Goldstein and Hampstead Village Voice page. I hate it. What a waste of time. Farting about trying to get the right pictures into the profile bit at the top of the page.

So feel free to look up Mustafa Goldstein on Farcebook - but, trust me, it's no replacement for the real thing, now available at your local news agent and Waterstones.

Surely the best £2 squid you ever spent! Hampstonian constitution... I should co-co!

Toodle Pip!

Mustafa Goldstein xxx

Editor in Hot-Pants.

Edition 12 at shops on Tuesday 18th Jan

Everyone's on about Ricky Gervais so it's a good job I got an exclusive photo in tomorrow's Hampstead Village Voice [edition 12] which you can buy for only 84.00 Rubles from any Hampstead news agent.

Tony Parsons just twittered about how good Ricky was at the Globes last night and my mate Howard even phoned to praise his neighbour's irreverence to the great and the good.

Talking of Twitter, I'd thought I'd give it a go. Somehow less offensive than Farcebook, don't you think? Have a twit (is that what you say?) at Mustafa Goldstein at "Hampstonia".

Toodle Pip!

EMG.

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein.

Editor in Hot-Pants.

Edition 12 is at the printers!

This splendid Ford Maddox Brown print of The Mount in 1860 appears in the 12th edition of the Hampstead Village Voice.

But enough of the culture! The new edition [in all Hampstead newsagents from 20th of January 2011] will also feature exclusive picture stories on Jonathan Ross, Ricky Gervais, David Baddiel, Cesc Fabregas, Ian Wright, Vanessa Feltz and Sadie Frost... I was thinking of calling it the Hello! Village Voice and just going all dumbed down and Farcebook-like on its arse but, actually, it's quite a mentally challenging edition.

Not least because of the Hampstonian Constitution - Part 1 and a potentially tricky attack on the PC Taliban [of modern day Airstrip One and the Union of Soviet Scamden Republics] presently crawling the street of Hampstead.

There's also a raunchy little story by sexy food critic Marcella Legief and mountains of art and nudism from Dr. Klaus Von Kunst. And those fellow sufferer's of Stressco will not be disappointed: there's no Tesco-Stressco but it is mentioned on pretty much every page. I really must find something else to right about - but we're still hoping to be sued by the supermarket giant [Ed. they wouldn't dare].

And then there's Wheelie Wevolting about the new residents of Hampstead, namely, the rats who are enjoying all that nosh pouring out of split, plastic bags all over the High Street. I know some of you find stories about wheelie bins a tad boring - but, like a terrier with it's teeth in Scamden's ankle, the Hampstead Village Voice will not rest until Hampstead is once again a clean and tidy place to live. So we're still pushing for a little common sense from them... (Ed. You've got more chance of winning the lottery!)

Back to the Hello! Hampstead Village Voice, I was tempted to add the balloon "Not a lot" from the mouth of Sadie Frost in a photo where an old class mate quotes the Beatles and asks, "Sexy Sadie, what have you done" but thought better of it seeing as she was with her son and from her perspective she does have a career (ed. unlike me) so it might have been hurtful [Ed. you're too soft].

More importantly, there's the wonderful A Hampstead Cat & Mouse Story by the lovely Peter Lund who sadly passed away recently. It's quite the sweetest thing I've ever read, plus my old mum really liked it and so will yours.

Right, must dash off and get to work on the new website... Yawn.

Toodle-Pip!

Mustafa Goldstein x

Editor in hot-pants.

Edition 12 imminent!

Although horribly unpopular in Airstrip One, Scamden and Slimegate, Public Enemy No.1, Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein appears to have managed to gain cult status in Tokyo. Indeed, the well respected Japanese magazine Mr. Partner recently interviewed him about the Hampstead Village Voice and the Federal Republic of Hampstonia.

Of course, Mr. Goldstein's identity is a closely guarded secret and the picture above is of an Italian doppelgänger called Salvatore Tagliatelle and bares no resemblance to the real Mustafa G.

All being well, edition 12 will be out in the shops on Thursday the 20th of January and features, amongst other things, the first instalment of the constitution of the Federal Republic of Hampstonia. There are also exclusive local photo's of Cesc Fabregas, Ricky Gervais, Ian Wright, Vanessa Feltz, Jonathan Ross, David Baddiel and, most importantly, a long lost photo of our celestial editor in Chief, Bronco [John].

Plus all sorts of controversial nonsense.

Death be to Al High-Quaida and the Union of Soviet Scamden Republics!

Johnny Amalfi

pp. Mr. Honeka-Cohen

President of the Federal Republic of Hampstonia [land of the not so free]